Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Jealousy

Seriously, I have no right to feel jealous of anyone since I have my beautiful baby, which is more than many people could hope for.  However, yesterday it hit me like a punch in the face.  My friend called, (she has a son born one week after my son), and half way through our conversation told me that she was pregnant.  That's not all: It was a total surprise, they were not trying at all, she is still breastfeeding (!!) - her child is 10 months old-, plus she mentioned that she has only had sex twice in the last 4 months.  Although she has been getting her period, (I have not, by the way) she has not been keeping track of her cycles and has no idea when this possible conception happened, but one day she just thought, hmm... it has been a while since I had my period, I think I'll do a pregnancy test.  And VOILA: pregnant.  Did I mention that she is 43?  We both had our babies by IVF, so this is an extra special miracle.  I am very happy for her, it is wonderful that it is possible to get pregnant naturally after an IVF and at an advanced maternal age.  It gives HOPE that anyone can really get pregnant!  BUT,... a part of me is also very pissed!  I guess I forgot that people can and do usually get pregnant in this way, but it just made me upset that I have never been able to conceive naturally and experience that joy and excitement.  Imagine getting pregnant after having sex twice, instead of going through a hellish gauntlet of needles and doctor appointments, and procedures that fail.  She has a frozen embryo, and now she is excited that she will never have to use it.  She is due in July and her family will be complete.  Holy crap!  I just feel like for me it will be such a HUGE struggle, and very expensive, to MAYBE have a second child, which I want so much, and here she is gleefully telling me about how she is already passed the finish line, while I am not even at the starting line yet (I have not even had my period yet since giving birth, for goodness sakes!).  I just can't believe it.  And you would think that she would be a little more cautious, especially because of her age.  She is 7 weeks along now...  anything could happen.  After my experience, I would not be so sure of myself at 7 weeks...  Maybe I am jealous of her attitude as well.  It is an ugly feeling, but I am just being honest.  For whatever reason, this whole situation just made me feel BAD.  In an irrational way, I felt like since she had conceived easily that for me it will never happen.  Why would this be so?  It is TOTALLY irrational of me to think this.  Just because she is having a baby, it does not mean that I won't have one!  Why am I so crazy??  Of course I told her I'm so happy for her, which I am.  It is her dream come true.  It will be amazing if I also get pregnant in a few months and then we can have both babies close in age.  Or even if they are not close in age, it does not matter...  Having another child at any time would be AMAZING.  There is no rush (except for my age!!)  But even if I never have another child, with Joseph, I already have my prayers answered to be a MOTHER.  It is an amazing miracle.  It would only be better with a sibling for Joseph.  But if I don't have one, I will still consider myself so blessed and lucky to have one child.  I think what annoys me is that she had ZERO struggle to have this second child.  After more than 8 years of infertility I just can't wrap my head around that.  It makes me mad that she didn't even so much as do timed intercourse, it was just completely random, and she told me this so PROUDLY.  Like "look at me, I wasn't even trying AT ALL, and I just got pregnant, tee hee!"  Meanwhile, I am also VERY afraid that she is going to miscarry.  It happens.  It especially happens to 43 year olds.  Anyway, just thought I would share these nasty feelings and this is the only place I can vent this.  DH's opinion is that we should be happy for them, it has nothing to do with our situation, case closed.  Of course he is right, and that makes complete sense.

Perhaps a part of this nastiness is that we have been very close since our sons are basically the same age, and we visit each other a lot.  I feel like now we will not have much in common since she will be excited about her pregnancy from now on, and I will be just wondering if I will ever get pregnant.  Also, she wants to know all about my upcoming IVF, to be supportive, of course, but I don't really want to share the details with her, since it is just so incredibly stressful.  I just want to be left alone to do things in my own time.  Like I need time to wean my current baby off of BFing...  and here she is, not even having done that and she obviously didn't need to.  For me, everything is harder.  I will need to prepare my body, take a few months of DHEA and CoQ10, acupuncture, no BFing, dragging my baby and husband into the clinic, etc.  It kind of pisses me off that she doesn't have to do any of that.

On a separate note, my friend/ former friend who never got back to me after I told her all about my IVF with PGS experience... well, she finally did just get back to me.  She wrote a brief message that she is going to do an IVF retrieval this Friday, and will have the embryos tested.  I really hope she finally does get pregnant, because she really has been through a lot, with multiple miscarriages, and she has gone through a whole adoption work up, and now she is back doing fertility treatments.  Perhaps I deem her more "deserving" of a pregnancy, after all that.

I think my issue with my pregnant friend is coming from my IF history, it just irks me when people get pregnant "by accident" because for many of us it is just so friggin' HARD.  Of course, we think, "why her, why couldn't it be me?"  I would love to have a happy accident too, but it just NEVER happens.  Bleh!

Ok, that felt good to get out.  I know this all doesn't make total sense since I have a child already.  I guess I have struggled with IF for much longer than I have been a mommy, so those feelings resurface quickly.  I'm sorry if I come across as ungrateful for what I have.  I wish I could be happier about my friend, and maybe I will be after I get over feeling upset about my own uncertain situation.  I have a lot of worries about my plans to do IVF:  like it will be a huge waste of money, it won't work, I will have stopped BFing my child for nothing, wasted money I could have spent on my current child for a child that doesn't even exist yet, I will feel foolish and will have regretted trying it after it didn't work.  I just hope my IVF works, because if it doesn't I'm not sure of my plan of action.  Waste more money on another IVF?  Go for donor eggs?  (at a huge expense)  What if the donor eggs don't work?  Or if it does work, do I tell others about using donor eggs?  I would want to keep that private, but on the other hand how will I get through something like that without some support from friends?  So many questions...  I wish I could know what is going to happen, now.  Thank you for listening!



2 comments:

  1. I totally get it.

    I think the worst part is that not many people do. So you end up looking like this ruminating, negative, green-eyed monster, but it must be part of human nature. Because ALL the loss moms say this too.

    I didn't have IF but I had a loss at 25 weeks pregnant. I have my little guy now (Oct. 2012), but I am still so f'ing jealous! Of pregnant women, of people with 4+ kids (why do they keep having them?? And why don't any of them die?), of women whose kids are close in age. Also of a woman whose kids are not close in age. Um.

    I am still breastfeeding, still not menstruating, and still obsessed with getting pregnant. I think I am pregnant all the time. I have the same thoughts as to why wean your baby for the next (possible) baby? Oh yeah, I am also jealous of women who get pregnant when they are not having their period. I am still hoping I will be one of them.

    I will draw the line at being jealous of someone who only had sex twice in four months, though. I mean, just think of it that way. ;)

    It does seem ugly...I am starting to think about getting myself out of the comparison trap. I am not sure how, but if I have any light bulb moments I will be sure to share! Sounds like you are on the right track, enjoying your precious time with Joseph. Peace, love and light...

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. It is so nice that at least one other person understands these feelings! YES, what is it with these women who have so many kids, no problems with any of them,... I get those jealous feelings... ugh! I just can NOT help it. Yes, avoiding comparing is really the key. I forgot to mention this same friend started out her conversation by saying her 10 month old son is already walking and running now (my son just crawls), he has 4 teeth (Joseph has 2), eats his solids like a champ (Joseph is a bit fussy at times and won't always eat) and sleeps straight through the night from 8pm to 7am without waking up (Joseph wakes up several times, and demands to be breastfed or he cries like the devil). So I was already pretty pissed about how she was carrying on and on about her son's awesomeness, when she then told me that she was pregnant. All of a sudden I thought, I don't think I really want to hang around her anymore! Aside from being pregnant (lucky b*tch!), she is just very competitive with her son's accomplishments, and seems to be bragging more and more. I don't want to feel like my son has to "keep up" with her son. Maybe I'm overreacting because of one conversation, but this put my mood into a serious tailspin! Yes, focus on my sweet, amazing Joseph... forget about the jealousy. Hopefully, I will get pregnant soon. It will happen, it will just take a bit longer to have my next baby. I'm hoping within the next year... And Joseph is developing normally, so I shouldn't worry about comparisons from other annoying moms! I am so lucky to have a healthy, normal baby, Thank God! I just need to keep remembering that.
      Hugs to you! And hoping you also have your next baby soon! xoxo

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