My beta today was 1,222. So that is more than double, and good news! I don't know why, but I have been feeling so many mixed feelings. I mean, I'm not sad enough to cry like I know I would if the pregnancy were not going well, but I don't feel as happy as I would have thought. I feel sadness for my child that they may eventually feel angry about all of this, angry at me! Can you imagine, this is a tiny embryo and I am imagining a teenager who is totally pissed at me about using a donor. Or is depressed about it, or whatever. I feel guilty about being happy to be pregnant. It is just not a straightforward pregnancy and plus I guess a part of me knows very well what can still go wrong at this very early stage. Like what am I now, 4 weeks and 3 days? It's not a sealed deal yet, so I can't feel super happy. But compared to the last cycle, obviously this is looking way better, so I have my hopes way up, let's face it.
I'm a bit all over the place. I guess I just want to feel reassurance that everything is going to be ok, and the reality is that there is no way of really knowing. Like what if, after all this, the baby has some horrible condition that I can't even imagine? But I also worry about a million and one horrible things that could happen to Joseph, at any time. It doesn't end with healthy birth, then there is SIDS to worry about, and all sorts of injuries or illnesses. I am a real worrier so this is horrible, and especially something so unknown like what is going to be the outcome of the donor aspect of the conception. It seems that all the parents of donor conceived children have very small children. There is virtually no one on the forums with older kids. I guess in part because it is fairly new and gaining more popularity now. I just feel a lot of regret that I didn't push harder to have the donor be known, but we were so desperate for a "proven" donor that we didn't want to rule her out because she had done 3 unknown cycles already, but with the "promise" of becoming known later. Now I feel so anxious about the possibility that she will either back out of that promise (which she is entitled to do) or simply not be reachable despite our efforts to keep track. What will this mean for the child. Do you think I worry too much?
Meanwhile, just to make my problems seem petty, my poor friend just found out this week that her step mom was admitted to hospital for a lung issue, and now all of a sudden she is on life support! They put her into an induced coma and hope after 5-7 days she will come out of it ok. My friend is completely freaked out and in shock because her step mom was totally healthy and fine up until this past week. Then she had mild symptoms of fatigue, and finally decided to go to the hospital, where they ran tests and found out her lungs were a total mess with nodules and scar tissue all over the place. She has arthritis, so they think it is related. She does not even smoke or anything! I feel so terrible for her. I don't even know what to say!
After losing my dad suddenly I can certainly understand the shock of having your parent totally fine one minute and then all of a sudden they are gone. And before I knew he was actually gone, I felt that bargaining/ negotiating that you do... "if only he'll be ok, I promise to ....(whatever)" But I feel so angry that my prayers went unanswered. He was not ok, and it was very hard to accept.
Well, the week from hell is underway. Tomorrow is the Remembrance Day Assembly, which I am overseeing and which I think will be fine.... I don't think it will be the best one ever, but whatever. Then the District Review and a "team" meeting regarding a special needs student in my class. Sending home all the reports, then all the interviews. I actually changed all my reports and raised the grades! I had second thoughts about being too hard after only 2 months of Grade 1! So now everyone is "progressing well". I will deal with the inconsistency of having the second report say otherwise when the time comes. It is still so early, and seriously, one minute this one girl could not read a single word from the frequent words list, and then later I heard her read a few words. And I thought she couldn't count, but then I got her to count today. So it is so hard to know what is going on with these kids. I just can't stamp them with a grade yet, and I don't want to discourage and depress them with a bad mark right now. I was a little tougher about the "learning skills" part. That's what the first report is supposed to focus on anyway. Some of them need to work on lots of those learning skills. (Independent work, organization, responsibility, collaboration with others, self regulation, and one other, I can't remember).
Oh, I forgot to even mention I was in a fender bender this morning! Fortunately I was in DH's truck because he switched cars with me so he could take my car in to get snow tires. Some girl rear-ended me when I was sitting at a red light. I didn't realize what had happened and I thought my car engine had just exploded! There was a boom and the car jerked forward. I was actually relieved to find out it was a car that hit me, because I thought the motor was toast! The car that hit me had the front smashed in (the grill, and the light), while the truck just had a tiny dent in the bumper, with some paint chips from her car on it. I am SO thankful I wasn't in my little Honda Fit, or it would not have worked out like that. The car that hit me was a Mercedes, to top it off! The girl driving it looked young, so maybe it was her dad's car. Anyway, this was on my way to work, so I was glad that it was not really major and after 5 minutes of looking at the damage we were back on our way to work, slightly shaken up but not injured at all. Her car was still fine to drive, but I'm sure it will cost a lot to fix. Ours, of course, we will do nothing to since it was just a dent in the bumper, to add to the others.
My next beta is in 3-4 days, so probably Friday. I'm supposed to do the intralipids again too, that horrible iv that makes you feel like you have the flu afterwards. And I already feel like I'm coming down with something.