Sunday, 3 August 2014

Feeling terrified

I have been feeling really horrible since the transfer.  Basically once I left the clinic and was out on the street I have felt such incredible regret for putting in 2 embryos.  I am so scared that we will have twins and a toddler, the more I think about it, the more I realize this totally doesn't work for the way we are living right now.  We don't have room for 2 cribs/ 2 beds in our spare room because it is so small.  Both our cars are too small for 3 car seats.  I can't figure out how I'm going to supervise 3 of them when we go on any outing.  What if they all start crying at once?  OMG I am so freaked out, what was I thinking, putting in two??? 
I am angry with my RE, I feel like she rushed me and I didn't have time to process the new information, that the 2 best embryos were not that crappy after all, they were actually really, really good, despite the fact that the other 8 did so poorly.  Only 3 were any good at all by day 5, so that is pretty crappy from 10 fertilizing.  So now, too late, I am thinking that I should have transferred one and frozen the other one.  WTF is wrong with me, why didn't I speak up?  I didn't even think of it because she told me they were much better than earlier evaluated literally 5 seconds before she did the transfer.  Then afterwards she says well, this is an even greater chance for twins! 
I am so scared of my life being turned upside down.  Moving to a new house, I have no idea where because the housing market here is brutal and overpriced.  That is the only thing that was keeping us afloat is that our little house is paid off, and now if we have to move we will have to take on a $300k-$400 mortgage to upgrade our house size anywhere in this area where we live.  I don't even know who would buy our house, it is expensive and also not very practical for many people.  We make it work, but there is only one bathroom, and our kitchen is outdated and doesn't even have a dishwasher, we just do our dishes by hand.  How can I hand wash dishes with 3 kids?  The house is small with hardly any storage space.  We have to just keep throwing things out to keep it tidy.  Who else would put up with this?  It is near a great park, that we love, and good schools.  We want to stay here, in our little house, but if we have twins how could we stay? 
If I had twins (plus Joseph) I would need help.  Like probably a nanny.  How can we afford that?  This is just crazy, I am so upset that at this point I think I would rather have a BFN than get the news that we are having twins.  Why did I put two in?  I am so mad at myself and I feel so stupid.  I feel a cold and prickly feeling, I can't sleep and have barely been able to eat today. 
DH says maybe we can think of solutions.  Like we could switch bedrooms and give the twins the master bedroom and we could take the smaller room that would not fit their beds.  Or put all three kids in the master room, us in the middle room, and the nanny in Joseph's old room.  Or we could move.  He said we don't even know if we are having twins now, so it could be worry for nothing.  He said we will find a way to make it work, it is going to be ok.  We will solve problems as they come up, we don't have to figure out everything right now.  And that no one has died, this is not the worst problem to have.  Lots of people have 3 kids close in age and they are fine. 
I wish I could just feel relaxed and at peace with my decision, but I feel a constant panic.  Like I'm walking along, then suddenly falling off a cliff and I'm hanging on to some tree branch for dear life, and just dangling there for hours and hours.  Then eventually I feel better and I'm back on solid ground for a few hours, but then something will set me off, I will think of some other problem and I'm dangling in the void again.  I am so tired, but I hold all this tension in my body, to hang on to that branch and not fall into the abyss. 
I feel shivery and cold right now, and it is not even that cold in my house.  It is my nerves that is making me feel like this.  I feel like this is a bad dream.  Even more so because this whole donor egg cycle has been kept between DH and myself, and I have not said a word to my family, DH's family, my friends, etc.  So when I talk to those people I can't even share this inner turmoil and grief over my decision and my fear for what will become of our life and our finances because of it.  I tell them that I'm nervous about going back to work, which I also am.  I am a teacher and have been off for 1.5 years, and now I'm going back next month, teaching a new grade.  I am not ready at all and the room is not set up.  How am I supposed to move boxes and furniture around when I'm not even supposed to lift anything?  And I feel guilty about sending Joseph to daycare, he has no idea right now that this is what is in store.  He has never been there before, it will be scary and weird for him to be left there all day with strangers when normally I am always with him.  He will wonder what he did wrong to be left like that.  Maybe he will think he is lost and I'm never coming back.  I will be so distracted with work and if I am pregnant I will be exhausted.  He is going to freak out!  What if his personality changes and he becomes an insecure, angry, whiny, nervous child instead of the happy, secure, adorable little guy that he is now?  Plus, we don't even have a spot in the daycare for sure, we will have to check on Tuesday.  If no spot is available then my MIL will have to come watch him until a spot opens up! 
I feel like I was enjoying life, and then I transferred 2 embryos and my life turned to total shit.  And it may be permanently this way.  How am I going to be able to leave the house with 3 babies?  What if they all start screaming at the same time?  How am I going to breastfeed twins and also watch a toddler?  How can I afford all this extra childcare?  OMG I feel sick.  I don't know what to do to feel better. 

2 comments:

  1. I can feel your anxiety in this post and your head might be getting the better of you. I agree with DH. You can solve a problem when it's in front of you. But as of right now, you don't have a crisis. It is possible even with donor eggs, only one or none could stick. If you don't relax and neither sticks, you might have regrets that you worried so much for no reason and couldn't relax. I hope this doesn't make you angry. I'm just trying to be helpful as I know this is your outlet and you can't talk to family about this. Praying for your peace during your 2ww and that everything will work out as it was meant to.

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    1. Thanks, Jessah! I know, now I am worried that all this stress will cause a BFN. I feel horrible.

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