Monday, 31 March 2014

Day 5 post retrieval

The doctor called this morning.  She said only one embryo was ready to biopsy today (1BB blastocyst), there was one that was a cavitating morula (early blast), and one was a morula that might be ready by tomorrow.  So we had the option of doing the biopsy on the one and transferring tomorrow if it tested normal, or freezing it and waiting for the results of the other ones, also freezing those, and transferring in another cycle.  Well, this was a bit of a dilemma, because of course I just want to do a transfer if possible and get on with it.  But she said that "studies" show that FET of PGS embryos actually have better success rates than fresh cycles, because the hormones are not messed up from doing the stims in the first part of the cycle.  On the other hand, from my own personal experience of doing PGS 2 times already, our fresh cycle resulted in Joseph, and the FET resulted in a BFN.  So that is the exact opposite of what the "studies" show.  Anyway, we decided to go along with her idea and we will freeze all this cycle.  I am praying there will be one normal one and we can do a FET next cycle.  I will be honest, I do have hope for that 1BB blastocyst.  I mean, if it were abnormal, why would it be growing so nicely?  But I have been surprised before, so who knows.  I am so dreading the wait until the results on Wednesday.  What if it is bad news?  I feel sick thinking about it.  And it reminds me so much of waiting for that phone call with Lily's CVS results.  I hate how one phone call can shatter all your hopes and dreams in one second.  I guess I should be glad that I still have a chance and I have made it this far, but I am worried because being close to succeeding means nothing. 
I am bummed that there will be no transfer this cycle.  I will find out on Wednesday if there will be a transfer at all.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Embryology report

Retrieval Day:  Of the 6 eggs retrieved, all 6 were mature and suitable for ICSI.
Day 1 post retrieval:  4 embryos out of the 6 fertilized and starting to grow.
Very nervous waiting for the next update.
Day 3 post retrieval:  3 embryos still growing.  The nurse said they were "top quality beautiful embryos", which was reassuring.  She said the doctor is pleased and we will be able to do a biopsy on Monday for PGS testing.  I hope at least one of them is normal after all this.  On Monday I will find out how the biopsy went, hopefully the 3 of them will still be doing ok and survive to that point.  Then on Tuesday I get the PGS results. 

Wednesday, 26 March 2014


So today was the retrieval.  They got 6 eggs.  I guess from 8 follicles this isn't bad, but I wish they had gotten all 8.  It could have been worse, though.  Now I just wait and see how many fertilize (they will call tomorrow) and how many make it to day 3, 5, and 6.  I am praying that most of them make it to day 6!  Then I am praying that at least one tests normal.  It's a long shot, but it is still possible at this point.  It has been a real emotional roller coaster of feelings today, ranging from excited and hopeful, to depressed/ sad when I think about the statistics for my situation.  I feel so tired from it all.  I just want off this ride, but we want a sibling so badly for Joseph. 
He came with us today to the clinic.  The nurses made a big deal about him, since he is an IVF baby from that clinic, they were delighted to see the end result of their work.  He wasn't allowed into the procedure room, though, so I was there with just the staff for the procedure itself.  It went fine, and at least I had enough drugs this time.  I complained about how the first time I could feel the needle and that was not fun.  They agreed to increase the drugs.  Which is kind of funny when you think about the fact that I did not have any drugs when giving birth to Joseph, but having this needle up there for an IVF retrieval is just too much for me. lol
DH's mom would have normally watched Joseph today for us, but as luck would have it she left on a 2 week vacation to Mexico on Monday. 
The doctor said that she is leaning towards having a freeze all cycle, and doing the transfer in another month.  This is so the blastocysts will have more time to develop before doing the biopsy on Day 6.  I am really hoping that those embies make it to day 6.  I am nervous that they may die out before getting to that point, and wouldn't that suck if a normal one didn't make it long enough to test, but would have survived in the womb in a Day 3 transfer?  But unfortunately the PGS testing at our clinic can only be done for a day 6 transfer (biopsied on Day 5) so I will never know if one of the embryos that doesn't make it to that point was normal or not.  It's a gamble, but on the other hand if it does work out, then I will know that any embryos that I transfer will have a much better chance of becoming a healthy baby. 
It's been a tiring day.  Joseph did not want to have a nap after coming home, so it has been a bit of a wild day.  He was pretty excited that DH was home for the day, and didn't want to miss out on anything.  He ended up going to bed early, the poor thing.  He is exhausted.  Me too!

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Trigger shot

Last night at 11:30 pm I took my HCG shot to trigger ovulation.  The retrieval is tomorrow at 10:30 am.  I have 8 follicles, but only 6 are the right size (one is too big and one is too small).  So I'm praying that the RE can get all 6 good ones, and we will see what happens. 

Friday, 21 March 2014

IVF #5 - CD 10 - Less follicles

So it's the 8th day of stim drugs and I have about 7 follicles that are the same size, one that is ahead which will likely be over-mature by retrieval, and several smaller ones that will not be mature.  I'm feeling a sense of dread with only 7 good follicles to work with.  I thought 10 was bad...  Retrieval will probably be on Wednesday.  My greatest fear is that no embryos will make it to day 6.  All I can do is hope and pray.  The drugs are making me feel moody and weepy too.  Not fun.

Here is Joseph playing with his little friend today. 

Monday, 17 March 2014

IVF cycle day 6

They measured 10 follicles and a bunch of other tiny ones.  I'm a bit disappointed that there are not more, but hopefully this will be enough.  Maybe some of the small ones will start growing?  It's day 4 of stims today.  I found out my FSH was 4.4 on day 2, so that is pretty good.  My estrogen was 91, which is high, but I did the estrogen priming, so I guess that was the point.  I go back in 2 days for another follicle scan.  A part of me feels excited but also very scared and kind of down about this cycle.  The doctor said it would take 6 weeks for my thyroid medication to start working, so that's not good, but she said it was only slightly elevated. 

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Thyroid out of whack?

I'm on Day 3 of stims now, and feel fine.  However, I got a call from the clinic that my thyroid bloodwork came back at 3,8 and they like to have it under 2.5 for fertility treatments.  This is strange, because it was 1.7 just in January, so how did it go up so suddenly?  And why now?  This is very disturbing.  I hope it gets back down again, soon.  My RE has increased my Synthroid prescription to 0.075 mg.  I wonder how long it will take to go down?  I only have about a week until the retrieval, so hopefully fast.  I've been taking the Bravelle and Menopur injections, and honestly I don't feel anything at all so I hope something is happening.  I go in tomorrow for a follicle scan. 

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Starting IVF #5

We are going to start the stims tomorrow.  The meds are Bravelle 225 and Menopur 75.  It's the same as last time, but I can't help but be bummed that my antral follicle count (AFC) is only 16 this time and last time it was 38.  We only ended up with ONE good embryo after all that, so what are the chances for this time, when I am starting with a lower number?  Plus, my AFC was 28 in January, so what has happened?  I am worried. Maybe we should have done the IVF in January, instead of waiting a few months for my body to "get back to normal" after stopping breastfeeding.  I am second guessing everything at this point. 

We paid the drug deposit of $4000 today, and on Monday we will go in for a check and pay the $9,600 for the procedure.  Gulp.

I feel very on edge, and overly superstitious.  Is it bad luck to tell people about the IVF, or is it bad luck to keep it a secret?  Will I jinx it by being overly optimistic, or will I create a self fulfilling prophecy by focusing on my doubts? 

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Jitters, Snowstorm, Cycle Day 1

Last night I was feeling more and more nervous, and stayed up late with many worries on my mind.  Mostly about this cycle.  Not working.  I'm scared to even know what my odds are, but obviously there is a great chance that it won't work.  I'm just thinking about how I will feel and what I will do if I get that news. 

Today was a new day, with new weather blowing in and different thoughts swirling around in my head.  It's cycle day 1, and this is the IVF cycle, finally.  I feel kind of excited that we are finally starting, and I want to feel optimistic, even if that feeling is going to be short lived.  AF showed up even earlier than anticipated.  The RE said that the Cetrotide would bring on a period by the 13th or the 14th, but here we are the 12th and AF is already here.  We are going in to the clinic tomorrow and probably start the stims.  In the end, I was only on the Estrogen patch for 3 days this cycle!  My RE said to take it off as soon as AF showed up.  So I don't know how much "priming" was done in 3 days.  It doesn't seem like much!  Though one benefit of following the same plan as last time, is that I can look at my notes.  Last time I had the patch for 4 days and then AF showed up, so it is not all that much longer.  And to be honest, I do feel quite hormonal and I don't know if that is the extra estrogen, the Cetrotide, or just my nerves, but I was getting cranky with DH today at dinner.  He said he got invited to a night out with his friends on the night of the 22nd, and I told him that we are doing the IVF retrieval around then, so he should not be out drinking right before then, screwing up all his sperm right before they are critically needed.  I was a bit bitchy about it, saying "No! You can't go.  Just tell them you are sick or have something else to do", then he was saying he didn't want to lie to them.  So that made me feel bad, like I really enjoy going around telling lies, but my point is that this is quite important, and he can go out with his friends any time.  And I asked is it possible to go out and NOT drink, and he said no.  Anyway, he said he wouldn't go.  This is another thing that bugs me about IVF is that it is totally impossible to keep it private, because of shit like this.  I don't know what he is going to tell them, but that is his issue.  Also, it pisses me off that if after all this it doesn't work, he will have missed out going to see his friends for nothing.  Plus, if he doesn't tell them the real reason, they may just think he is growing apart from them and doesn't want to be included in other outings.  That stinks.  Thanks, IF.  Having friends wasn't that important to us, anyway.

So we'll see what tomorrow brings.  Here are a few pictures of the snow that appeared today.  It certainly doesn't look like spring is coming yet! 

Joseph is just over 14 months now.  Here he is showing all his teeth.  He's drooling a lot again, lately, so I think there are some more on the way.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

EDD once again

Lily should be celebrating her second birthday today.  Sadly she is not here, and though we are so blessed to now have Joseph, we will always miss our first baby that never was.  I am in a much better place than that first EDD that rolled around, March 4, 2012, with no new baby in sight and fading hope of ever having a family.  I still feel sad though, and cheated out of getting to meet her and have her live a healthy and fulfilling life. 

I miss you, Lily.  I wish you were here in my arms.  I wish I had been able to get to know you.  I will always love you, little one. 

CD19 - LH surge

After going to the clinic several times, a surge was finally detected on cycle day 19 (a bit late, I think) on Sunday.  So we are going to start the Estrogen patch next Sunday.  This cycle seems to be taking forever!  So much waiting...