Sunday, 17 August 2014

Beta #2

The beta came back as 20.  So that is the end of my cycle.  We are really devastated, and also very pissed.  How can a donor cycle go like this?  If it were my own eggs, I could understand it, but this is really f**ng unbelievable. 
I have to go in for more betas so they can follow me down to zero, before I can "conceive again".  With no frozen embryos, and my own eggs all being no good, I really don't see how there will be anything to follow this.  What do they mean by "conceive again"?
I will see what my RE has to say about this whenever I get to have a meeting with her.  Who knows when that will be.
I don't even know what to say to my donor.  Am I supposed to email her and tell her what happened? 
I feel angry with her, maybe she didn't take her meds properly or she did something that F-ed up the cycle.  Or maybe she's just a 24 year old infertile, am I the one who is supposed to inform her of this?  I don't even know what to say.  Am I still supposed to be grateful for her sharing this amazing gift?  The gift of sucking up all my finances dedicated to this last attempt, and now I am left to scrape together money that we don't even have to try again on someone who is actually fertile and could actually help us?  Yes, I guess I am an angry, ungrateful b**ch but that is how I am feeling right now.  I feel like knocking my RE's and donor's heads together.  I was depending on them and I feel like they really let me down.  I don't even know if I trust my RE to do another cycle.  Maybe I should change to someone else, or change clinics.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Beta #1

The results today were 67.  So I am disappointed that it wasn't higher and feel scared that the end is near.  I am praying that it doubles by Saturday, otherwise I don't know what I will do! 

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Faint line

I have been getting really faint lines on HPTs the last few days and I fear it is not enough for a viable pregnancy.  But I guess I am pregnant, so hooray for that.  I will enjoy it while it lasts.  
This week has been so horribly stressful, I can't even begin to explain it.  We have been going through this horrible decision about which of two mediocre daycares to send him to, and feeling terrible about either choice we finally just had to pick one.  I'm overwhelmed with the thought of going back to work, teaching Grade 1 (a new grade for me), in a new room, and unpacking all my stuff from storage.  My whole life is going to change in a few weeks.  And sadly, I think another WTF appointment is in my future as well, and no new baby to look forward to.  Just more decisions, crap.  I hate making decisions.  Do we try again?  What do we do differently?  Do we stop?  How will we come to acceptance?  My anxiety has been very high and I can barely eat, I feel so sick with worry and too much problem solving.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

19 months

Joseph is now 19 months old!  I love him so much, and dread leaving him at daycare starting in just over a week.  He does so much now, and his personality is really coming out!  He is very inquisitive and playful, so full of smiles and joy.  I really hope going to daycare doesn't shake him up too much.  Needless to say, with this 2 week wait, daycare starting, and soon returning to work, I have been a mess.  I have been feeling really low, and scared that I will continue to feel this way.  I am worried that this cycle likely hasn't worked, and maybe Joseph is going to be an only child.  I'm not sure what to do with those thoughts.  I am trying to just focus on the joys of the moment.  And Joseph brings me so much joy! 

Monday, 4 August 2014

Nothing to freeze

The clinic called this morning, one day late, to tell me that my remaining embryo that they were observing did not make it, so there is nothing to freeze.  So the 2 blasts that were transferred were it.  At least now I feel like I probably did make the right decision to transfer both of them.  What are the chances that they are both going to make it, since the other 8 arrested.  They probably would have arrested too, if left in the petri dish another day, to wait for the day 6 PGS results. 

In fact, I really feel like nothing is going on and I have lost them both already.  I feel sad about this.  Maybe all the stress I have been experiencing killed them.  Also, I have had to lift up Joseph to change him and put him in the stroller, and I'm not supposed to be lifting anything, maybe this had a negative impact. 

I know I said before that I was scared about twins and a BFN may be a relief, that is totally not true, I fear having a BFN and that would in fact be the worst outcome.  As I have thought more about it, I obviously would prefer a singleton, but if I had twins, I would embrace the chaos.  A BFN would be sad. 

We went through all this, and the struggle to become ok with donor eggs, and find a donor who would be willing to be open, and then to end up with nothing is a huge let down.  If it doesn't work, we are not trying again.  Even DH agrees, and he is the one who wanted 3 kids!  We have spent too much on this, emotionally and financially, and this just can't go on. 

We have been working for 10 years to have our family, and so whatever the results of this cycle are, that is what our family is going to be.  I hope there is another baby to join us, but if it is a bust, well that is the way the cookie crumbled.  It sucks.  But many people have only 1 child.  We can think of a number of friends who just had one, for whatever reason.  Having a sibling is really nice, but it is not the only thing in life that brings a fulfilling and happy life. 

We hope for a sibling for Joseph, we really tried for one.  Hopefully this cycle works with our 2 "great" blasts.  At least being childless is not one of the possible outcomes, that is truly the worst and we are so glad that we are not facing that right now.  My beta is on Aug. 14th.  It's going to be a long wait!

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Feeling terrified

I have been feeling really horrible since the transfer.  Basically once I left the clinic and was out on the street I have felt such incredible regret for putting in 2 embryos.  I am so scared that we will have twins and a toddler, the more I think about it, the more I realize this totally doesn't work for the way we are living right now.  We don't have room for 2 cribs/ 2 beds in our spare room because it is so small.  Both our cars are too small for 3 car seats.  I can't figure out how I'm going to supervise 3 of them when we go on any outing.  What if they all start crying at once?  OMG I am so freaked out, what was I thinking, putting in two??? 
I am angry with my RE, I feel like she rushed me and I didn't have time to process the new information, that the 2 best embryos were not that crappy after all, they were actually really, really good, despite the fact that the other 8 did so poorly.  Only 3 were any good at all by day 5, so that is pretty crappy from 10 fertilizing.  So now, too late, I am thinking that I should have transferred one and frozen the other one.  WTF is wrong with me, why didn't I speak up?  I didn't even think of it because she told me they were much better than earlier evaluated literally 5 seconds before she did the transfer.  Then afterwards she says well, this is an even greater chance for twins! 
I am so scared of my life being turned upside down.  Moving to a new house, I have no idea where because the housing market here is brutal and overpriced.  That is the only thing that was keeping us afloat is that our little house is paid off, and now if we have to move we will have to take on a $300k-$400 mortgage to upgrade our house size anywhere in this area where we live.  I don't even know who would buy our house, it is expensive and also not very practical for many people.  We make it work, but there is only one bathroom, and our kitchen is outdated and doesn't even have a dishwasher, we just do our dishes by hand.  How can I hand wash dishes with 3 kids?  The house is small with hardly any storage space.  We have to just keep throwing things out to keep it tidy.  Who else would put up with this?  It is near a great park, that we love, and good schools.  We want to stay here, in our little house, but if we have twins how could we stay? 
If I had twins (plus Joseph) I would need help.  Like probably a nanny.  How can we afford that?  This is just crazy, I am so upset that at this point I think I would rather have a BFN than get the news that we are having twins.  Why did I put two in?  I am so mad at myself and I feel so stupid.  I feel a cold and prickly feeling, I can't sleep and have barely been able to eat today. 
DH says maybe we can think of solutions.  Like we could switch bedrooms and give the twins the master bedroom and we could take the smaller room that would not fit their beds.  Or put all three kids in the master room, us in the middle room, and the nanny in Joseph's old room.  Or we could move.  He said we don't even know if we are having twins now, so it could be worry for nothing.  He said we will find a way to make it work, it is going to be ok.  We will solve problems as they come up, we don't have to figure out everything right now.  And that no one has died, this is not the worst problem to have.  Lots of people have 3 kids close in age and they are fine. 
I wish I could just feel relaxed and at peace with my decision, but I feel a constant panic.  Like I'm walking along, then suddenly falling off a cliff and I'm hanging on to some tree branch for dear life, and just dangling there for hours and hours.  Then eventually I feel better and I'm back on solid ground for a few hours, but then something will set me off, I will think of some other problem and I'm dangling in the void again.  I am so tired, but I hold all this tension in my body, to hang on to that branch and not fall into the abyss. 
I feel shivery and cold right now, and it is not even that cold in my house.  It is my nerves that is making me feel like this.  I feel like this is a bad dream.  Even more so because this whole donor egg cycle has been kept between DH and myself, and I have not said a word to my family, DH's family, my friends, etc.  So when I talk to those people I can't even share this inner turmoil and grief over my decision and my fear for what will become of our life and our finances because of it.  I tell them that I'm nervous about going back to work, which I also am.  I am a teacher and have been off for 1.5 years, and now I'm going back next month, teaching a new grade.  I am not ready at all and the room is not set up.  How am I supposed to move boxes and furniture around when I'm not even supposed to lift anything?  And I feel guilty about sending Joseph to daycare, he has no idea right now that this is what is in store.  He has never been there before, it will be scary and weird for him to be left there all day with strangers when normally I am always with him.  He will wonder what he did wrong to be left like that.  Maybe he will think he is lost and I'm never coming back.  I will be so distracted with work and if I am pregnant I will be exhausted.  He is going to freak out!  What if his personality changes and he becomes an insecure, angry, whiny, nervous child instead of the happy, secure, adorable little guy that he is now?  Plus, we don't even have a spot in the daycare for sure, we will have to check on Tuesday.  If no spot is available then my MIL will have to come watch him until a spot opens up! 
I feel like I was enjoying life, and then I transferred 2 embryos and my life turned to total shit.  And it may be permanently this way.  How am I going to be able to leave the house with 3 babies?  What if they all start screaming at the same time?  How am I going to breastfeed twins and also watch a toddler?  How can I afford all this extra childcare?  OMG I feel sick.  I don't know what to do to feel better. 

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Transfer- one day early

I went for my transfer today.  The news was slightly better this morning about the embryos.  Yesterday I had one morula and all the others going slowly, this morning there was one blast, one early blast, and one morula.  All the others were going more slowly or had arrested.  So the RE said we could actually do the PGS biopsy on the 3 embryos and then do a day 6 transfer tomorrow. 

However, I thought it was not worth it to test just 3 embryos, and also I was afraid that some or all of the 3 would arrest by tomorrow, so I opted for a transfer today with the best 2 non-tested embryos.  When I went in for the transfer I found out the two blasts were doing even better than just a few hours before, the "good" one was actually fully hatched, and the "bad" one has turned into a beautiful looking blast.  So we put them in, and I was happy that they had taken a turn for the better, BUT not long afterwards I started feeling really regretful that I hadn't thought to just put in the hatched blast and freeze the second beautiful blast for another transfer.  I go back and forth between being ok with twins to being scared, so all of a sudden I felt a wave of panic and I swear if I could have taken one of those embryos back out, I would have!!!  But of course it is too late now, so I just hope it will all work out ok. 

There was the one morula remaining that they will observe and freeze tomorrow if it turns into a blast.  I still am in total shock that out of 17 eggs retrieved I only got 2 blasts and only one maybe embryo to freeze.  I was hoping for a lot more.  Plus I am bummed that the PGS did not work out and I have transferred untested embryos, which scares me.  I feel calmer now, though.  Earlier today I was so upset I could barely eat, my stomach was in a knot.  My mind raced with so many worries, and now I am just exhausted.  DH says that maybe also it is like too many people trying to go through a doorway and get stuck, my many worries have compacted and just can't get through anymore.  I figure I may as well wait for whatever really happens than to worry about millions of hypothetical situations (and believe me I can't even list here the many things that could go wrong that I worry about).  Hopefully I will sleep better tonight, last night I was up thinking about what was happening to my embryos and wondering what the morning would bring.  Now I have 2 embies transferred so nothing to do but wait and see. 

If this cycle fails, hopefully there will be that one embie frozen, if it makes it tomorrow.  But if not, then I think that is it for me, I don't think we can afford or want to fork out the money for another cycle to get a sibling for Joseph.  I'm wondering if I will be able to accept that, if that is the outcome.  We really wanted a sibling for him, but after this cycle we will have spent $100k in all on fertility treatments, and I think that is our limit.  Very disappointing if that's how it ends, but we know that we tried everything, and we are lucky to have our one son from this 10 years of infertility hell.


Friday, 1 August 2014

Day 4 report - taking a turn for the worst

The RE just called and told me that none of the embryos are going to be ready to biopsy tomorrow, they have not developed enough, and only 4 of the 7 are still growing.  First of all, I didn't even know they checked them on day 4.  This is pretty shocking news, considering our donor is 24.  She then said one of them was a morula, but the others were not, and they would have expected them to be morulas by today.  So I am very bummed out.  She said we will not be able to do a fresh PGS transfer, but it would be possible to wait until day 6 and see if any were ready then, and biopsy them and freeze them for a future FET.  That terrifies me, what if we wait until day 6 and then none of them make it?  Our other option is to do a Day 5 or 6 transfer with the best one or two without PGS, and hope for the best.  Having twins scares me, but I also think what if we transfer just one, and then none of them make it to freeze.  What if it doesn't work, then there will be no back ups?  So putting in the best two would give us a better shot, but as I said I am very afraid of twins.  Most twins are born premature, that is scary, and also just everything about twins scares me.  Maybe it would be ok, though. 
I am so upset and angry.  I can't believe this is happening on a donor egg cycle, and especially after all the bullshit with the lawyer and the contract with the donor, etc. that this is just going to fizzle out like this.  It is turning out worse than my own egg IVF at age 38!  In my first cycle I transferred 2 and I had 6 to freeze (mind you, the quality was crap, as I found out later).  In this cycle I only have 4 embryos right now, and 3 of them aren't even close to becoming blastocysts!
I am very, very depressed, I feel like crying!
I also wonder about DH's sperm.  Since we have been trying for 10 years, I am now AMA, but maybe his sperm has been at least equally a problem all this time. 
Plus I guess I have myself to blame for choosing this donor, I should have picked someone else.  I thought she would be ok, but I was wrong.
At least we have Joseph, but holy f**k, what a waste!  We really wanted a sibling for him.  Hope is fading.  I am fearful of tomorrow's report.