Wednesday, 15 May 2013

4 months - Mother's Day

 

 


My little Joseph is 4 months old now (on May 6th), and I still find myself not fully believing that he is really here!  (I know, that is ridiculous.)  When will this feeling of disbelief go away, I'm not sure.  The long wait to get him has really made it a different experience than probably most people, I think.  Now that we have a better camera, I am taking so many pictures of him, to treasure for years to come.  If I were to give any advice at all to new expecting moms, it is get a great camera and use it from day 1.  We got a digital SLR with a very good lens, to replace our point and shoot that did not do well in low light (indoors) and with a moving subject (like a wiggly baby).  I am so annoyed that we had a pretty bad camera for the first few months.  It only takes good pictures outside in bright daylight, which is not where we were in January!  Many of the newborn indoor shots were all blurry, and obviously you can't go back and get more pictures of those days. 
I don't even know what to write these days.  There is really nothing to complain about, with my life now.  This blog used to be about working through my pain and frustration, now things are calm and I guess rather boring.  I have a mild fear that something bad will happen to our baby, like I will drop him or a car will hit the stroller, or he will not wake up from his sleep.  I keep checking that he is breathing every time he sleeps.  But I wouldn't say that it is a major fear that has a grip on me.  I just hope I will not be the "one" that these terrible, rare things happen to.  After my previous bad luck, I just hope that my luck will be better from now on. 
Mother's Day used to be such a painful holiday for me.  I used to just hate it, and each year it got worse.  Would I ever be a mother?  This holiday just threw it up in my face that I was missing out on the greatest goal that I had in my life, to be a mother.  Everyone else is out celebrating what came naturally for them, and all I could do was cry.  So after so many years of bitterness, I still can't say that I embrace this holiday as I should.  I celebrated very quietly this year, and without much fuss.  DH got me flowers and a card, we visited my mom and his mom, and watched the hockey game.

Next week is my birthday.  I will be 41 years old, ugh!!  I'm actually celebrating this year, with a barbecue.  Last year, turning 40 was too depressing for me to even invite anyone over.  Although it was a milestone, I just wanted to slither under a rock.  The baby was on the way, but I was terrified something bad would happen... and what if it happened on my birthday?  That would be the worst.  And why wouldn't it?  I got my BFN from my 3rd IVF on Valentine's Day.  Holidays are not sacred or safe.  What if I miscarried my baby on my 40th birthday, and all my friends were coming over that day?  I could not invite anyone over.  It was too early in the pregnancy, I was too nervous.  This year is actually better, although I am older, totally ancient now, I at least have my little baby with me.  Most of my friends have school age children now, but that is besides the point.  I am on my way to "catching up" with the life that I wanted for myself, that nearly slipped away from me.  I am thankful every single day, and as I said at the beginning of the post, I still feel like it is a dream and I'm afraid to wake up and find out the baby is not really here.

I keep thinking about how to complete my fantasy of having a "normal" family, and having a second child.  Dare I wish for so much happiness?  Can an infertile person like me have a second child at 41 years old???  I wonder if I will have to use donor eggs for the second child, and how I will feel about that.  I wonder how my infertile friends who have not had their first child, and may never have one, will feel about me trying and/or succeeding at having a second child.  Am I crazy for even wanting this? 

If all I have is Joseph, I will still be so incredibly happy.  He is amazing and there are not even words to describe how great it is that he is here.  It would be nice for HIM to have a sibling, I think.  I grew up with a much older brother (10 years older) and that was almost like being an only child.  I felt kind of lonely and wished I had a sibling closer in age.  Now that we are older, age does not matter as much (though there is still quite a generation gap, we grew up in different times) but I am glad that I have a sibling at all.  It would be nice for Joseph, or any child for that matter, to have at least one sibling. 

Ok, I just went to check his breathing again (he is asleep).  He looks so corpse-like when he is sleeping, it is scary!  That is all that I have to complain about.  When he is awake and alert, he could not be more alive.  He is adorable and just a pure delight.  I love him so much!

So I guess, this was my best Mother's Day, though I didn't get into it that much.  I like just every regular non-holiday day with baby just as much!  I wonder what Christmas will be like this year.  As an infertile, childless person, that was just the worst!!  It is hard for those feelings to just switch off, and to start loving all the things that used to make me so sad.  I still feel sad for others, too, so I can't imagine that I will ever really love these holidays.  But I have to admit, it is really a LOT better now, with Joseph.  Thank you, baby!