Monday, 10 November 2014

Beta #2

My beta today was 1,222.  So that is more than double, and good news!  I don't know why, but I have been feeling so many mixed feelings.  I mean, I'm not sad enough to cry like I know I would if the pregnancy were not going well, but I don't feel as happy as I would have thought.  I feel sadness for my child that they may eventually feel angry about all of this, angry at me!  Can you imagine, this is a tiny embryo and I am imagining a teenager who is totally pissed at me about using a donor.  Or is depressed about it, or whatever.  I feel guilty about being happy to be pregnant.  It is just not a straightforward pregnancy and plus I guess a part of me knows very well what can still go wrong at this very early stage.  Like what am I now, 4 weeks and 3 days?  It's not a sealed deal yet, so I can't feel super happy. But compared to the last cycle, obviously this is looking way better, so I have my hopes way up, let's face it. 

I'm a bit all over the place.  I guess I just want to feel reassurance that everything is going to be ok, and the reality is that there is no way of really knowing.  Like what if, after all this, the baby has some horrible condition that I can't even imagine?  But I also worry about a million and one horrible things that could happen to Joseph, at any time.  It doesn't end with healthy birth, then there is SIDS to worry about, and all sorts of injuries or illnesses.  I am a real worrier so this is horrible, and especially something so unknown like what is going to be the outcome of the donor aspect of the conception.  It seems that all the parents of donor conceived children have very small children.  There is virtually no one on the forums with older kids.  I guess in part because it is fairly new and gaining more popularity now. I just feel a lot of regret that I didn't push harder to have the donor be known, but we were so desperate for a "proven" donor that we didn't want to rule her out because she had done 3 unknown cycles already, but with the "promise" of becoming known later.  Now I feel so anxious about the possibility that she will either back out of that promise (which she is entitled to do) or simply not be reachable despite our efforts to keep track.  What will this mean for the child.  Do you think I worry too much?

Meanwhile, just to make my problems seem petty, my poor friend just found out this week that her step mom was admitted to hospital for a lung issue, and now all of a sudden she is on life support!  They put her into an induced coma and hope after 5-7 days she will come out of it ok.  My friend is completely freaked out and in shock because her step mom was totally healthy and fine up until this past week.  Then she had mild symptoms of fatigue, and finally decided to go to the hospital, where they ran tests and found out her lungs were a total mess with nodules and scar tissue all over the place.  She has arthritis, so they think it is related.  She does not even smoke or anything!  I feel so terrible for her.  I don't even know what to say!
After losing my dad suddenly I can certainly understand the shock of having your parent totally fine one minute and then all of a sudden they are gone.  And before I knew he was actually gone, I felt that bargaining/ negotiating that you do...  "if only he'll be ok, I promise to ....(whatever)"  But I feel so angry that my prayers went unanswered.  He was not ok, and it was very hard to accept. 

Well, the week from hell is underway.  Tomorrow is the Remembrance Day Assembly, which I am overseeing and which I think will be fine....  I don't think it will be the best one ever, but whatever.  Then the District Review and a "team" meeting regarding a special needs student in my class.  Sending home all the reports, then all the interviews.  I actually changed all my reports and raised the grades!  I had second thoughts about being too hard after only 2 months of Grade 1!  So now everyone is "progressing well".  I will deal with the inconsistency of having the second report say otherwise when the time comes.  It is still so early, and seriously, one minute this one girl could not read a single word from the frequent words list, and then later I heard her read a few words.  And I thought she couldn't count, but then I got her to count today.  So it is so hard to know what is going on with these kids.  I just can't stamp them with a grade yet, and I don't want to discourage and depress them with a bad mark right now.  I was a little tougher about the "learning skills" part.  That's what the first report is supposed to focus on anyway.  Some of them need to work on lots of those learning skills.  (Independent work, organization, responsibility, collaboration with others, self regulation, and one other, I can't remember). 

Oh, I forgot to even mention I was in a fender bender this morning!  Fortunately I was in DH's truck because he switched cars with me so he could take my car in to get snow tires.  Some girl rear-ended me when I was sitting at a red light.  I didn't realize what had happened and I thought my car engine had just exploded!  There was a boom and the car jerked forward.  I was actually relieved to find out it was a car that hit me, because I thought the motor was toast!  The car that hit me had the front smashed in (the grill, and the light), while the truck just had a tiny dent in the bumper, with some paint chips from her car on it.   I am SO thankful I wasn't in my little Honda Fit, or it would not have worked out like that.  The car that hit me was a Mercedes, to top it off!   The girl driving it looked young, so maybe it was her dad's car.  Anyway, this was on my way to work, so I was glad that it was not really major and after 5 minutes of looking at the damage we were back on our way to work, slightly shaken up but not injured at all.  Her car was still fine to drive, but I'm sure it will cost a lot to fix.  Ours, of course, we will do nothing to since it was just a dent in the bumper, to add to the others.

My next beta is in 3-4 days, so probably Friday.  I'm supposed to do the intralipids again too, that horrible iv that makes you feel like you have the flu afterwards.  And I already feel like I'm coming down with something. 

9 comments:

  1. YAY!!!
    And since you asked: yes I think you worry too much (pot, meet kettle). I am a professional-level worrier, so know I am not dogging on you at all. I worry about the 1001 things that could still happen to Liam. My gut feeling is that most people would be fine being genetically different from their parents, and that most teenagers say that most awful, hurtful thing they can come up with. Their real feelings will be the comments made in the 20s and 30s.. and I think most people by then are OK. Wishing you luck!

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    1. Thanks, Liz! It's weird that some days I feel fine and others I am so overcome with worry that it makes me physically feel sick, and depressed. I hope it will all work out for the best. I have a friend who never met her genetic father, and my mother in law is in the same boat too, so I know that as adults they continue to wonder and be disturbed by this lack of information. It leaves them with a void. But I wonder if egg donation leaves the same kind of feeling. Both my friend and my MIL have still never met their fathers... My friend got her mom to tell her the name, and she thinks she found him on Facebook but is too shy to attempt contact. And my MIL got the name but also found out he had another family and he is deceased. I feel sad for them. Egg donation is different from adoption or from having an estranged genetic dad, but there is still someone with a genetic link "out there", so I wonder how that will play out. Am I going to keep worrying about this for the next 18+ years? I hope not! Plus, there are so many other things to worry about!! Good thing I'm going to a therapist. I'm working on this. I hope you can also relax and not worry about your little guy. It's hard, after the past experiences we have been through also, with losing a much wanted baby. You feel like what you have is so fragile and could be gone any second. We cherish every day with our little one, as I'm sure you do yours. My mantra these days: Breathe. It's going to be ok. (Keep repeating this until you start to believe it)

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  2. Randomly found your blog. So exciting to click on the latest post and see such happy news. Good luck to you!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! I am in a lonely little corner of the blogsphere so I appreciate anyone who can share this journey with me. I don't share much of this with anyone in real life, so I'm glad to find people who can relate. Good luck on your journey as well!

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  3. I'm sorry you're struggling so much! I think you make the best possible choices you can with the information and then you move forward. Regret doesn't help anyone and what's done is done. Hopefully you can just enjoy your positive news without getting bogged down in all of the "what if" scenarios. Congrats on your positive beta!!!

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    1. Hi Jessah,
      Yeah, my mind goes wild with the 'what ifs'. I guess I am mainly projecting the experience of my friend and my MIL (as I mentioned in my comment above) who never knew their genetic fathers and this SEEMED to not bother them, except recently they both told me that they did seek out their fathers and got their names but never made contact, which is a bit sad. I just think the whole mystery of it is annoying and if they just could have met this person then it would have been so much better. My MIL is in her 60s and her father (whom she never met) is deceased, and my friend still has the option of reaching out but she said she feels there is no point. So this is where I am coming from with my worries, I somehow think my child is going to be left hanging like this and don't like that idea. But who knows, maybe it will not be like that at all? Do you feel concerns about having this extra person in the picture, or do you think it will not be such a big deal? My husband says well this is 2014 so it's all good, and in 10-20 years no one will even think anything about donor conception. Maybe I'm too backwards and uptight. I worry about what my mom is going to think! (She is so old school she thinks it is strange to have ultrasounds! She never had them in 'her day', or basically any kind of fertility treatments, let alone DE IVF.) Anyway, you are right, I should focus on the positive. Thank G-d it worked!! Let's just focus on that for a while. :-) (Part of me still can't believe it.) Hope you are doing well. Getting closer every week!

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  4. I'm sorry this joyful time also brings with it lots of what if's. Building a family creatively isn't always easy and it is hard to think about what the future might hold. I think about that aspect of adoption all the time. (Since our daughter is adopted.) I wonder how we will tell her and how we can help her best understand she has always been loved, by her birth parents and us. I want to make it all normal so she never feels strange about coming to our family through the gift of adoption. I hope that as this pregnancy continues you can let go of some of those fears. I'm a worrier too so I know it won't be easy. But for now, just enjoy the ride. What a blessing this is.

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  5. Glad to hear it all. Well, except the parts that involves the rearing of your car. That is a total bummer. I hope you are considerably insured, or at least amply compensated for your woes. You can pursue that further if you want to, you just have to find the right people to help you. Take care!

    Kim Hunter @ Kim Hunter Law

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  6. I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with all those things almost all at the same time. But I’ve read some of your recent posts, and it’s good to know that you’ve managed to go through those encounters quite well. Anyway, that accident with the car is not that bad, and it’s nice to know that no one got hurt from the incident. Anyway, thank you for sharing these experiences with us. Take care!


    Modesto Culbertson @ D&Z Law Group

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