Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Another boy?

It is still so early, but we found out last week that we will be having another boy!  The OB sent me to the genetic counselor and he did a detailed scan at 14w3d last Thursday.  The good news is that the baby looks normal and all the organs and body parts are developing well.  They could even tell the gender with this scan.  DH was a little surprised, he was hoping for a girl and was not very skillful at hiding his disappointment.  I thought I would feel happier, but I feel a little down about his disappointment.  Perhaps it is because our first baby was a girl, and he wanted her back.  Also, it is not so likely that we will try for a 3rd, for several reasons, mainly financial, so maybe Lily was our one and only chance at a girl, and that is sad to revisit.  It didn't help that the genetic counselor was the same guy we went to see for Lily's diagnosis, which ended in a termination, and that is the last we have seen of him until now.  I felt sad and weird seeing him again.  He remembered us, but of course did not remember the details of our case.  He was happy to hear that we went on to have a healthy child, and this one seems healthy too.  He also was kind enough to offer us the Harmony test, and he filled in the form in such a way that we would be accepted by the provincial health insurance (normally with an egg donor it should not be, and would be another $700 out of pocket) and so I was able to get that done the following day, once the approval went through.  I am still waiting for those results and the results of my triple screen test (which I finally was able to do part 2 for just today, at 15 weeks).  It will be another 1-2 weeks for the results.  It is such a horribly long time to be in limbo, already into the second trimester and not ready to announce, still!  I feel like I should just tell my mom this weekend, even without those results.  All the other indicators are looking good, so I will be totally shocked if the blood test comes back bad, and even if it does, my mom has already been supportive through that news once.  I'm definitely not ready to announce to work yet, and it is getting difficult since my middle is thickening up.  If I lean a certain way I look quite pregnant, so I have to stand carefully at work now, to minimize the little bump.  I'm still wearing my regular clothes, though, just the waistband is getting really tight. 
One reason I was hoping for a boy was that I thought that a boy would not care as much as a girl would about being donor conceived.  Of course, I have no idea if this is actually true.  And I thought Joseph would like a same-gendered sibling.  And we can reuse all the clothes we have been storing, instead of dumping them off at Goodwill!  However, I feel sad that I won't get to buy the cute pink girl things.  BUT on the other hand, I remember when I found out Joseph was a boy I thought oh well, it won't be so much fun dressing him, but in reality there are such cute things for boys!  And I love Joseph so much, I hope having 2 boys is just as amazing.  The key thing is that the baby is healthy, though, of course.  I never really cared about the gender, but I have to say I was concerned that DH was unhappy to not have a girl.  He assures me he is thrilled with having another boy, though, I guess it is one of those things where he really had a hunch it was a girl and was shocked that his hunch was wrong! 
So another 2 week wait to get the blood test results.  I hate 2 week waits!!  Work is really busy, though, so I am fully distracted. 
Joseph is doing great.  He had his 2 year check up, and I guess his birthday party since I last wrote (it has been a while!).  We just had a party at home and some of his little friends came by.  He loved the balloons, the cake, blowing out the candles, and singing "Happy Birthday!"  He kept singing it for days afterwards, too.  He is healthy and happy, so what more can we ask for?  He is talking a lot, and loves to sing.  He loves his trains, and to climb, and run.  He doesn't eat as well as we would like, but we keep offering things.  He likes to fill up on milk, so that is interfering with his eating, but it is such a hard habit to break!  He's getting more demanding, too, and gets angry when he doesn't get his way.  Like when we want him to stop playing and come to dinner, he gets pretty mad, and that happens every day!  He fights diaper changes sometimes, too, but is not so interested in using the potty yet.  We have not fully embarked on the mission of potty training yet, but we have the equipment ready.  He's doing great at his daycare now, and has a good routine going there.  We told Joseph his little brother is on the way, in Mommy's tummy, and he was at one of the ultrasound appointments and saw the baby on the screen.  He even pointed at the screen and said "baby!".  I wonder how much a 2 year old can really understand, though?  He is learning language so quickly right now, so although he is young, I am completely in awe of what he is able to figure out. 

That's my update for now, I will keep you posted!  Hope you are all doing well! 

Thursday, 1 January 2015

NT scan

The  NT scan was earlier this week and went fine.  1.6 cm so the Dr is happy with that.  As a point of comparison, I had an NT of 1.3cm for Joseph and 4.7 cm for Lily.  Anything under 2.5 cm is considered normal.  The Dr talked me out of doing the NIPT, so I will have to wait until Jan 20 to do part 2 of the triple screen blood test and know more conclusively that things are going well.  We have still not told our families or friends, so I wonder if they will be mad about that.  Of course we saw everyone over the holidays and it would have been a good time to tell them.  I just don't feel like they are going to be excited or happy about the pregnancy anyway, my family once they know it is donor egg will probably have some concerns and questions that I don't really feel like answering, and my friends, even the ones we don't tell about the donor part may feel jealousy and curiosity about how the hell I got pregnant at age 42.  If they have not completed their families the way they wanted to there could be more negative feelings than well wishes.  Like my childhood friend, who is divorced and now about to move again for a job opportunity out west, I just know this news is going to depress her and that is the last thing I want.  I think this news will be surprising to many people since we are infertile and past 40, we also have our wonderful Joseph... in their minds we were done with family building.
Anyway, it is weighing on my mind how I am going to tell all these various people.  Shouldn't I be happier about this?  I feel like I am being inconsiderate also to the baby by not sharing this news that he/she exists.  Anyway, the plan for the moment is to wait for the Jan 20 blood test results, which will actually be after Jan 20, so maybe the end of January more like.  However, my friend, whom I made reference to above, is actually coming to stay at my house all of next week, and I have my first OB appointment on Thursday morning!  Do I go to the appointment and not tell her what it is about?  Do I just tell her as soon as she comes on Monday?  I will be 13 weeks then.  I thought we might start telling people after the NT scan but DH has not said anything and I also feel hesitant.  I guess as I said, I'm worried that people won't feel happy about it and so I don't want to deal with their feelings on top of my own.  I don't want to have to sell people on the idea that being pregnant at 42 is a great idea, or being pregnant with donor eggs at 42 is a great idea.  Maybe it is a bad idea, how am I to know, and if they have doubts then that will just add to the ones I already have myself.  I am tired, we have been at this for 10 years already.  This is also the reason I don't want to try again after this.  DH has made it clear that he wants to actually use the frozen embryos to try for another sibling, and I am thinking no, I/we will be too old and this is already pushing it.  To me, those embryos are only useful if this pregnancy falls through, then I would entertain the idea of trying again for a second living child, though I don't know if I will actually have the strength to go through that if there is in fact another loss. 
I can't believe how fast time passes.  I swear I was 32 just a few weeks ago, really!!!!  In a few minutes I may be turning 80, I'd better just watch it...
The years just fly by.  This year was sweet to celebrate New Year's with Joseph, who actually sort of gets it this year.  We did a countdown at noon at a restaurant that had a kids party and balloon drop.  They did the countdown and then it was so cute afterwards when he kept repeating  "1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Happy New Year!" and clapping and smiling  (he does not know how to count backwards, only forwards, so he made that modification himself)  We went with another little 2 year old buddy and his mom, that I knew from my university days.  They had a lot of fun playing with the balloons, having lunch and then running around the restaurant.  In the evening we just stayed in, and that was just fine with us.  It was freezing outside so we just stayed in and had some burritos.  We had another countdown at 8pm for Joseph (count up, I mean!), put him to bed, and then watched a bit of TV.  I actually was so tired I went to bed before the real midnight countdown, how lame is that.  It might be the first year I have missed it and I really don't care.  The new year came, just the same.

In 2 days we will have his birthday party at the house.  It is a mess here, so I need to do some serious tidying up to prepare, and get organized with what we need to buy, etc. 

Here are a few pictures of Joseph skating for the first time. 

Happy New Year everyone, and I hope that 2015 will be a good one for us all.