Wednesday, 2 April 2014

It's all over

Thank you for the well wishes and sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner.  I only found out the final results at 6:11pm tonight when my doctor called me.  There is nothing to transfer.  Yesterday she told me that the 2 embryos that were not quite ready yet and they were observing before doing the biopsy ended up degenerating before they could test and freeze them.  Then the 2 embryos that they did biopsy on Monday (the 1BB fresh blast from this cycle, and the frozen embryo that had no signal last time they tested it so was going to be thawed and retested) BOTH came back abnormal.  The fresh one was missing a chromosome number 1, and the frozen one was missing a chromosome 16.  Not trisomies, but whatever. 

  I have been sick with worry all day today and already crying because I knew the results must be bad if they hadn't called me yet.  (Since the embryos were biopsied on Monday, the results should have been ready on Tuesday and here we are at Wednesday and the day is ticking on).

 She said at my age I need to have an average of 11 mature eggs retrieved to get one normal one, and I only retrieved 6, so it was not very likely.  For someone under 35 there needs to be 2 or 2.5 eggs retrieved to get one good one.

So my options are to try again, which she is willing to do, but it is a lot of money and low odds.  Or consider donor eggs, and she gave me a few leads on that.

 DH came home right after I hung up from her, and I couldn't even tell him, I just burst into tears, so he knew the answer of our results.  It's surprising that I had been having a calm conversation with the dr. just minutes before, because I couldn't get a word out for a little while.

 I have been so depressed this past week, I just can't continue on like this.  The thought of doing another cycle with my eggs makes me think I will go through this whole scenario again, just in a different month.  The other time when we got the negative (from the 2 "normal" eggs we put in and didn't stick) I think our rationale was that I am still able to produce normal eggs, and we were going to try a different "recipe" of IVF drugs to get better quality eggs.  This time there is nothing new to try, just the same recipe that got me 6 embryos, that degenerated down to one, and zero normal.  I guess it is possible that if we tried again and got 6 more embryos then I would have the "11 mature embryos" needed for a 41-42 year old to statistically get one normal.  If it weren't so friggin expensive I would do it.  But I just think of how much money it is.  Like this cycle I only got 1 that made it to test.  Does it make sense to spend $15,000 on ONE (abnormal!) embryo???????  I say no.  I believe I might have another good egg in there, but it will simply cost too much to get it out.  Like I guess this could fail several more times.  And mostly it is just a gut feeling that if I try it again it will not work, because of the outcome this time.  If the blast had tested normal this time and not stuck at transfer, then I think I would try again, following the same rationale that I was "still capable of producing good eggs".  But I just don't feel it.  My confidence is gone.  I feel really sad about it.  And mad.  I said to my doctor (without directly blaming her, although to be honest I am mad at her too) that maybe I should have made different decisions several years ago, when we were not so aggressive with treatments.  But she said that for many people those IUIs or whatever DO work, and save them thousands of dollars that were not needed.  Plus PGS was not even available at all when I started treatments, and it was extremely new when I did it for Joseph, and things keep improving but that is not really a help to me now. 

 Do you know that yesterday I saw something on the news that there was a leak about our Ontario budget and something about in April they will announce funding of IVFs?  Or something like that.  It just flashed across the screen, and I was like WTF??  Of course they would do this NOW, when I am giving up and too old to probably even qualify.  I have already wasted all of my own money on all those IVFs, most of which did not work, and NOW they are going to fund them?  How am I expected to feel about that?  I'm turning 42 in about 6 weeks.  I just know that if they do fund IVF (which may be just some rumour, sorry to be spreading it if that is the case) there will be an age limit of some sort, and I'm pretty sure 42 year olds need not apply.

 So DH and I had a talk about donor eggs.  He said he is totally fine with it.  However, he contradicts himself because then he said why would anyone need to know about it, and I said, well are we keeping it a secret because if you are fine with it then why would you not tell people.  I mean, not going around telling everybody, but just informing family, etc. so it is not revealed later as some shocking new fact.  He agreed with me.  I guess he hadn't thought much about it. 

 Anyway, that has been my day.  After my big cry and talk with DH, which I'm not sure we are done - we discussed also trying again, and also having Joseph as an only child and not doing any more cycles.  But I think we are leaning towards the donor eggs. -- after my cry I do feel better now, and at least I am not f**g wondering why they aren't calling me.  Can you imagine, she calls me at 6:11pm, I had already given up that they would call today.  I thought it was DH calling me on my cell.  Talk about leaving it to the last minute.  It must have been the absolute last thing on her list of things to do for the day.  Meanwhile, most of the day I was afraid to leave the house in case they called (half the time they call the home number instead of the cell phone).  At 3pm I had had enough and left to go to the library to a singalong for babies.  That was a much needed distraction.  It was very good for me to just focus on Joseph and the other babies, and not be sitting at home getting more and more anxious about WHY AREN'T THEY CALLING ME????

  oh, I left them a phone message AND an email by the middle of the day, and still no response.  It made me think of waiting for that call with Lily's results, the exact same thing happened.  They delayed calling me, and I had to call them to ask what was up, and I still didn't hear from them for hours.  The results were 2 days later than they said, and by then I was so sick with worry I was in a serious panic.  Today brought that all back.  I felt like I was sitting underwater, trying to breathe through a straw, and I had to sit quietly or the straw would slip and I would drown.  This stress affects my breathing and I feel a heaviness in my chest.  I think I need some counseling, seriously.  Anyway, although of course the news is horrible, at least I have some closure, and I actually feel better now.  And luckily I don't have to go through a TFMR this time, which is a whole nightmare in itself.  I just have the letdown of going through a whole IVF with NO TRANSFER.  How anticlimactic.  Like getting all packed and ready for a trip, going to the airport, going through security, getting on the plane, waiting on the runway, waiting some more, waiting, waiting, then getting the announcement to leave the plane, it is not functioning and will not be going anywhere.  I guess that is better than the plane crashing (like a TFMR or miscarriage) but really, talk about a letdown.  It is just depressing.

I never thought I would feel this low after having Joseph.  It is a lot of grief that has been pushed down after the years of infertility and heartbreak and it is still all right there.  I prefer focusing on parenting Joseph and the joy that he brings me, I guess that grief will never go away but I just can't handle how it has gotten a hold on me again this week, from this IVF fiasco.  That is why I don't want to try again with my own eggs.  So the options are: Joseph will be an only child, OR , we will try again with donor eggs.  (Hopefully that will work, my God, can you imagine if I have terrible luck with that too??)  I think I am ok with either of those options, but I will not be getting on this OE (Own Egg) IVF rollercoaster again.


  1. I am so sad for you :( you're right in you're analogy, this isn't the plane crash of pregnancy loss, but it really sucks to lose the potential.

  2. I'm so sad for you. I know what it's like to do two cycles and have nothing to transfer. It's heartbreaking. But I'm glad you have Joseph to comfort you. If you decide to go the donor egg route, I am the thick of researching everything now. I'd be happy to share information (although some of it may not apply in Canada). Hugs.

  3. I'm so sorry this happened. Don't kick yourself while you're down...this is a big deal and you have understandable grief and complicated emotions. Just like having Joseph didn't make you stop missing Lily, having Joseph doesn't make this pain...gratuitous. Thinking of you. xox

  4. I am so sorry. I can't imagine the disappointment. Wishing you the best of luck with donor eggs.