Monday, 4 August 2014

Nothing to freeze

The clinic called this morning, one day late, to tell me that my remaining embryo that they were observing did not make it, so there is nothing to freeze.  So the 2 blasts that were transferred were it.  At least now I feel like I probably did make the right decision to transfer both of them.  What are the chances that they are both going to make it, since the other 8 arrested.  They probably would have arrested too, if left in the petri dish another day, to wait for the day 6 PGS results. 

In fact, I really feel like nothing is going on and I have lost them both already.  I feel sad about this.  Maybe all the stress I have been experiencing killed them.  Also, I have had to lift up Joseph to change him and put him in the stroller, and I'm not supposed to be lifting anything, maybe this had a negative impact. 

I know I said before that I was scared about twins and a BFN may be a relief, that is totally not true, I fear having a BFN and that would in fact be the worst outcome.  As I have thought more about it, I obviously would prefer a singleton, but if I had twins, I would embrace the chaos.  A BFN would be sad. 

We went through all this, and the struggle to become ok with donor eggs, and find a donor who would be willing to be open, and then to end up with nothing is a huge let down.  If it doesn't work, we are not trying again.  Even DH agrees, and he is the one who wanted 3 kids!  We have spent too much on this, emotionally and financially, and this just can't go on. 

We have been working for 10 years to have our family, and so whatever the results of this cycle are, that is what our family is going to be.  I hope there is another baby to join us, but if it is a bust, well that is the way the cookie crumbled.  It sucks.  But many people have only 1 child.  We can think of a number of friends who just had one, for whatever reason.  Having a sibling is really nice, but it is not the only thing in life that brings a fulfilling and happy life. 

We hope for a sibling for Joseph, we really tried for one.  Hopefully this cycle works with our 2 "great" blasts.  At least being childless is not one of the possible outcomes, that is truly the worst and we are so glad that we are not facing that right now.  My beta is on Aug. 14th.  It's going to be a long wait!

3 comments:

  1. Oh no! I'm so sorry you didn't have anything to freeze. Hoping Joseph's sibling is one of your two embryos transferred.

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  2. I'm so sad for you. I really hoped there would be something to freeze to allay your fears this cycle. That said, I'm staying hopeful for the two in there. Regardless of outcome, I hope that your family is at peace with whatever the outcome will be.

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  3. I am finally catching up. I'm so sorry you are on this roller coaster. My fingers are crossed and I am on the edge of my seat with you for Aug 14!!! Do not punish yourself thinking you are too stressed to allow a pregnancy to take--your thoughts are not the kind of stress that prevent your body from doing its thing. (I just read that the kind of stress that affects pregnancy is living in or fleeing a war zone, literally, and famine, things like that.) Not to sound like "relax, it will happen," but kind of the opposite--NOT relaxing doesn't mean NOT happening. Hugs and good thoughts as you ride this ride!

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