Tuesday, 25 November 2014

First Ultrasound

The first ultrasound yesterday went fine.  There was one baby, with a heartbeat of 126.  So that was quite a relief.  With my high betas I was worried maybe I had twins, even though I only transferred 1 embryo.  My donor has identical twin sisters, so it has crossed my mind that the risk of having identical twins is probably higher because of that.  I am still worried about the high betas indicating a trisomy, but will not know until week 12.  For now, all is well with the baby. 

I have been feeling down and very anxious about not having contact with the donor.  I called the agency to ask about the questions that I asked that have not yet been answered by the donor, and I had initially asked those before the cycle started, in early October.  Her background is listed as "American", and I wanted to know more detail than that about her family origins.  For example, I know that my dad is of Irish and German background, and my mom is English and French.  I think it's interesting to know this.  They said that the donor is probably busy and I just have to wait, they assured me that the contract I have in place is enough to have future contact if that is what the child wants, and if the agency goes out of business that they will inform me and have a legal form take over the files for safe keeping.  She said the donor had already said that she did not want any email or other contact before the child is 18, so she would not ask her about it, and she does not want to know my name.  I find it a bit sad that she doesn't even know our names.  Our first donor knew us and knew our story of why we needed her help. 

But by a stroke of strange luck, as I was having this phone conversation with the agency that seemed to go nowhere, and breaking into tears at different points as I explained my concerns and questions, one of the staff asked who my donor was, and I said her first name, and as she looked up the file, she said oh yes, and then muttered (to herself, I think) the name of a well-known street in my city, as she was scanning through the file.  The conversation moved on, but after I hung up, I wondered if this name was actually the donor's last name, and a quick internet search, 2 seconds later --poof!--I had the exact same picture of the donor that I had on my profile, with her full name beside it.  The amazing power of the internet.  So I don't know if that was a mistake, I think it was.  The donor had said that she was ok with me knowing her name, so they gave me her first name, but maybe they were supposed to give me both names anyway?  Anyway, whatever, but I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted, since by having her full name I feel that I now have all the information I need if the child wants it, and we will definitely be able to find her if that is what the child wants.  With this information, I don't feel like I am relying on the lawyer or the agency to keep it, (though they are supposed to) and who knows what is going to happen over the next 18 years and if I will even be able to find them at that point.  Both lawyers expressed concern about keeping the donor's information, and refused to be responsible for keeping updated contact information, for example.  This was after paying them thousands of dollars, by the way, and too late in the cycle to find another lawyer.  So that was not so reassuring.  I have some major trust issues with these lawyers, at this point, let's just say.  And the agency I used has only been in operation for a few years, plus in Canada using donor egg is on the verge of being illegal, so who knows if in a few more years it will be outlawed and the agency shut down.  There has already been another Canadian surrogacy/egg donor agency prior to this one that WAS shut down by the authorities in 2011, and I know the people going through a cycle at that time really got screwed.  Who knows what happened to those records.
   
I realize now I never should have gone ahead with an unknown donor for this cycle.  But to be fair, it does say "semi-known" on her profile, so that is open to interpretation, apparently, by each donor.  My previous donor was listed as "anonymous", but when asked she was actually fine with being known and with meeting us.  So I guess I thought this one would be ok with it too, and am kind of surprised that she is not.  If I were to do it again (which I will most definitely NOT), I would make certain that the donor is known and open to meeting and having contact.  Apparently this is more important to me than I even realized, considering my increasing depression up until this point.
 
So anyway, I feel like the anonymity bit has been resolved, and I feel like it is all going to be ok now.  I really feel SO, so much better!  I was really depressed and worried sick about this last week, and did know how I was going to get over it.  I can't believe that stress is gone, like that, just by knowing 2 syllables.  I feel like I can let go, it is an amazing feeling!

Now I am just worried that the baby is ok, and won't really know until after the 12 week bloodwork, and the 20 week anatomy scan.  Or really, until the baby is delivered safely.  So I am feeling just the regular pregnancy after TFMR anxiety, which is bad enough, but the donor stuff was just too much on top of that.  Who knows, maybe the donor issues will resurface again, but at least now I just feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle that I need to satisfy my child's curiosity, even if he/she does not get to meet the donor until age 18. I was feeling so horribly guilty about that. 

I know my mother and possibly some other family/friends may have some issues or concerns about the donor bit, and it may be stressful to explain to them about it and answer their awkward questions.  That is less of a concern to me, though.  I will figure out how much and what to say when the time comes.

I still have not told my family or friends (except a few that truly know the WHOLE story from the beginning) about the pregnancy.  I was feeling kind of bad about that.  It was my brother's birthday last week, and it felt wrong to call him and have this whole conversation, and say nothing about the pregnancy.  But that's what I did.  It makes me feel alone and isolated, and makes the pregnancy feel imaginary.  But at least the ultrasound made it feel more real.  There is a little heart beating in there, OMG!  This IS real! 

My EDD is around July 13th, 2015, but the doctor said she may need to revise it next week.  I am actually measuring a few days ahead.  I was supposed to be 6w4d yesterday, but the baby was measuring at 7w.  I hope this doesn't indicate a problem.  The doctor said, oh it's just a really fast growing embryo, I think. 

Our 11 year wedding anniversary is July 17, 2015.  Who knew it would take this long to build our modest family!  I hope we can celebrate the anniversary with our family complete, and two babies in our arms.

2 comments:

  1. So happy to hear there is one little baby in there. I was kind of thinking identical twins too! And I'm happy you have a little more info about your donor. It's interesting the things we don't know will be an issue until we are right in the thick of this journey. Hope things continue along beautifully!

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  2. I hope you can celebrate your anniversary with two babies in your arms as well.

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