Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Jealousy

Seriously, I have no right to feel jealous of anyone since I have my beautiful baby, which is more than many people could hope for.  However, yesterday it hit me like a punch in the face.  My friend called, (she has a son born one week after my son), and half way through our conversation told me that she was pregnant.  That's not all: It was a total surprise, they were not trying at all, she is still breastfeeding (!!) - her child is 10 months old-, plus she mentioned that she has only had sex twice in the last 4 months.  Although she has been getting her period, (I have not, by the way) she has not been keeping track of her cycles and has no idea when this possible conception happened, but one day she just thought, hmm... it has been a while since I had my period, I think I'll do a pregnancy test.  And VOILA: pregnant.  Did I mention that she is 43?  We both had our babies by IVF, so this is an extra special miracle.  I am very happy for her, it is wonderful that it is possible to get pregnant naturally after an IVF and at an advanced maternal age.  It gives HOPE that anyone can really get pregnant!  BUT,... a part of me is also very pissed!  I guess I forgot that people can and do usually get pregnant in this way, but it just made me upset that I have never been able to conceive naturally and experience that joy and excitement.  Imagine getting pregnant after having sex twice, instead of going through a hellish gauntlet of needles and doctor appointments, and procedures that fail.  She has a frozen embryo, and now she is excited that she will never have to use it.  She is due in July and her family will be complete.  Holy crap!  I just feel like for me it will be such a HUGE struggle, and very expensive, to MAYBE have a second child, which I want so much, and here she is gleefully telling me about how she is already passed the finish line, while I am not even at the starting line yet (I have not even had my period yet since giving birth, for goodness sakes!).  I just can't believe it.  And you would think that she would be a little more cautious, especially because of her age.  She is 7 weeks along now...  anything could happen.  After my experience, I would not be so sure of myself at 7 weeks...  Maybe I am jealous of her attitude as well.  It is an ugly feeling, but I am just being honest.  For whatever reason, this whole situation just made me feel BAD.  In an irrational way, I felt like since she had conceived easily that for me it will never happen.  Why would this be so?  It is TOTALLY irrational of me to think this.  Just because she is having a baby, it does not mean that I won't have one!  Why am I so crazy??  Of course I told her I'm so happy for her, which I am.  It is her dream come true.  It will be amazing if I also get pregnant in a few months and then we can have both babies close in age.  Or even if they are not close in age, it does not matter...  Having another child at any time would be AMAZING.  There is no rush (except for my age!!)  But even if I never have another child, with Joseph, I already have my prayers answered to be a MOTHER.  It is an amazing miracle.  It would only be better with a sibling for Joseph.  But if I don't have one, I will still consider myself so blessed and lucky to have one child.  I think what annoys me is that she had ZERO struggle to have this second child.  After more than 8 years of infertility I just can't wrap my head around that.  It makes me mad that she didn't even so much as do timed intercourse, it was just completely random, and she told me this so PROUDLY.  Like "look at me, I wasn't even trying AT ALL, and I just got pregnant, tee hee!"  Meanwhile, I am also VERY afraid that she is going to miscarry.  It happens.  It especially happens to 43 year olds.  Anyway, just thought I would share these nasty feelings and this is the only place I can vent this.  DH's opinion is that we should be happy for them, it has nothing to do with our situation, case closed.  Of course he is right, and that makes complete sense.

Perhaps a part of this nastiness is that we have been very close since our sons are basically the same age, and we visit each other a lot.  I feel like now we will not have much in common since she will be excited about her pregnancy from now on, and I will be just wondering if I will ever get pregnant.  Also, she wants to know all about my upcoming IVF, to be supportive, of course, but I don't really want to share the details with her, since it is just so incredibly stressful.  I just want to be left alone to do things in my own time.  Like I need time to wean my current baby off of BFing...  and here she is, not even having done that and she obviously didn't need to.  For me, everything is harder.  I will need to prepare my body, take a few months of DHEA and CoQ10, acupuncture, no BFing, dragging my baby and husband into the clinic, etc.  It kind of pisses me off that she doesn't have to do any of that.

On a separate note, my friend/ former friend who never got back to me after I told her all about my IVF with PGS experience... well, she finally did just get back to me.  She wrote a brief message that she is going to do an IVF retrieval this Friday, and will have the embryos tested.  I really hope she finally does get pregnant, because she really has been through a lot, with multiple miscarriages, and she has gone through a whole adoption work up, and now she is back doing fertility treatments.  Perhaps I deem her more "deserving" of a pregnancy, after all that.

I think my issue with my pregnant friend is coming from my IF history, it just irks me when people get pregnant "by accident" because for many of us it is just so friggin' HARD.  Of course, we think, "why her, why couldn't it be me?"  I would love to have a happy accident too, but it just NEVER happens.  Bleh!

Ok, that felt good to get out.  I know this all doesn't make total sense since I have a child already.  I guess I have struggled with IF for much longer than I have been a mommy, so those feelings resurface quickly.  I'm sorry if I come across as ungrateful for what I have.  I wish I could be happier about my friend, and maybe I will be after I get over feeling upset about my own uncertain situation.  I have a lot of worries about my plans to do IVF:  like it will be a huge waste of money, it won't work, I will have stopped BFing my child for nothing, wasted money I could have spent on my current child for a child that doesn't even exist yet, I will feel foolish and will have regretted trying it after it didn't work.  I just hope my IVF works, because if it doesn't I'm not sure of my plan of action.  Waste more money on another IVF?  Go for donor eggs?  (at a huge expense)  What if the donor eggs don't work?  Or if it does work, do I tell others about using donor eggs?  I would want to keep that private, but on the other hand how will I get through something like that without some support from friends?  So many questions...  I wish I could know what is going to happen, now.  Thank you for listening!



Sunday, 10 November 2013

10 months

Well, somehow I missed writing about 8 months and 9 months.  Time passes so quickly!  Joseph has been doing great and is now standing with support, and cruising around.  He also crawls around with ease now. 

He currently has a cold that has been lingering for over a week, which has been a bit troubling, but it is just a virus and needs to run its course.  We went on vacation and took Joseph to the doctor for a fever while there, and got it under control with a Tylenol suppository (he kept spitting out the liquid Tylenol we tried to give him).  He now has some pink bumps on his face and feet, so we are going to go to the doctor again to check on that.  I've been breastfeeding him often and I think he needs it with his sickness, so I've put off my plans to wean him.  I would like to wean him, though, so I can start back with fertility treatments.  I never thought it would be such an issue to stop breastfeeding, but Joseph is quite a fan of breastmilk, and I can't imagine soothing him without nursing him. 

Our vacation was in the Dominican Republic, and aside from Joseph being sick, it was a good trip.  Most of the time he was fine, after we got the fever down.  He has not had much of an appetite for solids, though.  Just lots of breastfeeding, which was fine with me. 

He had his first Hallowe'en also.  We had a little pumpkin costume for him, and also my friend got him a Batman shirt, so he had 2 costumes for the night.  We handed out candy, and then the next day we went on our trip. 

I've decided to extend my leave until September.  I went in and told my VP, and she was fine with it, but said to hand in my official papers later, so she can hire someone she has in mind.  Apparently if I hand in my notice too early it goes through a different process and it will be out of her hands who to hire.  The lady currently in for me can't stay on past January, unfortunately. 

I love how my life has changed since Joseph came along.  I am so much more social now than I was before, and I have made new friends with moms that have babies around the same age.  It has been ages since I made a new friend!  People just get set in their groups of friends, but with a new baby there is a window that opens up socially and people are looking to make connections.  I have made an effort to nurture the new mommy friendships I have made, and to meet up once a month or so with each one, to keep things going.  It is a huge contrast to the loneliness I felt during my infertility battle and grieving and loss time, which seems to have gone on forever.  It is just amazing how much better I feel these days. 

I have a friend who suffers from post-partum depression, and she goes to a support group for it.  I know it must be hard for her, and I feel bad that I can't really understand how she feels.  I understand how it feels to be really low, depressed, grieving, etc. but that is just not how I feel right now (thank goodness).  I find that I don't know what to say to her to lift her spirits.  I wish I knew what might be helpful for her, but I guess the best thing for her is to go to that support group and talk to others going through the same thing. 

On a similar vein, I have a friend, or perhaps I should say former friend, who has suffered losses and is now going through fertility treatments (IVF), and I know she struggles with me having a child now, while she is still waiting.  I really don't know what to say to her, and I know after being in her shoes it is just hard to face friends with babies when you are grieving your own babies and going through IF.  To be honest, she was never that close a friend, but we were brought together by facing a loss at the exact same time.  Inevitably, one of us would move out of that dark place before the other and in this case it was me, because I had Joseph.  I hope that she will also find her way out of that dark room that is IF.  But for now we are on opposite sides of a wall, it is unfortunate but I know trying to reach out to her will just be painful for her now, or at best will make her angry.  I just wait and hope for her, and offer her any help if she asks.  She did ask me some details about my IVF with PGS- what it was, why I did it, etc. so I told her.  I haven't heard from her since, so I'm not sure what that means.  But I heard that she is planning to do an IVF, and I know when I was going through it I wanted to keep it mostly to myself, because it was so stressful to have others waiting on your happy or disappointing news, I would rather just keep them in the dark until I felt ready to share.

Pretty soon Joseph will be 1!  I am looking forward to the next few months and watching Joseph develop and grow even more.  He makes sounds like "Ma-ma-mah", and other babbles.  He so desperately wants to walk.  His first steps will be an exciting time for us and for him.  He is so thrilled with standing and he is able to let go and stand on his own for 10-15 seconds. 

Here are some pictures!