Saturday, 2 August 2014

Transfer- one day early

I went for my transfer today.  The news was slightly better this morning about the embryos.  Yesterday I had one morula and all the others going slowly, this morning there was one blast, one early blast, and one morula.  All the others were going more slowly or had arrested.  So the RE said we could actually do the PGS biopsy on the 3 embryos and then do a day 6 transfer tomorrow. 

However, I thought it was not worth it to test just 3 embryos, and also I was afraid that some or all of the 3 would arrest by tomorrow, so I opted for a transfer today with the best 2 non-tested embryos.  When I went in for the transfer I found out the two blasts were doing even better than just a few hours before, the "good" one was actually fully hatched, and the "bad" one has turned into a beautiful looking blast.  So we put them in, and I was happy that they had taken a turn for the better, BUT not long afterwards I started feeling really regretful that I hadn't thought to just put in the hatched blast and freeze the second beautiful blast for another transfer.  I go back and forth between being ok with twins to being scared, so all of a sudden I felt a wave of panic and I swear if I could have taken one of those embryos back out, I would have!!!  But of course it is too late now, so I just hope it will all work out ok. 

There was the one morula remaining that they will observe and freeze tomorrow if it turns into a blast.  I still am in total shock that out of 17 eggs retrieved I only got 2 blasts and only one maybe embryo to freeze.  I was hoping for a lot more.  Plus I am bummed that the PGS did not work out and I have transferred untested embryos, which scares me.  I feel calmer now, though.  Earlier today I was so upset I could barely eat, my stomach was in a knot.  My mind raced with so many worries, and now I am just exhausted.  DH says that maybe also it is like too many people trying to go through a doorway and get stuck, my many worries have compacted and just can't get through anymore.  I figure I may as well wait for whatever really happens than to worry about millions of hypothetical situations (and believe me I can't even list here the many things that could go wrong that I worry about).  Hopefully I will sleep better tonight, last night I was up thinking about what was happening to my embryos and wondering what the morning would bring.  Now I have 2 embies transferred so nothing to do but wait and see. 

If this cycle fails, hopefully there will be that one embie frozen, if it makes it tomorrow.  But if not, then I think that is it for me, I don't think we can afford or want to fork out the money for another cycle to get a sibling for Joseph.  I'm wondering if I will be able to accept that, if that is the outcome.  We really wanted a sibling for him, but after this cycle we will have spent $100k in all on fertility treatments, and I think that is our limit.  Very disappointing if that's how it ends, but we know that we tried everything, and we are lucky to have our one son from this 10 years of infertility hell.






 
 

2 comments:

  1. Glad things seems to have turned around. wishing you (and the three embies!) all the best.

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  2. At least you have Joseph. But this is a il tough pill to swallow. You don't expect this from a donor cycle at all. And it's so hard to deal with the loss of money. We have spent about the same and if you focus on it too much...it's enough to make you so angry. I am so so sorry this cycle hasn't gone better.

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