Tuesday, 25 November 2014

First Ultrasound

The first ultrasound yesterday went fine.  There was one baby, with a heartbeat of 126.  So that was quite a relief.  With my high betas I was worried maybe I had twins, even though I only transferred 1 embryo.  My donor has identical twin sisters, so it has crossed my mind that the risk of having identical twins is probably higher because of that.  I am still worried about the high betas indicating a trisomy, but will not know until week 12.  For now, all is well with the baby. 

I have been feeling down and very anxious about not having contact with the donor.  I called the agency to ask about the questions that I asked that have not yet been answered by the donor, and I had initially asked those before the cycle started, in early October.  Her background is listed as "American", and I wanted to know more detail than that about her family origins.  For example, I know that my dad is of Irish and German background, and my mom is English and French.  I think it's interesting to know this.  They said that the donor is probably busy and I just have to wait, they assured me that the contract I have in place is enough to have future contact if that is what the child wants, and if the agency goes out of business that they will inform me and have a legal form take over the files for safe keeping.  She said the donor had already said that she did not want any email or other contact before the child is 18, so she would not ask her about it, and she does not want to know my name.  I find it a bit sad that she doesn't even know our names.  Our first donor knew us and knew our story of why we needed her help. 

But by a stroke of strange luck, as I was having this phone conversation with the agency that seemed to go nowhere, and breaking into tears at different points as I explained my concerns and questions, one of the staff asked who my donor was, and I said her first name, and as she looked up the file, she said oh yes, and then muttered (to herself, I think) the name of a well-known street in my city, as she was scanning through the file.  The conversation moved on, but after I hung up, I wondered if this name was actually the donor's last name, and a quick internet search, 2 seconds later --poof!--I had the exact same picture of the donor that I had on my profile, with her full name beside it.  The amazing power of the internet.  So I don't know if that was a mistake, I think it was.  The donor had said that she was ok with me knowing her name, so they gave me her first name, but maybe they were supposed to give me both names anyway?  Anyway, whatever, but I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted, since by having her full name I feel that I now have all the information I need if the child wants it, and we will definitely be able to find her if that is what the child wants.  With this information, I don't feel like I am relying on the lawyer or the agency to keep it, (though they are supposed to) and who knows what is going to happen over the next 18 years and if I will even be able to find them at that point.  Both lawyers expressed concern about keeping the donor's information, and refused to be responsible for keeping updated contact information, for example.  This was after paying them thousands of dollars, by the way, and too late in the cycle to find another lawyer.  So that was not so reassuring.  I have some major trust issues with these lawyers, at this point, let's just say.  And the agency I used has only been in operation for a few years, plus in Canada using donor egg is on the verge of being illegal, so who knows if in a few more years it will be outlawed and the agency shut down.  There has already been another Canadian surrogacy/egg donor agency prior to this one that WAS shut down by the authorities in 2011, and I know the people going through a cycle at that time really got screwed.  Who knows what happened to those records.
I realize now I never should have gone ahead with an unknown donor for this cycle.  But to be fair, it does say "semi-known" on her profile, so that is open to interpretation, apparently, by each donor.  My previous donor was listed as "anonymous", but when asked she was actually fine with being known and with meeting us.  So I guess I thought this one would be ok with it too, and am kind of surprised that she is not.  If I were to do it again (which I will most definitely NOT), I would make certain that the donor is known and open to meeting and having contact.  Apparently this is more important to me than I even realized, considering my increasing depression up until this point.
So anyway, I feel like the anonymity bit has been resolved, and I feel like it is all going to be ok now.  I really feel SO, so much better!  I was really depressed and worried sick about this last week, and did know how I was going to get over it.  I can't believe that stress is gone, like that, just by knowing 2 syllables.  I feel like I can let go, it is an amazing feeling!

Now I am just worried that the baby is ok, and won't really know until after the 12 week bloodwork, and the 20 week anatomy scan.  Or really, until the baby is delivered safely.  So I am feeling just the regular pregnancy after TFMR anxiety, which is bad enough, but the donor stuff was just too much on top of that.  Who knows, maybe the donor issues will resurface again, but at least now I just feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle that I need to satisfy my child's curiosity, even if he/she does not get to meet the donor until age 18. I was feeling so horribly guilty about that. 

I know my mother and possibly some other family/friends may have some issues or concerns about the donor bit, and it may be stressful to explain to them about it and answer their awkward questions.  That is less of a concern to me, though.  I will figure out how much and what to say when the time comes.

I still have not told my family or friends (except a few that truly know the WHOLE story from the beginning) about the pregnancy.  I was feeling kind of bad about that.  It was my brother's birthday last week, and it felt wrong to call him and have this whole conversation, and say nothing about the pregnancy.  But that's what I did.  It makes me feel alone and isolated, and makes the pregnancy feel imaginary.  But at least the ultrasound made it feel more real.  There is a little heart beating in there, OMG!  This IS real! 

My EDD is around July 13th, 2015, but the doctor said she may need to revise it next week.  I am actually measuring a few days ahead.  I was supposed to be 6w4d yesterday, but the baby was measuring at 7w.  I hope this doesn't indicate a problem.  The doctor said, oh it's just a really fast growing embryo, I think. 

Our 11 year wedding anniversary is July 17, 2015.  Who knew it would take this long to build our modest family!  I hope we can celebrate the anniversary with our family complete, and two babies in our arms.

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Beta #4

So the number today was 14,806 at 21dp5dt.  The RE does not need me to do any more bloodwork (yeah!) and my first ultrasound will be on November 24th.  Hoping there is a heartbeat in there next Monday!
Aside from feeling really, really tired, not many other symptoms. 
Ok, time to go to bed!!

Friday, 14 November 2014

Beta #3

Today I went for beta #3 at 17dp5dt and the result was 5,662.  So the doctor is really happy with that and said to do another one in 4 days, and to come in for the first ultrasound on November 24th.  I also did my intralipids for the second time today, so I was hooked up to the iv for a few hours (actually fell asleep while getting the transfusion, which was nice since I was so tired).  The donor nurse was at the clinic and came to see me before I got started.  I had not spoken to her in person yet (just by email), and she was taking over from the other donor nurse from the last cycle who is now on leave.  She was SO excited and just hugged me again and again, and was practically crying with joy.  I was so touched, I didn't think she was that invested in this but it was really, really sweet.  And strange because I have been going around with my stressful week at work, and no one even knows that I did a cycle let alone that I'm pregnant, so in a way it doesn't feel real except in my own head.  I asked her about my donor, whom she had met in person.  I asked if she looked like me and what she was like.  The nurse said she has "more body" to her than I do (I guess a nice way of saying she is a bit chunkier) but that she is really, really cute.  She said she is really committed and amazing, she really wants to help and she is a wonderful person.  So I felt so reassured by those words, and my concerns were somewhat alleviated.  I do like the idea that my donor is so altruistic and I guess on some level it is hard to fully understand it.  But it was also great to see the unbridled enthusiasm of this nurse, since I have not felt safe enough myself to get that excited, but seeing her that way made me feel really hopeful and optimistic that this is all going to work out.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Beta #2

My beta today was 1,222.  So that is more than double, and good news!  I don't know why, but I have been feeling so many mixed feelings.  I mean, I'm not sad enough to cry like I know I would if the pregnancy were not going well, but I don't feel as happy as I would have thought.  I feel sadness for my child that they may eventually feel angry about all of this, angry at me!  Can you imagine, this is a tiny embryo and I am imagining a teenager who is totally pissed at me about using a donor.  Or is depressed about it, or whatever.  I feel guilty about being happy to be pregnant.  It is just not a straightforward pregnancy and plus I guess a part of me knows very well what can still go wrong at this very early stage.  Like what am I now, 4 weeks and 3 days?  It's not a sealed deal yet, so I can't feel super happy. But compared to the last cycle, obviously this is looking way better, so I have my hopes way up, let's face it. 

I'm a bit all over the place.  I guess I just want to feel reassurance that everything is going to be ok, and the reality is that there is no way of really knowing.  Like what if, after all this, the baby has some horrible condition that I can't even imagine?  But I also worry about a million and one horrible things that could happen to Joseph, at any time.  It doesn't end with healthy birth, then there is SIDS to worry about, and all sorts of injuries or illnesses.  I am a real worrier so this is horrible, and especially something so unknown like what is going to be the outcome of the donor aspect of the conception.  It seems that all the parents of donor conceived children have very small children.  There is virtually no one on the forums with older kids.  I guess in part because it is fairly new and gaining more popularity now. I just feel a lot of regret that I didn't push harder to have the donor be known, but we were so desperate for a "proven" donor that we didn't want to rule her out because she had done 3 unknown cycles already, but with the "promise" of becoming known later.  Now I feel so anxious about the possibility that she will either back out of that promise (which she is entitled to do) or simply not be reachable despite our efforts to keep track.  What will this mean for the child.  Do you think I worry too much?

Meanwhile, just to make my problems seem petty, my poor friend just found out this week that her step mom was admitted to hospital for a lung issue, and now all of a sudden she is on life support!  They put her into an induced coma and hope after 5-7 days she will come out of it ok.  My friend is completely freaked out and in shock because her step mom was totally healthy and fine up until this past week.  Then she had mild symptoms of fatigue, and finally decided to go to the hospital, where they ran tests and found out her lungs were a total mess with nodules and scar tissue all over the place.  She has arthritis, so they think it is related.  She does not even smoke or anything!  I feel so terrible for her.  I don't even know what to say!
After losing my dad suddenly I can certainly understand the shock of having your parent totally fine one minute and then all of a sudden they are gone.  And before I knew he was actually gone, I felt that bargaining/ negotiating that you do...  "if only he'll be ok, I promise to ....(whatever)"  But I feel so angry that my prayers went unanswered.  He was not ok, and it was very hard to accept. 

Well, the week from hell is underway.  Tomorrow is the Remembrance Day Assembly, which I am overseeing and which I think will be fine....  I don't think it will be the best one ever, but whatever.  Then the District Review and a "team" meeting regarding a special needs student in my class.  Sending home all the reports, then all the interviews.  I actually changed all my reports and raised the grades!  I had second thoughts about being too hard after only 2 months of Grade 1!  So now everyone is "progressing well".  I will deal with the inconsistency of having the second report say otherwise when the time comes.  It is still so early, and seriously, one minute this one girl could not read a single word from the frequent words list, and then later I heard her read a few words.  And I thought she couldn't count, but then I got her to count today.  So it is so hard to know what is going on with these kids.  I just can't stamp them with a grade yet, and I don't want to discourage and depress them with a bad mark right now.  I was a little tougher about the "learning skills" part.  That's what the first report is supposed to focus on anyway.  Some of them need to work on lots of those learning skills.  (Independent work, organization, responsibility, collaboration with others, self regulation, and one other, I can't remember). 

Oh, I forgot to even mention I was in a fender bender this morning!  Fortunately I was in DH's truck because he switched cars with me so he could take my car in to get snow tires.  Some girl rear-ended me when I was sitting at a red light.  I didn't realize what had happened and I thought my car engine had just exploded!  There was a boom and the car jerked forward.  I was actually relieved to find out it was a car that hit me, because I thought the motor was toast!  The car that hit me had the front smashed in (the grill, and the light), while the truck just had a tiny dent in the bumper, with some paint chips from her car on it.   I am SO thankful I wasn't in my little Honda Fit, or it would not have worked out like that.  The car that hit me was a Mercedes, to top it off!   The girl driving it looked young, so maybe it was her dad's car.  Anyway, this was on my way to work, so I was glad that it was not really major and after 5 minutes of looking at the damage we were back on our way to work, slightly shaken up but not injured at all.  Her car was still fine to drive, but I'm sure it will cost a lot to fix.  Ours, of course, we will do nothing to since it was just a dent in the bumper, to add to the others.

My next beta is in 3-4 days, so probably Friday.  I'm supposed to do the intralipids again too, that horrible iv that makes you feel like you have the flu afterwards.  And I already feel like I'm coming down with something. 

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Beta #1

Beta #1 was 486.  We did it on Friday, so that is 11dp5dt.  The second beta is tomorrow.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Getting darker!

The line is getting darker.  It is now very dark, so no doubt I'll get a positive beta tomorrow.  I hope it doubles well.  Here is a picture!

Monday, 3 November 2014


The line was a bit darker this morning.  It's still pretty light, but there is definitely a line there.  Hoping for a darker one tomorrow!

Sunday, 2 November 2014


This morning I did a test, although terrified it may be stark white and would be left to contemplate that for the day... but I did see a shadow of a line on the test!  I wouldn't say it's a BFP but it looks promising!