Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Moving forward with Donor Eggs

Since our failed cycle at the end of March, we have had a lot to think about.  We do want to try for another baby, and close in age to Joseph, so our best shot with the money we have left is to go down the donor egg road.  It has taken a lot of emotional energy to become ok with this, for many reasons.  One concern is to consider the feelings of the future DE child, since we already have one OE child.  Will he/she feel ok with this?  What will it take to make it ok?  After a lot of thought, the only way I was going to be able to move forward with the whole DE thing is if the donor conceived child would be able to have contact with the donor and have access to whatever information they feel they need or want.  So we started a search for a donor that would be open to contact.  To make a long story short, we found one, after a few false leads.  However, this donor is an unproven donor, so now I am kind of regretting that we have decided to go with her.  But at this point we are committed, unless we are willing to lose our deposit, which I don't think is worth it.  There is no certain reason that it should not work out.  All proven donors were unproven at one time.  But still, I wish we had found a donor that was proven as well as open to contact.  Too late now, oh well.  At first I mainly wanted a donor who looked like me, and this one does to a certain degree, but after a while I focused more on finding someone who was really open to sharing who they were, whether it was similar to me or not.  I was really happy when I found out that this one was willing to meet with me!  But then so disappointed when she cancelled an hour before the meeting.  But then excited and nervous when she arranged a new time to meet...  Then she told me she had the wrong day and she would not be in town until two days later...  OMG?  This flakiness was not sitting well with me, and still makes me wonder about how the cycle will go, if it ever gets started. 

Well, I finally did meet her today, along with her sister, who came with her on her trip into town. (DH was not able to come since he had to work.)  My God, I have never been so nervous about meeting a new person, it was worse than a blind date!  But I brought Joseph along with me, out of necessity since I had no one to watch him, but also it was a blessing to have him as a distraction because he kept the mood light.  He was so good, too, because he just stared at the donor and her sister, both very attractive girls, and just cooed and smiled the whole time we were talking, which was 1.5 hours.  He only got restless when it was about time to go anyway.  They thought he was really cute.  I found out more about her family, herself, and it ends up we studied at the same university (though obviously not at the same time) in the same program, studying languages (even though that was not clear on her original profile).  She has decided to go back to school and go into nursing now, so more years of school ahead and thus probably part of the motivation to donate her eggs, to make a bit of money, though it is not huge.  She is very altruistic as well, obviously, since even with compensation, donating your eggs is no picnic.  I have been through 4 IVF retrievals myself, so I know what is involved. 

So, I'm feeling fairly good that this egg donor cycle may actually happen in the near future, though I will never be certain until the retrieval has actually taken place.  There is nothing for sure about relying on a stranger, no matter how nice they seem when you meet them for an hour, but I WANT to believe that it will all work out.  Maybe the retrieval will happen at the end of July.  I can't imagine it happening sooner, but it could be later.  Or if this donor flakes out, which would be a very annoying possibility, after investing all this time and energy into getting to know her, etc., then I will have to find a new donor and it will be another 3-6 months until the retrieval, as the process has to start over.

I have not shared this with ANY of my friends/family, even one friend who used donor egg and would probably make sense to connect with.  I do plan to share this, but not right now.  I did actually mention to my mom a while back they we may use an egg donor, and got a pretty chilly response, so I have not bothered keeping her up to date with new developments in that regard.  We will do it with her approval or not, and will let her know in the end, but don't really want to hear about whatever her issues are, as we are still grappling with our own at this point, anyway.  Let's just say, if it all works out then we will tell everyone, and if it does not then why does anyone need to know, anyway?  At this point, I don't feel like I owe anyone any explanations or updates about my fertility cycles that I am not ready to give.  Plus, educating my entire circle of friends and family about donor eggs and all the complex issues involved, that they have probably never even considered, is not something I need to add to my plate right now.  One friend in particular has been so persistent in asking me what I'm going to do next, after our cycle in March failed.  I had to tell her to back off and in fact maybe we will just have the one child and I don't want to feel like a failure if that is what ends up happening.  I could not take her constant wishes for my success, hoping and praying, etc. It sounds bad, but I just wanted her to leave me alone and mind her own business!  She just does not get that after almost ten (yes, TEN!-- holy crap) years of TTC and never, ever once getting pregnant naturally, her hoping that it's going to "happen for us" on our own anytime soon is just more than I can freakin' stand.  She totally does not get it, and I don't want to put up with any of her nonsense comments, or correct her, or tell her about our plans at the clinic.  I think she was hurt by this, but now she does not bring it up anymore and it is SO much better!  She can just talk to me about other things and treat me like a normal person.     

In other news, we bought a playhouse for Joseph and set it up at my mom's place by the lake.  It was great... until we were attacked by swarms of mosquitoes and had to RUN inside and hide from them for the rest of the weekend!  Joseph got bitten on his face, and one eyelid swelled up from a bite (I took him to the doctor, but he is ok).  We are back in the city now, safe from the bugs that apparently thrive in the fresh, country air!  Maybe in a few weeks it will be safe to play in the house, once the early season bugginess has subsided!



  1. Congrats on finding a donor. So cool that you got to meet her. We decided (for now) not to meet our donor. But that might change at a later date. Hope everything goes smoothly from here on out and good luck with your cycle.

    1. Thanks! Good luck with your cycle too. Do you have a timeline yet? It is so hard to wait, I feel like the process takes so long. Oh, you may be interested in watching the "Katie Coucic Show" June 11 or 12 (depending on your area) there is a piece about a teenager meeting her egg donor.