Well, not too much of an update, but I went to the Fertility Centre today, and had my bloodwork redone so we can start the process of trying for a sibling for Joseph. They took 14 vials of blood. However, the reason it is not much of an update is that obviously I don't have the results of any of that yet. Hubby also has to redo his bloodwork (just 3 vials, though) and do a semen analysis again. (He will go in and do that next week. Fun!) In about a month we will return to the clinic and get the results. Hoping for the best! One thing I did find out, from the u/s that I had done today, is that I had a good Antral Follicle Count of 28. The Dr. said that was better than my AFC on the cycle when we had Joseph, and the cycle before that! So that is good news. At least my ovaries haven't shriveled up with no eggs left. Yeah! At age 41 now, I have good reason to be concerned. She said that the AFC was good probably in part from the DHEA I'm taking, and also that after pregnancy the body "resets" itself and can be different hormonally, and things are better. So there, maybe that annoying friend of mine was right about being "more fertile" after having a baby (though I'm still pissed at her that things worked out so easily!!) I am continuing with the DHEA, supplements, Chinese herbs, acupuncture, exercise (occasionally!) and my so-called healthy diet. I was so nervous going in to the clinic today, I could hardly sleep last night. I don't know what is up with that. Just the idea of going back there has got me very agitated. There are a lot of memories, both good and bad, associated with that space. Like I look over and think, that was the chair I sat and cried my eyes out in when I found out there was something wrong with Lily. But in the same chair I remember sitting happily holding my u/s pictures of Joseph, waiting to talk to the doctor. I also feel guilty bringing my baby to the waiting room, because seeing him may be painful for some of the infertile patients that have not had success yet. Maybe they are angrily thinking "why are you here? You already have a baby?" But outwardly, everyone is happy to see Joseph. Today one of the nurses who had given my first injections and taught me how to do them myself came over and was so thrilled to see him. The technician taking my blood was too, which is strange because I don't even know her name, but she remembers me well and was very excited to see my baby. And our doctor was telling her student intern that he was one of her "success stories" and she was happily playing with him and joking around, sticking a suction cup to her forehead and having Joseph pull it off. Also, the embryologist was there for some reason, a Russian man named Valery, and he came over to play with Joseph a few minutes. He was the one who does the biopsies for PGS, so it is amazing to think he was there when Joseph was an embryo in a petri dish, and he somehow very skillfully scraped a few cells off the outer layer of the embryo, without damaging what would become our precious Joseph, and sent those cells off to be tested at another lab. Anyway, there was a lot of fuss with Joseph there, so I felt bad, because I know that not everyone there is having a good day and wants to overhear people crooning over a baby. But maybe others don't mind or don't care. Maybe they think "this will be me next year, when I'm back to visit with my baby". For some people it may bring hope.
Part of me is excited about going back. I want to go in there, have a successful cycle, and be done! But I am scared, because I know I am forgetting about all the pain and heartbreak, all the darkness and the horrible things that can go wrong in the process. I have been struck by lightning before, have I forgotten about that? I should know better than to feel excited and optimistic, the higher those feelings soar the bigger the crash when the treatments fail or the pregnancy is lost. The greater the disbelief. After several failures in a row, I was fearful to even get a little bit excited, I tried to really keep my cool and not care. But it still hurt anyway, so despite myself, even though I told myself I would not get my hopes up, I still did hope. So basically I know that I am really setting myself up for a lot of pain by feeling this way, so optimistic and hopeful... but for now, since I have not started any cycling yet, there is no risk, and my hopes are for further down the road. Surely it can't hurt to have a general kind of hopefulness, can it?
Now I wait another month before going back. Back when I was childless, this would be like torture, because I wanted more than anything to just get pregnant already, NOW!, but now that I have Joseph I don't mind. I'm glad I don't have to bother going in there or worrying about it for a little while, and I know in the meantime I will be very occupied with my little guy.