Saturday, 21 December 2013

11 months - Weaned

There have been a number of changes lately, and the biggest one is that I have fully weaned Joseph.  Also, he is sleeping in his own room, in his crib, and mostly sleeps through the night now.  We have introduced whole milk and formula (well, I have been trying to get him to take formula for a while, without much interest on his part).  I went to the doctor at 11 months and he reassured me that even though his weight is in the lower percentiles (he is 19 pounds 7 oz... and 2 months ago he was 19 1/2 pounds, so about the same weight!) he is doing well developmentally, is active and happy, so he is not concerned.  He says Joseph is a slim, "athletic" baby (his words) who has lost his baby fat from his increased activity, and as for weaning off breast milk, he said just to go straight to whole milk and skip formula, and just to give him more table foods.  Well, that was reassuring, since he would not take any formula anyway.  However, I really feel like he is not eating enough table food (he refuses a lot), so like magic one day he suddenly decided formula was ok and drank some.  He does not take a lot, but at least he is getting a bit more nutrients until I can get him to eat more real food.  He drinks about 2 - 6 oz. 4 times a day.  So I feel kind of sad that I am no longer breastfeeding him, since it was going so well and it instantly soothed him.  But we are sticking to our plan of returning to fertility treatments, and our RE said we had to stop BFing before doing anything.  I am very nervous about going back to the clinic and that whole world of fertility treatments.  I want so badly to have a sibling for Joseph, but I am afraid to even have hope, because it makes the disappointment hurt so much.  I don't even know what our chances exactly are, but IVF usually has a 30% chance, so that is already pretty crappy, and with my age it would probably be even worse, although we plan to do PGS.  What if we end up with no healthy embryos at all?  I am scared of that possibility.  I hate rolling the dice when it means probably wasting tens of thousands of dollars, hours of our time, and the pain of all those needles and blood draws, plus having weaned my baby for this possibility.  What if it doesn't work, and I have then weaned Joseph early essentially for nothing?  Plus, I have basically extended my leave from work to focus on these fertility treatments.  I have a sick feeling that it will all be for nothing, and I will return to work not pregnant, just poorer from having extended the leave.  It just sucks, I hate that we can't have a natural pregnancy like most people.  So now that he is weaned, we should go to the clinic right away, but since it is almost Christmas I'm not sure if the doctor will be on holiday.  We are supposed to go during cycle monitoring in the morning, so we can drop in any day and talk to her for a few minutes (probably wait an hour or more for that privilege). 
Meanwhile, my friend who got pregnant while breastfeeding her 9 month old, continues to progress and it just boggles my mind.  I just can't even compute how to fall pregnant in that way, with me I have to plot months and weeks ahead, with a minimal chance of success.  Even though I stopped breastfeeding completely a few weeks ago, I STILL don't have my period yet...  I can't even get to bat, and she has hit herself a home run and made it look easy.  It makes me feel like such a loser.  She keeps saying idiotic things too, like "oh, you never know, it could happen to you too!  Apparently you are super fertile after having a baby"  and I'm like, yeah, I have not had my period once yet.  Anyway, she kind of irks me, though she is a very nice person.  Also, she has a very keen interest in knowing about my bullshit IVF journey.  She keeps asking me if I've gone to the clinic yet, am I going to start acupuncture, when am I going to do a cycle, etc.  I just don't want to share my 10 million step journey to get pregnant with her, especially since her journey was super short.  Step one, get pregnant, done! I just feel on some irrational level that it is bad luck to discuss and share with her, just like telling people your wish and then it won't come true.  Of course it will not matter if I share with her or not, in terms of our outcome, but I just hate "reporting" to people (in real life) about my fertility outcomes, especially when it is a failure or a setback. (and it usually is)  It's bad enough when your IVF doesn't work, and then you have to call up 20 people and tell them each the news?  No thanks.
Joseph is doing great, aside from me worrying that he doesn't eat everything I offer him.  He mainly likes bread and other carbs the best.  Fruits and veggies, not so much.  He likes yogourt, usually.  He is a fussy guy, but he certainly pees and poops a lot, so I know he is eating more than I think he is.  And he has a lot of energy to scoot around.  He crawls fast and cruises (walks while holding furniture).  I love him to bits!  His smile lifts me up like nothing else can.  What a miracle he is!
We took him to see Santa.  We are looking forward to his first Christmas (I can't believe last year he wasn't even here yet!) and his first birthday is in January.  We have not planned his party yet, I am stressing about that.  We will do something simple anyway.  Happy 11 months, Joseph!