Monday, 17 December 2012

Waiting for baby - 37 weeks

I am now at 37 weeks and a few days...  At the last check with the OB, at 36 weeks, the baby had turned from breech back to head down, so hopefully he stays like that.  I started to go to weekly acupuncture, and this is supposed to help "ripen" the cervix.  We met with our doula last week, too.  She will help with the birth, and maybe a bit of post-partum care too (ie., helping with breastfeeding, etc)  It is hard to believe that the baby could arrive any time now.  I really just don't believe it.  I am not ready.  I don't have my hospital bag packed yet, and I do need to get that done.  I just don't believe I will really need it, but I have to snap out of this mindset.  Friday was my last day at work and I am still trying to unwind from that whirlwind of trying to tie up a million loose ends.  I even went in today at 7:30 am to do a few more things, before everyone got to work, because over the weekend I remembered a few things that I had forgotten.  I also called the teacher at lunch time to go through a few more forgotten details-  I had not taken down the work of a student who is moving, so I asked her to do that and put it in an envelope to mail to him.  To top it off, tomorrow is our strike day, and although I am on leave, the union has phoned me and I am supposed to go and drop off coffee and donuts if possible, to the picketers.  So I really feel like I am still at work, at least for a few more days. 
I need to make a list of things to do, because I don't have much direction...  pack that bag, keep on with the reorganizing at home.  We changed our spare room into a nursery, nearly complete, and we need to change our "office" into a spare room.  This sounds simple, but the office is an open area that used to be a bedroom, but the previous owners took down one wall because it was such a small bedroom.  So it works very well as an office/ sitting area, but as a bedroom it doesn't make much sense since it has no privacy.  We are going to get a daybed from IKEA (which, although very compact, just barely fits in the space) and see how that looks. 
I have a few added stresses that are pretty dumb, but still weighing on my mind.  My mother decided to "treat" us to a show instead of buying Christmas gifts this year.  I told her I don't think I would like to go to a show, since I will be at the point when I will go into labour at any moment, and it will probably be uncomfortable sitting for hours when I am 38+ weeks pregnant.  She went ahead and bought the tickets anyway.  And it is a "black light show" put on by mentally challenged people.  I am just confused about her motivation for doing this.  I did not say anything to her, but I'm thinking this is obviously going to be a trigger for me and DH, since we TERMINATED a DS pregnancy last year!!!!!!  Did she forget???  Is this some way of her showing us that we made a mistake, and look at these happy DS people putting on a show.  Obviously I have nothing against DS people and I am glad they are putting on a show and doing things in the community, but I can just picture myself sitting there, feeling like shit, thinking of my little daughter Lily- maybe she could have been one of the actors if I had chosen to keep her... WHY would my mother think this is a great gift..... and not give us any gifts after that, to top it off?????   Especially with a new baby on the way, there are lots of things she could buy since we are not set up to have a baby here.  She does not seem to have much interest in the new baby, I don't know why.   I have not even told DH about these feelings, but I just wanted to vent here.  I don't get what my mother is doing, and is she just clueless, or does she think I have no feelings, or simply need to be educated about DS people or something....  Maybe she just innocently thinks it's a nice idea for a present, but I see it as a kind of inconsiderate choice, especially since I said I didn't really want to go to any show since I am so pregnant and not comfortable with sitting.  What is her f***g problem????   For her present should I take her to a show about a woman whose husband was killed in a motorcycle accident (that is how my father died)?  Would that not be f***g rude????
Also, this will sound dumb, but I have a pushy hairdresser who has been doing a great job on my hair, but the last two times I went she kind of screwed up... she coloured it too dark the first time and I had to go back and get it lightened a bit because it was just depressing me that she killed all of my highlights, then last time she chopped my bangs way too short.  So now I have an appointment to go back, which I tried to cancel and I told her I'll just come in January after the baby.  She would NOT take no for an answer, and said no, I would not want to come after the baby was here and I will feel so much better to just get it done now, and she will book me for next week instead.  So now I have to cancel again, and admit to her that my hair is too short and I want it to grow in.  I don't know how to tell her this without her knowing that I don't like how she did my hair.  I just don't want to hurt her feelings since she is trying to be a friend to me and has invited me to her family Christmas party, and to brunch, etc.  It is just awkward. 
Contrasting to these "problems" is the shocking news of the school shooting in Connecticut.  I don't even have words for that... I can't imagine what those parents are going through, the crushing grief and shock, the senselessness of it all.  Why do these things happen?  It makes me so angry that there are "gun enthusiasts" who think it is fine to have guns for recreational use...  I will never agree that this is ok.  I have never even held a gun, so I don't get how people can "love" guns.  And why is there not more support for mentally ill people, it is scary how these deinstitutionalised sick people are wandering the streets.  My mom's friend has a son who is bipolar and violent.  She was distraught the other day when I went to drop something off for her, because her son, who is off his meds, had threatened to kill his friend/ roomate with an axe, because he thought he was stealing from him (he was not).  So she called the police on him, and had him admitted against his will to the hospital, once again, in the middle of the night.  They will keep him there a few weeks, medicate him, then release him again.  It drives her crazy that this will not stop until something terrible happens, and he will probably end up in jail.  She is horrified that she can't control him and he won't take his meds, and he is more and more violent (he is in his 40s).  No one can do anything about it, and why not????  This is just wrong.  Since we HAVE medications and counselling available, this should be systematically given and not have dangerous people choosing to not take it, at the risk of the public.  I could be wrong, but obviously this man who did this horrific act of senseless violence was someone who was very sick, dangerous, and there should have been some intervention before it got to the point that he snapped like that.  Surely there were warning signs, and escalating behaviours.  We need to take responsibility for these people in our society, and it should not just be a family member trying to control them, because this is just too much for one person to take on.  My mom's friend was crying to me, saying "I have no support.... I can't look after my bipolar son and also my husband (who has dementia)...."  They don't listen to her, but she is responsible for them.  How is this fair??
I can't imagine how sad it is for the parents, who have to go on without their little children.  They probably have all the Christmas gifts under the tree, ready for them...  What are they going to do with those now?  How can they celebrate?  This is just the most cruel act....  There is just no understanding it, and it scares me that we live in a world where this can happen.