Thursday, 25 December 2014

11 weeks - SCH getting smaller

We went in to the clinic today of all days.  It was a bit scary considering if there was any bad news, we would then have to contend with the rest of the Christmas family events planned for the day (and we have not told our family about the pregnancy).  But the baby was fine at the u/s, and DH even came in this time, along with Joseph (I'm not sure what he thought of that) to watch.  After seeing the flickering heart I felt relief.  At this early stage, you just don't know what is going on in there!  And even better news, the resting and not lifting has had the desired effect, and the SCH has shrunk to under 3 x 3cm.  Until this point it has been growing each week, so I'm glad that there has been a change in the direction of that development.  Next week is the NT scan.  I asked about the NIPT (non-invasive prenatal testing) and she said that the labs are closed now for the holidays until next week, and then we are doing the NT scan anyway so she said not to do it.  If the NT is abnormal we will proceed from there with further testing, but I hope that that will be ok.  If the NT is fine then the regular quad screening bloodwork will take a few weeks after that... (that will just give the odds, not the diagnosis of problems like the NIPT).  She said the NIPT costs $835 out of pocket, and is covered for those over age 40 but not for donor eggs because the age of the donor is considered.  It "should not be needed" because the odds are low of a problem, but I just don't know how I will feel during the pregnancy if I get an ambiguous result in the screening.  Is $800 that much to worry about after the $1000s I have already spent?  Will I go crazy waiting until the baby is born to know for sure that it is normal, or will I go through the worry of more invasive testing (CVS or amnio) if there is a troubling screening result?  I don't know up until what point the NIPT can be done, but maybe I will bring it up again next week to see what my options are.  I just don't know when I will feel like I can relax, especially if I pass on the NIPT like the RE suggests I should, but maybe not until after the 20 week scan I think. 
We are still not ready to tell people yet.  Maybe in a few more weeks, when the results of the NT and screening bloodwork are in.  I really can't wait to be further along, and hopefully more at ease.

I hope you all are having a Merry Christmas today!  After our morning at the clinic we spent the day watching Joseph play with his new presents, and visiting with family.  And food, lots and lots of food!  We are so thankful that our hearts were not shattered this morning at the u/s.  I know some people are not so lucky, and loss and devastation can happen on any day of the year.  I know how hard Christmas and other holidays are for many families.  We have been through many sad years before Joseph, and feel so lucky to be his happy parents this year, and hopefully a healthy sibling on the way too.
Hugs and best wishes to all of you at this time of year! 

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

4th u/s, sub-chorionic hemmorhage

I went for another u/s yesterday and baby is doing fine at 10w1d.  However, the sub-chorionic hemorrhage is not only still there, but is still getting bigger.  She said last time it would not be a concern unless it was over 4cm, and now it is.  So she wants me to come in next week to check on it again, and has told me to stop lifting and exerting myself.  It's hard, because I need to pick Joseph up every day to get him into the car or the stroller, generally.  I'm really trying to rest more, though, because it is kind of freaking me out that the bleeding won't stop, even though I can't see it, it is pooling in there and this could affect the placenta.  I did my final intralipids yesterday, too.  It was a long morning at the clinic.  I am so tired of that place.  Next week they want us to come in either on Christmas Day or Boxing Day to check on the SCH.  She said if it doesn't get smaller by next week she may put me on complete bed rest, so that is kind of scary.  I still haven't told my family or friends about the pregnancy, which is kind of a bummer.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

3rd u/s

The baby is measuring a little ahead, at 9w1d.  By dates I am 8w5d today.  I have a sub-chorionic hemorrhage that is getting bigger but somewhere around 20mm.  She said it is not a concern unless it is 40mm, but the fact that it is getting bigger, not smaller, is a bit worrisome.  She said to stop the baby aspirin, and to take the Fragmin every other day now, instead of every day.  The baby was moving around and looks something like a gummy bear now.  I still have not said a word to my family and the majority of my friends, so the pregnancy still feels a bit imaginary.  I also feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  My NT scan is not until Dec 29th, so I have to go through Christmas not knowing for sure if everything will be ok.  My RE wants me to go in next week for another scan to check on the SCH, and she said also to do another intralipids.  Damn! I thought I was done with the intralipids.  So I'm going back next Tuesday. 
We got our first OB appointment scheduled for January 8th, so we are looking forward to that.

In other news, I am totally unprepared for Christmas.  We have not got the tree up, no decorations, no cards, hardly any gifts bought.  I need to get organized and start doing some stuff.  We have to get Joseph's picture with Santa, too.  I always feel so much pressure at this time of year.  There are so many expectations for Christmas.  At least now with Joseph it is more fun, because it is a holiday that is centred on children-- which made it so hard for us pre-Joseph, as an infertile couple, the holidays are a real nightmare.   

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Second Ultrasound and Intralipids

Today was my second u/s and it went fine.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the heart beating.  I did not know I had a sub-chorionic hemorrhage, but apparently I did last week too, and it has grown larger.  The RE is not concerned, though.  The heartbeat was 169 this time.  I am 7w5d but am measuring 8w1d, so still a bit ahead.
I had my final intralipids IV this morning.  Last time they had trouble getting the IV in, and stabbed either a nerve or a tendon on my hand, which still hurts-- especially when I use the hand, which is all the time.  So I was not looking forward to today's IV.  She got it in without trouble, though.  I'm a bit concerned that my hand is still painful, but hopefully it will heal.  Looking on google doesn't help, there are people with this type of injury that say that 6 years later it hurts more than ever!  Not exactly what I want to hear.  My RE says she doesn't know, she is not a neurologist so there is no way she can help me with it. 
We still have not told our family or friends about the pregnancy.  We go for another u/s next week, and the RE says if that goes well then the risk of miscarriage drops a lot.
Ok, I only took a half day off work, so I have to get going!!

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

First Ultrasound

The first ultrasound yesterday went fine.  There was one baby, with a heartbeat of 126.  So that was quite a relief.  With my high betas I was worried maybe I had twins, even though I only transferred 1 embryo.  My donor has identical twin sisters, so it has crossed my mind that the risk of having identical twins is probably higher because of that.  I am still worried about the high betas indicating a trisomy, but will not know until week 12.  For now, all is well with the baby. 

I have been feeling down and very anxious about not having contact with the donor.  I called the agency to ask about the questions that I asked that have not yet been answered by the donor, and I had initially asked those before the cycle started, in early October.  Her background is listed as "American", and I wanted to know more detail than that about her family origins.  For example, I know that my dad is of Irish and German background, and my mom is English and French.  I think it's interesting to know this.  They said that the donor is probably busy and I just have to wait, they assured me that the contract I have in place is enough to have future contact if that is what the child wants, and if the agency goes out of business that they will inform me and have a legal form take over the files for safe keeping.  She said the donor had already said that she did not want any email or other contact before the child is 18, so she would not ask her about it, and she does not want to know my name.  I find it a bit sad that she doesn't even know our names.  Our first donor knew us and knew our story of why we needed her help. 

But by a stroke of strange luck, as I was having this phone conversation with the agency that seemed to go nowhere, and breaking into tears at different points as I explained my concerns and questions, one of the staff asked who my donor was, and I said her first name, and as she looked up the file, she said oh yes, and then muttered (to herself, I think) the name of a well-known street in my city, as she was scanning through the file.  The conversation moved on, but after I hung up, I wondered if this name was actually the donor's last name, and a quick internet search, 2 seconds later --poof!--I had the exact same picture of the donor that I had on my profile, with her full name beside it.  The amazing power of the internet.  So I don't know if that was a mistake, I think it was.  The donor had said that she was ok with me knowing her name, so they gave me her first name, but maybe they were supposed to give me both names anyway?  Anyway, whatever, but I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted, since by having her full name I feel that I now have all the information I need if the child wants it, and we will definitely be able to find her if that is what the child wants.  With this information, I don't feel like I am relying on the lawyer or the agency to keep it, (though they are supposed to) and who knows what is going to happen over the next 18 years and if I will even be able to find them at that point.  Both lawyers expressed concern about keeping the donor's information, and refused to be responsible for keeping updated contact information, for example.  This was after paying them thousands of dollars, by the way, and too late in the cycle to find another lawyer.  So that was not so reassuring.  I have some major trust issues with these lawyers, at this point, let's just say.  And the agency I used has only been in operation for a few years, plus in Canada using donor egg is on the verge of being illegal, so who knows if in a few more years it will be outlawed and the agency shut down.  There has already been another Canadian surrogacy/egg donor agency prior to this one that WAS shut down by the authorities in 2011, and I know the people going through a cycle at that time really got screwed.  Who knows what happened to those records.
I realize now I never should have gone ahead with an unknown donor for this cycle.  But to be fair, it does say "semi-known" on her profile, so that is open to interpretation, apparently, by each donor.  My previous donor was listed as "anonymous", but when asked she was actually fine with being known and with meeting us.  So I guess I thought this one would be ok with it too, and am kind of surprised that she is not.  If I were to do it again (which I will most definitely NOT), I would make certain that the donor is known and open to meeting and having contact.  Apparently this is more important to me than I even realized, considering my increasing depression up until this point.
So anyway, I feel like the anonymity bit has been resolved, and I feel like it is all going to be ok now.  I really feel SO, so much better!  I was really depressed and worried sick about this last week, and did know how I was going to get over it.  I can't believe that stress is gone, like that, just by knowing 2 syllables.  I feel like I can let go, it is an amazing feeling!

Now I am just worried that the baby is ok, and won't really know until after the 12 week bloodwork, and the 20 week anatomy scan.  Or really, until the baby is delivered safely.  So I am feeling just the regular pregnancy after TFMR anxiety, which is bad enough, but the donor stuff was just too much on top of that.  Who knows, maybe the donor issues will resurface again, but at least now I just feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle that I need to satisfy my child's curiosity, even if he/she does not get to meet the donor until age 18. I was feeling so horribly guilty about that. 

I know my mother and possibly some other family/friends may have some issues or concerns about the donor bit, and it may be stressful to explain to them about it and answer their awkward questions.  That is less of a concern to me, though.  I will figure out how much and what to say when the time comes.

I still have not told my family or friends (except a few that truly know the WHOLE story from the beginning) about the pregnancy.  I was feeling kind of bad about that.  It was my brother's birthday last week, and it felt wrong to call him and have this whole conversation, and say nothing about the pregnancy.  But that's what I did.  It makes me feel alone and isolated, and makes the pregnancy feel imaginary.  But at least the ultrasound made it feel more real.  There is a little heart beating in there, OMG!  This IS real! 

My EDD is around July 13th, 2015, but the doctor said she may need to revise it next week.  I am actually measuring a few days ahead.  I was supposed to be 6w4d yesterday, but the baby was measuring at 7w.  I hope this doesn't indicate a problem.  The doctor said, oh it's just a really fast growing embryo, I think. 

Our 11 year wedding anniversary is July 17, 2015.  Who knew it would take this long to build our modest family!  I hope we can celebrate the anniversary with our family complete, and two babies in our arms.

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Beta #4

So the number today was 14,806 at 21dp5dt.  The RE does not need me to do any more bloodwork (yeah!) and my first ultrasound will be on November 24th.  Hoping there is a heartbeat in there next Monday!
Aside from feeling really, really tired, not many other symptoms. 
Ok, time to go to bed!!

Friday, 14 November 2014

Beta #3

Today I went for beta #3 at 17dp5dt and the result was 5,662.  So the doctor is really happy with that and said to do another one in 4 days, and to come in for the first ultrasound on November 24th.  I also did my intralipids for the second time today, so I was hooked up to the iv for a few hours (actually fell asleep while getting the transfusion, which was nice since I was so tired).  The donor nurse was at the clinic and came to see me before I got started.  I had not spoken to her in person yet (just by email), and she was taking over from the other donor nurse from the last cycle who is now on leave.  She was SO excited and just hugged me again and again, and was practically crying with joy.  I was so touched, I didn't think she was that invested in this but it was really, really sweet.  And strange because I have been going around with my stressful week at work, and no one even knows that I did a cycle let alone that I'm pregnant, so in a way it doesn't feel real except in my own head.  I asked her about my donor, whom she had met in person.  I asked if she looked like me and what she was like.  The nurse said she has "more body" to her than I do (I guess a nice way of saying she is a bit chunkier) but that she is really, really cute.  She said she is really committed and amazing, she really wants to help and she is a wonderful person.  So I felt so reassured by those words, and my concerns were somewhat alleviated.  I do like the idea that my donor is so altruistic and I guess on some level it is hard to fully understand it.  But it was also great to see the unbridled enthusiasm of this nurse, since I have not felt safe enough myself to get that excited, but seeing her that way made me feel really hopeful and optimistic that this is all going to work out.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Beta #2

My beta today was 1,222.  So that is more than double, and good news!  I don't know why, but I have been feeling so many mixed feelings.  I mean, I'm not sad enough to cry like I know I would if the pregnancy were not going well, but I don't feel as happy as I would have thought.  I feel sadness for my child that they may eventually feel angry about all of this, angry at me!  Can you imagine, this is a tiny embryo and I am imagining a teenager who is totally pissed at me about using a donor.  Or is depressed about it, or whatever.  I feel guilty about being happy to be pregnant.  It is just not a straightforward pregnancy and plus I guess a part of me knows very well what can still go wrong at this very early stage.  Like what am I now, 4 weeks and 3 days?  It's not a sealed deal yet, so I can't feel super happy. But compared to the last cycle, obviously this is looking way better, so I have my hopes way up, let's face it. 

I'm a bit all over the place.  I guess I just want to feel reassurance that everything is going to be ok, and the reality is that there is no way of really knowing.  Like what if, after all this, the baby has some horrible condition that I can't even imagine?  But I also worry about a million and one horrible things that could happen to Joseph, at any time.  It doesn't end with healthy birth, then there is SIDS to worry about, and all sorts of injuries or illnesses.  I am a real worrier so this is horrible, and especially something so unknown like what is going to be the outcome of the donor aspect of the conception.  It seems that all the parents of donor conceived children have very small children.  There is virtually no one on the forums with older kids.  I guess in part because it is fairly new and gaining more popularity now. I just feel a lot of regret that I didn't push harder to have the donor be known, but we were so desperate for a "proven" donor that we didn't want to rule her out because she had done 3 unknown cycles already, but with the "promise" of becoming known later.  Now I feel so anxious about the possibility that she will either back out of that promise (which she is entitled to do) or simply not be reachable despite our efforts to keep track.  What will this mean for the child.  Do you think I worry too much?

Meanwhile, just to make my problems seem petty, my poor friend just found out this week that her step mom was admitted to hospital for a lung issue, and now all of a sudden she is on life support!  They put her into an induced coma and hope after 5-7 days she will come out of it ok.  My friend is completely freaked out and in shock because her step mom was totally healthy and fine up until this past week.  Then she had mild symptoms of fatigue, and finally decided to go to the hospital, where they ran tests and found out her lungs were a total mess with nodules and scar tissue all over the place.  She has arthritis, so they think it is related.  She does not even smoke or anything!  I feel so terrible for her.  I don't even know what to say!
After losing my dad suddenly I can certainly understand the shock of having your parent totally fine one minute and then all of a sudden they are gone.  And before I knew he was actually gone, I felt that bargaining/ negotiating that you do...  "if only he'll be ok, I promise to ....(whatever)"  But I feel so angry that my prayers went unanswered.  He was not ok, and it was very hard to accept. 

Well, the week from hell is underway.  Tomorrow is the Remembrance Day Assembly, which I am overseeing and which I think will be fine....  I don't think it will be the best one ever, but whatever.  Then the District Review and a "team" meeting regarding a special needs student in my class.  Sending home all the reports, then all the interviews.  I actually changed all my reports and raised the grades!  I had second thoughts about being too hard after only 2 months of Grade 1!  So now everyone is "progressing well".  I will deal with the inconsistency of having the second report say otherwise when the time comes.  It is still so early, and seriously, one minute this one girl could not read a single word from the frequent words list, and then later I heard her read a few words.  And I thought she couldn't count, but then I got her to count today.  So it is so hard to know what is going on with these kids.  I just can't stamp them with a grade yet, and I don't want to discourage and depress them with a bad mark right now.  I was a little tougher about the "learning skills" part.  That's what the first report is supposed to focus on anyway.  Some of them need to work on lots of those learning skills.  (Independent work, organization, responsibility, collaboration with others, self regulation, and one other, I can't remember). 

Oh, I forgot to even mention I was in a fender bender this morning!  Fortunately I was in DH's truck because he switched cars with me so he could take my car in to get snow tires.  Some girl rear-ended me when I was sitting at a red light.  I didn't realize what had happened and I thought my car engine had just exploded!  There was a boom and the car jerked forward.  I was actually relieved to find out it was a car that hit me, because I thought the motor was toast!  The car that hit me had the front smashed in (the grill, and the light), while the truck just had a tiny dent in the bumper, with some paint chips from her car on it.   I am SO thankful I wasn't in my little Honda Fit, or it would not have worked out like that.  The car that hit me was a Mercedes, to top it off!   The girl driving it looked young, so maybe it was her dad's car.  Anyway, this was on my way to work, so I was glad that it was not really major and after 5 minutes of looking at the damage we were back on our way to work, slightly shaken up but not injured at all.  Her car was still fine to drive, but I'm sure it will cost a lot to fix.  Ours, of course, we will do nothing to since it was just a dent in the bumper, to add to the others.

My next beta is in 3-4 days, so probably Friday.  I'm supposed to do the intralipids again too, that horrible iv that makes you feel like you have the flu afterwards.  And I already feel like I'm coming down with something. 

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Beta #1

Beta #1 was 486.  We did it on Friday, so that is 11dp5dt.  The second beta is tomorrow.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Getting darker!

The line is getting darker.  It is now very dark, so no doubt I'll get a positive beta tomorrow.  I hope it doubles well.  Here is a picture!

Monday, 3 November 2014


The line was a bit darker this morning.  It's still pretty light, but there is definitely a line there.  Hoping for a darker one tomorrow!

Sunday, 2 November 2014


This morning I did a test, although terrified it may be stark white and would be left to contemplate that for the day... but I did see a shadow of a line on the test!  I wouldn't say it's a BFP but it looks promising!

Thursday, 30 October 2014


I got a call from the clinic that I have 4 frozen embryos, so one more made it to blast on Day 6.  I don't know what the quality is, but at least they were all good enough to freeze, so that is something.  I took yesterday off from work and rested at home.  I also worked on my report cards and got a whole lot done, so it worked out really well.  I don't think I would be able to have them done on time if I didn't have that time yesterday to work on them. 
I don't feel many symptoms.  My RE has suggested that I alternate PIO (Progesterone in Oil) injections and progesterone suppositories, so I am a little concerned that my body will not register a continuous supply of progesterone coming from different sources.  I hope it doesn't mess up the cycle. 
Other than that, I am supposed to avoid heavy lifting, and I have had to lift Joseph on a couple of occasions, so I hope that is not a problem. 
I feel a lot more relaxed this time, but I wouldn't say I feel very confident it worked, even though the odds are a lot better.  I realized that this is my 6th IVF transfer, and the 10th embryo transferred, and I only have one living child... thus the cynicism.  Imagine if IVF worked 100% of the time - I'd have 4 sets of twins and 2 singletons already!  lol

Things are winding up for Halloween.  We tried on Joseph's costumes, and he was not too pleased with them.  As soon as you go towards him with the costume, he runs away and says "No!  No!..."  Hmmm....   But he did like when we put some furry monster hats on our heads, that amused him a great deal!  We bought a knight costume for him, and a few days later DH's mom showed up with a costume she found in storage from our nephew (who is now 13!  I can't believe they kept this costume from when he was 2) so now he has two to wear this year, apparently.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Transfer Day!

We did the transfer and all went well!  I rested all afternoon and when I first came home actually I think Rogers (our service provider) was down because we had no internet, home phone, or tv!  So I just lay on the couch doing nothing!  It was good. 
So out of the 10 embryos there were 4 doing well and 3 more under observation.  We transferred the best one, which was given a 10/10 score on the embryoscope, and a 1AB rating (different from some other scales because the RE said 1AA is the best rating.  Our last transfer with the other donor, the "good" embryo was a 4BB, which I thought was good but I guess with this scale it is not.)  Of the other embryos, there was one that had 7/10 in the embryoscope rating, 2 that were 4/10, and 3 more that they were going to continue observing so I guess they were still morulas or something.  So basically we had one excellent one, that we transferred, one good one, 2 mediocre ones, and 3 other poor ones (but still alive).  So I feel a LOT better about this transfer, knowing that there are 3 frozen and possibly up to 3 others to be frozen too, if they make it tomorrow.  Obviously our best chance is for the one that was transferred, so I hope this one is it.
DH told me when we got home that while I was having my acupuncture done after the transfer, they asked him to pay to freeze them embryos, so he did.  But I checked my receipts and sure enough, they had already charged us for that and we had paid $800 for embryo freezing on October 2 when we paid for the IVF fees.  So sneaky of them to ask him about it, and what is wrong with them that they don't even know that it is part of the initial bill, and then they charge again on the day of the transfer?  So of COURSE we get referred back to that idiot in the business office, who must do an "audit" of our whole file now.  I can't even get pissed about this, this is my clinic's game that they play and I just told DH, you deal with this and just tell me that it is taken care of.  I don't want to hear about it.  So he is doing that.  But isn't it stupid that they charge us twice, and then instead of just saying oh yes, this is a mistake, they make it into this big "audit" BS, and then when you eventually get your money back, they make it seem like they are doing you a huge favour, like as if they are giving you a big rebate that you don't deserve.  That clinic is just terrible, it never ends! 

 Anyway, I have been trying to not think about any of that and just stay positive.  I feel tired and also my report cards are due in ONE WEEK so I am a bit worried about that (I have not started!).  I didn't work on them today but I think tomorrow I will (I took tomorrow off as well, to rest after the transfer), because all I have is the weekend and then they are due, so I may as well use my day off tomorrow to catch up on that. 

 It was such a nice day today, I switched back to my light jacket.  Unfortunately it rained a bit later in the afternoon when I took Joseph to the park, but it was only a light rain.  We had the park to ourselves since everyone else was scared off I guess.  Joseph loves looking at the Halloween decorations people have put out in front of their houses.  On the way to the park he became mesmerized by this one place that had skulls with lit up eyes and creepy music coming out of it.  We also have 2 books about pumpkins at home and he loves them, he is really starting to understand about Halloween. 

 So DH's sister called today and she wants us to go to dinner on Halloween at 5:30.  This is going to be difficult, making it there after work, and also because we wanted to fit in a very short trick or treating with Joseph before bed time and I don't know if we are going to get back in time.  Plus it is madness to be driving around during Halloween, when all the kids are walking all over the place, and that is when we will be driving home.  But it is her son's birthday, he is now 13, and she is concerned that he doesn't have any close friends and wants to have a family birthday party with a turkey dinner.  So we will go just so he can have a nice birthday, but really what a bummer that his birthday is on Halloween!  We wanted to just do a family dinner on Saturday for him, but he insists on getting together on his actual birthday. 
I wonder what to get him for his birthday also.  As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I have to get a present, by Friday.  What do 13 year old boys like?

I digress...  So I'm feeling a lot better about this transfer.  Just the fact that they froze 3 embryos (even though they charged us twice for that) makes it seem less desperate than last time when it was all or nothing.  Of course, our best chance is with the one that we transferred, because it had the best rating, so if it doesn't work the chances are a lot lower for a FET.  But there is still that possibility, so it makes all the difference.  Plus I only transferred 1 this time, so none of that "oh no I might have twins" stress.  Not that I wouldn't love twins, but just concerned about the complications that may happen. 
My lining was 12mm today, which is down from 14.5mm when it was last measured, but 12mm is just right so I am happy about that.  I did the acupuncture this time, and aside the billing fiasco, there were no incidents.  So I hope this little top quality embryo will do what it is supposed to do and make itself at home in its new environment.  Stick and grow, embie!!  STICK AND GROW!!!  PLEASE!!!  :-)

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Day 3 report

I got a message from the clinic today that of my 10 fertilized eggs, I still have 10 embryos growing and doing really well, so a HUGE relief.  We are going to do a Day 5 transfer on Tuesday.  Last time I also had 10 fertilize, but had only 7 by Day 3, and on Day 5 there were only 2, the others all having arrested.  So I am praying that it does not go downhill like last time.  Most of the embryos stopped on Day 4, so I feel nervous.  Day 4 is tomorrow.  This cycle was a real stretch for us financially, also, but we really wanted to give it one more try with a different donor, after our disappointment last time. 

Friday, 24 October 2014

Fertilization Report

Of the 18 eggs, 13 were mature and 10 fertilized.  I hope they make it to day 5!!!  Nervously waiting for the day 2/3 instructions.  We are having an Embryoscope done instead of PGS, so that will give a time lapse image of the embryos' development that the embryologist can use to see the speed that the embryos develop.  It does not tell you how many chromosomes, but it is also a lot less expensive.  Hopefully the Embryoscope will be useful in selecting the best embryo for transfer, either on day 3 or 5.  DH joked that he wants to keep the DVD of this, and they said actually they do offer it for $50!  Lol.  Well, if it works, then we will buy the DVD.

Thursday, 23 October 2014


The retrieval finally happened!  I know I said it would be mid-October or something like that, but things kept getting pushed back, plus my donor is a really slow stimmer so went 14 days before trigger.  I have been very anxious the past few days.  Yesterday morning when I woke up, I felt so awful I actually threw up, and this is just from bad nerves.  I don't know how I am going to get through the next few weeks.  The good news is that everything went fine for the retrieval, and they got 18 eggs from our donor.  (They weren't going to tell me, but I requested that they let me know).  Is our baby in there somewhere, I hope?  They will let me know the fertilization report tomorrow.  I hope that goes well.  Last time I had 17 eggs and then at the end it was a failure, so I hope this time, with a different donor, the eggs are better quality and it all goes ok, right up to day 5.  So far so good, though!

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

21 months

Joseph is 21 months already.  He is talking more, which is very exciting.  He says 2 word "sentences", and has an ever expanding vocabulary.  He loves repeating after you, and loves songs with actions, that he also repeats.  He is saying more French words now too, since he is at a French daycare.  He's finally adjusted to being at daycare, and although he is not fully thrilled with it, he usually has a good day there and I am relieved to see him running around, laughing, when I go to pick him up now, unlike the first days where he was just standing on his own with puffy eyes from crying all day. 
We went to the a farm on the weekend.  Here are a few pictures!

Friday, 3 October 2014

Donor started stims

I think my donor has started stims.  The money was due, and they said the retrieval/ transfer is the week of Oct 13, so I draw that conclusion.  Obviously they are not concerned with keeping me up to date.  Why would I want to know such details?  Seriously. 
I have a new donor nurse and she is not very generous with information. 
So anyway, I guess the good news is that the torture will not be dragged out for months, the cycle is starting and the results either good or bad, will be in sooner than later.   I just hope that everything aligns right this time. 



Thursday, 25 September 2014

New Donor

We are starting the process over yet again, hopefully for the last time and with a baby at the end of it.  We have a donor with better stats, but I am still pretty nervous about the cycle.  She gave her first name and more information about herself, but she will still be anonymous until the child reaches 18.  That's fine with me, but I just want to make sure we can get in touch with her at 18.  I think I will have to accept that it is going to be a gamble.  She has signed the consent for the clinic to release her identity and contact information at that time.  Do I trust that the clinic will do this?  Not really.  I hate that clinic, they are heartless and I wouldn't put it past them to screw me and my child over in this matter, especially 18 years down the road.  Plus, even if they give the information, what if she doesn't keep her contact information updated and we aren't able to get in touch?  And who are the 3+ other half-siblings, are we ever going to be able to find them?  On the Donor Sibling Registry there is nothing listed for this donor, but we know that 3 couples from this city have children (2 already born and one is one the way) with her eggs.  There may be more after me, too, there is no way of knowing that.  Will they register later?  Who knows.  And if she has her own kids later, those would be half siblings as well.  We will not know until after the child is 18, presuming the cycle works.  Well, we have decided to move forward despite these doubts. 

I don't know the timeline for the cycle yet, but maybe around October/November. I'm going to go in to see my doctor this weekend.  I already started the birth control pill last week, on cycle day 2.  However, my doctor wasn't in, so I got them from the other RE. 

One thing that concerns me a bit about my donor is that when I asked her about her childhood, she explained that her family moved every few years.  Is it weird that she was born in Michigan, her family moved to Washington State, then to Colorado, then to upstate New York, then completed high school at a boarding school on the Vancouver Island?  After that she moved to Calgary to follow a guy, then Toronto to follow a different guy, then Eastern BC for the summer, and now back near Toronto.  It seems that her parents moved for work a lot.   Plus I think it is strange that the person at the agency told me she grew up in Australia.  Is she thinking of a different donor, or what would be the reason that she would say that?  It is very confusing.  Maybe the donor went on a trip to Australia and the lady thought she lived there? 

This donor looks a bit like me, in terms of facial characteristics, but her colouring is different.  She has brown hair and mine is blond, she has blue eyes and mine are hazel.  She also seems to have a lot freckles, and I don't have any on my face, just a few on my arms and shoulders from the sun.  But overall I would say that she looks like someone that could be in my family, despite these differences.  My family is pretty diverse, in a Caucasian kind of way.  I have first cousins with blue eyes and brown hair just like her.  My brother has brown hair and my mother has blue eyes, so it doesn't bother me that much.  Plus DH has hazel eyes and dark hair, so I doubt that the child is going to have blue eyes because his brown/hazel will probably be dominant.  She sent a childhood picture and she had lighter hair as a child, just like Joseph has.  We are pretty close in height, too, since she is 5'6" and I am 5'7".  She said that she is studying Mechanical Engineering, but frankly after reading about her family on the move, I just wonder about that.  I consider it a possibility that she might be making that part up.  I just have a feeling that parts of her story are too good to be true and this is one of them.  She said she has older identical twin sisters and one of them is a biochemist and the other is a translator (English-Chinese) for Nintendo, and they live together in an apartment in Seattle.  Unusual.  Is this donor a really creative story inventor/ liar??  I don't know.

I still haven't erased the pictures and information of the previous donor from my computer.  Like as if there is a chance I might still need it.  Do I think the clinic is going to call and say, oh we made a mistake, actually all those embryos didn't die and they are right here in the freezer ready to transfer!  Ha!

Work is terrible, but I am getting used to it.  I made it through Curriculum Night, where I had to give a presentation to the parents.  That was very nerve wracking, but I feel kind of exhilarated that I got through it.  Joseph is doing better at daycare, though he has been bitten twice.  The first time they didn't even tell me, we just saw the little teeth marks and had to ask about it.  He got bitten on the leg (??) and the arm.  Today I was talking to another mom there who is my friend but we haven't crossed paths picking up our kids at the same time until today (she gets out of work almost an hour before me, lucky b**ch!)  She said her daughter got bitten too, on the face!  Who is this little piranha in there, biting everyone?  (They won't say who the biter is, but they did say that there are two of them and they are girls).  Poor Joseph.  He seems happy enough now, though, and he sings some of the songs from daycare and does the hand actions.  It is a French daycare, so he is learning more French words.  He is eating a few more things now, too.  I think seeing the other kids eat has made him want to try more new foods. 

Sportball is over now, so we signed him up for swimming lessons on Saturdays.  Our weekends are very precious now that our week is a scramble of work, daycare, and chores. 

Joseph all cozy in a towel after Toddler Fit swim class is over.

Trying out some different foods for dinner!



20 months old



Sunday, 7 September 2014

Thank G*d August is over

First of all, thank you all for your kind and heartfelt comments about my failed cycle/ chemical pregnancy last month.  You guys are so sweet, and thank you for caring.

I found the month of August to be nothing but stress, disappointment, anger, and sadness.  It was the failure of my most recent donor egg cycle and the anniversary of my loss of Lily in August 2011.  August should have been great, with beautiful weather, my last bit of time off with Joseph, the donor cycle that was supposed to be the answer to my prayers......... but in the end it just sucked!  Plus gearing up to go back to work.  Blech!  What a way to spend the last few weeks with my toddler before handing him over to daycare.  I could hardly enjoy this precious time with him, with so much crap going on in the background.  Now that it is September, the dreaded month of September, it is strangely calm and I actually feel better than August, which was full of promise and then fell completely apart. 

I still have not written to my donor, and she has not written to me.  Maybe she already knows the results?  I just haven't felt up to writing to her, but I do want to say thanks for trying, etc. and that I appreciate her, but farewell forever.  Maybe I don't even want to acknowledge what happened.  I just don't want to believe it.

I got an appointment with my doctor right away to discuss what happened.  I have become something of a VIP fertility loser at this clinic, so they fit me in the next day, even though their schedule is rammed.  She discussed how it was very surprising that the results were so poor, etc.  The donor stimmed really quickly and was ready to trigger on Day 8, which is unheard of, so she waited until day 9 to do it, which is still early.  Most of her donors trigger around day 11.  So she thinks the eggs were not good quality because they grew too fast, and she had no explanation for the fast growth.  She wondered aloud if the donor took her meds properly, there is no way to really know, but I think it would make more sense if she had understimulated that she would not have taken it properly (ie., it fell on the floor/ spilled, or she forgot to take it) but to have too many meds isn't really possible, unless they gave her too many, which would be the doctor's fault.  Maybe she took a double dose by mistake the first day and then had none the following day?  Anyway, she said that since she is borderline PCOS it would be expected that she would stim more slowly.  PCOS patients usually have many follicles but they grow too slowly, so she doesn't exactly fit that profile.  She started talking about how she would do it differently with this donor, and I stopped her and said forget it, we are done with her and would not be crazy enough to try again with the same dud of a donor.  We suggested another donor that we found in the agency database, who had cycled 3 times successfully at our clinic, and so our RE was quick to get a hold of those files and analyze the new donor, to see if she would be a good choice for a second try.  I was impressed that by the next day she actually had looked up all the files, and was able to tell us that there were 2 live births and 1 pregnancy underway from this donor, she had 20, 24, and 20 eggs retrieved each time and 5-7 blasts each time.  The pregnancies were all from the first transfer and they had several to freeze.  So much better stats.  We hope it will work for us too, and she won't have a bad cycle.  I'm a bit concerned that our doctor said her AMH is sky high and that indicates PCOS, so she would want to put the donor on Metformin for a while before cycling.  I asked if she was on Metformin for the other cycles, and she was not, so I am worried that my doctor is not following the recipe that worked.  Why would you want to mess with that? 

She also had me do the HSG test again, to make sure my tubes were clear (and they are), plus a sonohysterogram to check the uterus (it is fine).  Plus an abdominal u/s, and that was fine.  They saw that my fibroid, which is on the outside of the uterus anyway, so of no real importance, has shrunk down to almost nothing.  And there are no new fibroids (my mom had lots of big ones and it was a real problem for her) so that is good news.  So she is happy that there is no abnormalities of the uterus to blame for the failed cycle.  DH's sperm stats were all fine, good count, morphology, the motility is not great, but we used ICSI.  DNA frag was fine last time it was checked.  She blames the failure squarely on the donor's eggs, so hopefully using a new donor will be enough to have a much better result.  She also said we could throw in some immunology stuff, which may not be necessary, but wouldn't hurt.  Like intralipids or something else I can't quite remember now.  Will have to find my notes that I took.   

Joseph has not been having a good time at his new daycare, as we expected, he does not like spending the day with strangers in a strange place he has never been.  Why would he?  I think I would be more concerned if he were fine with it and didn't mind being abandoned.  My husband takes him in the morning, and the first few days he stayed a good long time, to try to get him used to the place before leaving to go to work.  When he went to leave, of course the tears came.  We sent my mother in law to pick him up early, so he is only spending half days there so far.  When I come home from work, he is totally fine, playing with her, so I am somewhat sheltered from the reality of how upset he is each day, but I believe it is real.  So hopefully he will adjust, and it doesn't help that we have enforced some habits that are not compatible to the daycare, like he still drinks milk in a bottle and they don't like that, and he won't just lay down and have a nap without being cuddled first.  So at least by Friday the daycare worker broke down and cuddled him to sleep so he could get his nap in.  He is a bit of a mess, overtired, not really eating, nervous every time you leave the room that you are going to disappear for 6 hours.  Now it's the weekend, so all is well, but on Monday it will start up again. 

Going back to work has been so tiring.  I feel like a zombie and I can barely think straight.  There are just so many details that I can't even get to them all and I feel like I am really doing the bare minimum and flying by the seat of my pants.  I have been teaching for 17 years, how can I feel this way?  My G*d, I feel like a first year teacher.  Luckily, the staff I work with are amazing and so, so nice.  They are into sharing, so I have benefitted from that, and the Grade 1 teachers have been working as a team, which is really nice.  I have to make sure I contribute some good ideas, so we can keep this going and I won't feel like a mooch from the other teachers!

Joseph is now 20 months old.  He is talking more each day, and aside from the trauma of going to daycare (I hope it doesn't change him permanently) he is a great little guy, and usually so happy and social.  We went on a trip to Centre Island (5 minute ferry ride away) on the long weekend before going back to school.  Here are some photos!

On the ferry ride over

At the splash pad

His first real ice cream (he stole mine)

On the pier - Lake Ontario

Playing in the gardens - chasing butterflies and running down the paths

The air show passing overhead

Watering plants at the Franklin Children's Garden
At "Far Enough Farm"

The pony ride was a big thumbs down.  Joseph loves sitting on statues/ rocking horses/ toy cars & tricycles, but strangely hated being on a real pony!  Will try again next year.

Pooped on the ferry back, after a day of fun!

View from the ferry - city skyline

a passing boat

Our ferry

My stuffy classroom, where I now spend my days

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Beta #2

The beta came back as 20.  So that is the end of my cycle.  We are really devastated, and also very pissed.  How can a donor cycle go like this?  If it were my own eggs, I could understand it, but this is really f**ng unbelievable. 
I have to go in for more betas so they can follow me down to zero, before I can "conceive again".  With no frozen embryos, and my own eggs all being no good, I really don't see how there will be anything to follow this.  What do they mean by "conceive again"?
I will see what my RE has to say about this whenever I get to have a meeting with her.  Who knows when that will be.
I don't even know what to say to my donor.  Am I supposed to email her and tell her what happened? 
I feel angry with her, maybe she didn't take her meds properly or she did something that F-ed up the cycle.  Or maybe she's just a 24 year old infertile, am I the one who is supposed to inform her of this?  I don't even know what to say.  Am I still supposed to be grateful for her sharing this amazing gift?  The gift of sucking up all my finances dedicated to this last attempt, and now I am left to scrape together money that we don't even have to try again on someone who is actually fertile and could actually help us?  Yes, I guess I am an angry, ungrateful b**ch but that is how I am feeling right now.  I feel like knocking my RE's and donor's heads together.  I was depending on them and I feel like they really let me down.  I don't even know if I trust my RE to do another cycle.  Maybe I should change to someone else, or change clinics.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Beta #1

The results today were 67.  So I am disappointed that it wasn't higher and feel scared that the end is near.  I am praying that it doubles by Saturday, otherwise I don't know what I will do! 

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Faint line

I have been getting really faint lines on HPTs the last few days and I fear it is not enough for a viable pregnancy.  But I guess I am pregnant, so hooray for that.  I will enjoy it while it lasts.  
This week has been so horribly stressful, I can't even begin to explain it.  We have been going through this horrible decision about which of two mediocre daycares to send him to, and feeling terrible about either choice we finally just had to pick one.  I'm overwhelmed with the thought of going back to work, teaching Grade 1 (a new grade for me), in a new room, and unpacking all my stuff from storage.  My whole life is going to change in a few weeks.  And sadly, I think another WTF appointment is in my future as well, and no new baby to look forward to.  Just more decisions, crap.  I hate making decisions.  Do we try again?  What do we do differently?  Do we stop?  How will we come to acceptance?  My anxiety has been very high and I can barely eat, I feel so sick with worry and too much problem solving.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

19 months

Joseph is now 19 months old!  I love him so much, and dread leaving him at daycare starting in just over a week.  He does so much now, and his personality is really coming out!  He is very inquisitive and playful, so full of smiles and joy.  I really hope going to daycare doesn't shake him up too much.  Needless to say, with this 2 week wait, daycare starting, and soon returning to work, I have been a mess.  I have been feeling really low, and scared that I will continue to feel this way.  I am worried that this cycle likely hasn't worked, and maybe Joseph is going to be an only child.  I'm not sure what to do with those thoughts.  I am trying to just focus on the joys of the moment.  And Joseph brings me so much joy! 

Monday, 4 August 2014

Nothing to freeze

The clinic called this morning, one day late, to tell me that my remaining embryo that they were observing did not make it, so there is nothing to freeze.  So the 2 blasts that were transferred were it.  At least now I feel like I probably did make the right decision to transfer both of them.  What are the chances that they are both going to make it, since the other 8 arrested.  They probably would have arrested too, if left in the petri dish another day, to wait for the day 6 PGS results. 

In fact, I really feel like nothing is going on and I have lost them both already.  I feel sad about this.  Maybe all the stress I have been experiencing killed them.  Also, I have had to lift up Joseph to change him and put him in the stroller, and I'm not supposed to be lifting anything, maybe this had a negative impact. 

I know I said before that I was scared about twins and a BFN may be a relief, that is totally not true, I fear having a BFN and that would in fact be the worst outcome.  As I have thought more about it, I obviously would prefer a singleton, but if I had twins, I would embrace the chaos.  A BFN would be sad. 

We went through all this, and the struggle to become ok with donor eggs, and find a donor who would be willing to be open, and then to end up with nothing is a huge let down.  If it doesn't work, we are not trying again.  Even DH agrees, and he is the one who wanted 3 kids!  We have spent too much on this, emotionally and financially, and this just can't go on. 

We have been working for 10 years to have our family, and so whatever the results of this cycle are, that is what our family is going to be.  I hope there is another baby to join us, but if it is a bust, well that is the way the cookie crumbled.  It sucks.  But many people have only 1 child.  We can think of a number of friends who just had one, for whatever reason.  Having a sibling is really nice, but it is not the only thing in life that brings a fulfilling and happy life. 

We hope for a sibling for Joseph, we really tried for one.  Hopefully this cycle works with our 2 "great" blasts.  At least being childless is not one of the possible outcomes, that is truly the worst and we are so glad that we are not facing that right now.  My beta is on Aug. 14th.  It's going to be a long wait!

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Feeling terrified

I have been feeling really horrible since the transfer.  Basically once I left the clinic and was out on the street I have felt such incredible regret for putting in 2 embryos.  I am so scared that we will have twins and a toddler, the more I think about it, the more I realize this totally doesn't work for the way we are living right now.  We don't have room for 2 cribs/ 2 beds in our spare room because it is so small.  Both our cars are too small for 3 car seats.  I can't figure out how I'm going to supervise 3 of them when we go on any outing.  What if they all start crying at once?  OMG I am so freaked out, what was I thinking, putting in two??? 
I am angry with my RE, I feel like she rushed me and I didn't have time to process the new information, that the 2 best embryos were not that crappy after all, they were actually really, really good, despite the fact that the other 8 did so poorly.  Only 3 were any good at all by day 5, so that is pretty crappy from 10 fertilizing.  So now, too late, I am thinking that I should have transferred one and frozen the other one.  WTF is wrong with me, why didn't I speak up?  I didn't even think of it because she told me they were much better than earlier evaluated literally 5 seconds before she did the transfer.  Then afterwards she says well, this is an even greater chance for twins! 
I am so scared of my life being turned upside down.  Moving to a new house, I have no idea where because the housing market here is brutal and overpriced.  That is the only thing that was keeping us afloat is that our little house is paid off, and now if we have to move we will have to take on a $300k-$400 mortgage to upgrade our house size anywhere in this area where we live.  I don't even know who would buy our house, it is expensive and also not very practical for many people.  We make it work, but there is only one bathroom, and our kitchen is outdated and doesn't even have a dishwasher, we just do our dishes by hand.  How can I hand wash dishes with 3 kids?  The house is small with hardly any storage space.  We have to just keep throwing things out to keep it tidy.  Who else would put up with this?  It is near a great park, that we love, and good schools.  We want to stay here, in our little house, but if we have twins how could we stay? 
If I had twins (plus Joseph) I would need help.  Like probably a nanny.  How can we afford that?  This is just crazy, I am so upset that at this point I think I would rather have a BFN than get the news that we are having twins.  Why did I put two in?  I am so mad at myself and I feel so stupid.  I feel a cold and prickly feeling, I can't sleep and have barely been able to eat today. 
DH says maybe we can think of solutions.  Like we could switch bedrooms and give the twins the master bedroom and we could take the smaller room that would not fit their beds.  Or put all three kids in the master room, us in the middle room, and the nanny in Joseph's old room.  Or we could move.  He said we don't even know if we are having twins now, so it could be worry for nothing.  He said we will find a way to make it work, it is going to be ok.  We will solve problems as they come up, we don't have to figure out everything right now.  And that no one has died, this is not the worst problem to have.  Lots of people have 3 kids close in age and they are fine. 
I wish I could just feel relaxed and at peace with my decision, but I feel a constant panic.  Like I'm walking along, then suddenly falling off a cliff and I'm hanging on to some tree branch for dear life, and just dangling there for hours and hours.  Then eventually I feel better and I'm back on solid ground for a few hours, but then something will set me off, I will think of some other problem and I'm dangling in the void again.  I am so tired, but I hold all this tension in my body, to hang on to that branch and not fall into the abyss. 
I feel shivery and cold right now, and it is not even that cold in my house.  It is my nerves that is making me feel like this.  I feel like this is a bad dream.  Even more so because this whole donor egg cycle has been kept between DH and myself, and I have not said a word to my family, DH's family, my friends, etc.  So when I talk to those people I can't even share this inner turmoil and grief over my decision and my fear for what will become of our life and our finances because of it.  I tell them that I'm nervous about going back to work, which I also am.  I am a teacher and have been off for 1.5 years, and now I'm going back next month, teaching a new grade.  I am not ready at all and the room is not set up.  How am I supposed to move boxes and furniture around when I'm not even supposed to lift anything?  And I feel guilty about sending Joseph to daycare, he has no idea right now that this is what is in store.  He has never been there before, it will be scary and weird for him to be left there all day with strangers when normally I am always with him.  He will wonder what he did wrong to be left like that.  Maybe he will think he is lost and I'm never coming back.  I will be so distracted with work and if I am pregnant I will be exhausted.  He is going to freak out!  What if his personality changes and he becomes an insecure, angry, whiny, nervous child instead of the happy, secure, adorable little guy that he is now?  Plus, we don't even have a spot in the daycare for sure, we will have to check on Tuesday.  If no spot is available then my MIL will have to come watch him until a spot opens up! 
I feel like I was enjoying life, and then I transferred 2 embryos and my life turned to total shit.  And it may be permanently this way.  How am I going to be able to leave the house with 3 babies?  What if they all start screaming at the same time?  How am I going to breastfeed twins and also watch a toddler?  How can I afford all this extra childcare?  OMG I feel sick.  I don't know what to do to feel better. 

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Transfer- one day early

I went for my transfer today.  The news was slightly better this morning about the embryos.  Yesterday I had one morula and all the others going slowly, this morning there was one blast, one early blast, and one morula.  All the others were going more slowly or had arrested.  So the RE said we could actually do the PGS biopsy on the 3 embryos and then do a day 6 transfer tomorrow. 

However, I thought it was not worth it to test just 3 embryos, and also I was afraid that some or all of the 3 would arrest by tomorrow, so I opted for a transfer today with the best 2 non-tested embryos.  When I went in for the transfer I found out the two blasts were doing even better than just a few hours before, the "good" one was actually fully hatched, and the "bad" one has turned into a beautiful looking blast.  So we put them in, and I was happy that they had taken a turn for the better, BUT not long afterwards I started feeling really regretful that I hadn't thought to just put in the hatched blast and freeze the second beautiful blast for another transfer.  I go back and forth between being ok with twins to being scared, so all of a sudden I felt a wave of panic and I swear if I could have taken one of those embryos back out, I would have!!!  But of course it is too late now, so I just hope it will all work out ok. 

There was the one morula remaining that they will observe and freeze tomorrow if it turns into a blast.  I still am in total shock that out of 17 eggs retrieved I only got 2 blasts and only one maybe embryo to freeze.  I was hoping for a lot more.  Plus I am bummed that the PGS did not work out and I have transferred untested embryos, which scares me.  I feel calmer now, though.  Earlier today I was so upset I could barely eat, my stomach was in a knot.  My mind raced with so many worries, and now I am just exhausted.  DH says that maybe also it is like too many people trying to go through a doorway and get stuck, my many worries have compacted and just can't get through anymore.  I figure I may as well wait for whatever really happens than to worry about millions of hypothetical situations (and believe me I can't even list here the many things that could go wrong that I worry about).  Hopefully I will sleep better tonight, last night I was up thinking about what was happening to my embryos and wondering what the morning would bring.  Now I have 2 embies transferred so nothing to do but wait and see. 

If this cycle fails, hopefully there will be that one embie frozen, if it makes it tomorrow.  But if not, then I think that is it for me, I don't think we can afford or want to fork out the money for another cycle to get a sibling for Joseph.  I'm wondering if I will be able to accept that, if that is the outcome.  We really wanted a sibling for him, but after this cycle we will have spent $100k in all on fertility treatments, and I think that is our limit.  Very disappointing if that's how it ends, but we know that we tried everything, and we are lucky to have our one son from this 10 years of infertility hell.