The clinic called this morning, one day late, to tell me that my remaining embryo that they were observing did not make it, so there is nothing to freeze. So the 2 blasts that were transferred were it. At least now I feel like I probably did make the right decision to transfer both of them. What are the chances that they are both going to make it, since the other 8 arrested. They probably would have arrested too, if left in the petri dish another day, to wait for the day 6 PGS results.
In fact, I really feel like nothing is going on and I have lost them both already. I feel sad about this. Maybe all the stress I have been experiencing killed them. Also, I have had to lift up Joseph to change him and put him in the stroller, and I'm not supposed to be lifting anything, maybe this had a negative impact.
I know I said before that I was scared about twins and a BFN may be a relief, that is totally not true, I fear having a BFN and that would in fact be the worst outcome. As I have thought more about it, I obviously would prefer a singleton, but if I had twins, I would embrace the chaos. A BFN would be sad.
We went through all this, and the struggle to become ok with donor eggs, and find a donor who would be willing to be open, and then to end up with nothing is a huge let down. If it doesn't work, we are not trying again. Even DH agrees, and he is the one who wanted 3 kids! We have spent too much on this, emotionally and financially, and this just can't go on.
We have been working for 10 years to have our family, and so whatever the results of this cycle are, that is what our family is going to be. I hope there is another baby to join us, but if it is a bust, well that is the way the cookie crumbled. It sucks. But many people have only 1 child. We can think of a number of friends who just had one, for whatever reason. Having a sibling is really nice, but it is not the only thing in life that brings a fulfilling and happy life.
We hope for a sibling for Joseph, we really tried for one. Hopefully this cycle works with our 2 "great" blasts. At least being childless is not one of the possible outcomes, that is truly the worst and we are so glad that we are not facing that right now. My beta is on Aug. 14th. It's going to be a long wait!