Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Third Ultrasound

Today was another ultrasound and the baby is measuring 8 weeks 4 days.  That's still one day behind, but at least that has been consistent each week so far.  The heart is beating strong, the u/s technician assured me.  I think it's at 162, that's what I think I saw on my chart.  Today the doctor said "oh, your sub-chorionic hemmorhage is getting smaller, so that's good".  I was like WTH?  She never mentioned it last time!  But I guess it's good that I wasn't worried about it and it is shrinking now.  I had one last time also and it wasn't a problem in the end, it went away on its own.  My thyroid medication has been increased since my TSH is 3.8 and she wants it under 2.5.  I'm still on the baby aspirin, the Estrace (2mg), and the progesterone (200mg 3x a day).  I think the progesterone is making me so tired, but maybe I would be anyway. 
I can't wait for the first trimester to be over, I feel tired, worried, iritable, hungry and nauseated at the same time.  And I'm very afraid of the NT scan, which she has booked in 3 weeks.  I can't believe I have to go through that again.  I feel like I'm sailing on the Titanic right now, not sure if I should be enjoying the awesome facilities and settling in, or scanning the horizon desperately for signs of icebergs, or worrying about the ones that are out of sight currently but could just as easily rip apart this "sure thing" cruise as it did last time round.  Yes, I am paranoid. 
I asked the doctor about getting an amnio / CVS because I already had this embryo tested by PGS before transferring it.  Will it make sense if I still end up high risk to go ahead with those tests?  She said that they test the same thing that the PGS testing did, but there is a very small chance that they made a mistake in the testing, so if my NT scan and bloodwork come back abnormal we will decide from there.  The amnio also tests for neural tube defects, which the PGS does not cover.  So that is why I am STILL afraid of the NT scan, although in theory it should be ok.  I'm not sure what other non-chromosomal issues could cause an enlarged NT.  I will have to check with Dr. Google, though that can sometimes be scary. 
I'm going back next Tuesday for one more scan at 9w5d, then nothing until the NT scan on June 21st. 

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Second Ultrasound

Today was my ultrasound and it went fine, which was a relief. The heart is still beating and it is growing. The heartbeat was 160 this time, and I am now 7 weeks 5 days along.  We got the news that our remaining embryo was abnormal. So this is it. It really makes me not take this pregnancy for granted, and also makes me nervous that if anything goes wrong at an appointment our dream could be totally dead. I also feel so mad, why are so many of my embryos abnormal, and why the hell can't I just have a baby without obsessing about it for 7 years and spending $60,000 that we could have used on having a normal sized house on these "treatments"? Everywhere I look are healthy babies. I went out with my friend last week and she mentioned that she is thinking of having a third baby. Of course she will be pregnant as soon as she goes off birth control, like the last 2 times. I did not even tell her that I am pregnant, though I had planned to. Today I asked my dr exactly what was wrong with the abnormal embryos, and she told me the detailed results: embryo 1- monosomy 11, embryo 2 - monosomy 9, embryo 3- trisomy 8, monosomy 19, AND monosomy 21, embryo 4 - normal (FREAKIN MIRACLE!!!) embryo 5 - "multiple aneuploid" (too many problems to bother documenting?????), embryo 6 - trisomy 15 AND trisomy 20, embryo 7 - 10 - unsuitable to test (have no idea why).
Perhaps I should remain focussed on my miracle, but I find these results SO DEPRESSING! Basically I have 0 chance of having a sibling, if this one survives, without spending thousands and thousands MORE dollars...
And imagine how awful I am going to feel if ANYTHING goes wrong with this one that I have now. I am so nervous, and I feel like I can't relate to anyone right now.
My friend who had her baby in January called to wish me a happy birthday and to "talk". I have not called her back. I am still kind of pissed that last time she called she had me telling my whole tx story while on speaker phone (I don't know why she calls people if she doesn't feel it's worth it to "just" talk to you, she needs to be doing God knows what at the same time-- folding laundry, eating dinner, walking on her treadmill - I am serious, she does this all the time) and then she mentions at the end of all that that she is 22 weeks pregnant. So I don't think of her as such a great friend anymore, which is sad. First of all, she should have taken me off the f***g speaker phone when she realized it was not going to be a normal kind of conversation, but I guess she just does not care. Also, I think it's bad luck to call her, because last time I called her I was gong through the worst hell of my pregnancy going off the rails, and when she had first left her message to call her, everything was fine. Also, I think she called me at a time when she knew I was at work, so I don't think she wanted to talk to me, but just see if I felt like calling her back or not. Well, I don't want to ask her about her baby, and I don't want her asking me about my "cycle", so I don't know what we will have to talk about.
Sorry I'm so pissy, I'm not sure what got me in such a bad mood. I suppose I'm just disappointed about the last embryo. And also that my birthday was different this year because I did not have a bar-b-q and invite people over like I usually do, and I resent the fact that I have to hide that I'm pregnant and feel miserable about turning 40 and not be "celebrating" with friends like a normal person. My other gay friend is planning a huge bash for his 40th on June 23rd.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

First Ultrasound

Today was the big day, I went in for my first ultrasound.  I was pretty nervous that something might be wrong, and that would be pretty evident within the first 5 seconds.  Also, we happened to be sitting in the same chairs where we were waiting to get our NT scan results last time, that were devastating.  I have no idea why we chose to sit down there.  However, the scan today went fine, there was a heart beating at 112 beats per minute, and there was a tiny blob of a baby and a yolksac within the gestational sac.  I took a little video of it to show DH.  We were both relieved that the heart was beating, I have been having a hard time believing all of this was real.  It still feels like a dream and I'm afraid I'll wake up.  Did I already say that?  Well, for today I feel reassured that all is well.  We will check again next week to see what is going on.  Our RE asked if we want a referral to the same OB as last time, the lady we never got to meet since our pregnancy ended one week before our first meeting!  So we are trying again with her, hopefully this time we will get to see her. 

I found out I'm 6 weeks and 5 days today, and measuring just one day behind, which the doctor says is ok.  So my due date should be January 3rd, I think.

Also, my cold seems to have cleared up, thank goodness.  I'm able to sleep almost through the whole night without coughing.  Last night I just coughed a little bit, but I didn't have to sit up to be able to breathe, like I did before, or move to the couch downstairs so DH could sleep. 

And a small update on my last remaining embryo, which is frozen.  The biopsy has apparently JUST been sent to be tested, and the results should be in "soon".  I hope that it is healthy, but the odds are stacked against it.  From the 5 embryos sent last time, only one was healthy (and is still going strong!! yeah!) so I hope the last remaining one will be ok too. 

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Beta #3 and Beta #4

Since my last post I started feeling a lot worse about all this, but now I am feeling better.  I somehow developed a cold starting with a sore throat at about 2 days past transfer, and that has progressed into a nightmarish flu with major asthma attacks leaving me coughing all night long.  It has been scary because I have been fearful that I would develop a fever and this would harm the baby, and also not being able to breathe is quite disturbing.  When I laid down it became impossible to breathe because of the tons of clear mucus (sorry TMI) and so I had to sit up, coughing all night.  My throat is raw, I feel terrible... I could go on.  Anyway, I went to my GP today and got some proper asthma medication, and she told me I could use DM cough syrup safely during pregnancy.  My greatest fear is taking some product or chemical and without realizing it causing some horrendous birth defect that won't be detected until 18 or 20 weeks.  This is part of why my excitement has completely flattened out and I only feel nervous and/ or ambivalent about things.  However, I think that is wearing off and I'm starting to feel more hopeful that maybe this WILL be ok. 

OK, enough about that, on to the numbers.  My beta #3, which was at 16 days past 6 day transfer, was 2,959.  That was almost doubling from the previous number, according to my calculations (which I'm not sure are accurate) it is 99% of doubling, considering it was 3 days after my 995 beta #2.

Beta # 4, which was today, at 20 days past 6 day transfer (4 days after the last beta) was 11,120.  So once again, that is not quite doubling, but about 94%.  So I can live with that.  I think they say that over 70% is fine, though obviously 100% doubling or more would be ideal.

Aside from my terrible cold / asthma / flu, I have not noticed many symptoms.  There have been a few twinges in my uterus and some very mild cramps, nothing concerning.  A little bit of soreness in the breasts, and also a bit of loss of appetite - meaning that foods don't appeal to me, but I do feel hungry.  And not too much nausea, it's hard to tell because I'm coughing so much that I feel sick from that.  I REALLY wish I could shake this cold, but I guess with the pregnancy my body is not reacting normally and this virus is lingering way longer than I am used to tolerating.  I am SICK of it!  Not to mention how much worry it has caused, and the fact that I am even suspicious of the meds that the doctor has approved as "safe" to deal with the asthma and coughing...  I wonder if it is certain that it will not do harm.  For example, the asthma meds make me shaky and my heart beats faster, with palpitations after taking it.  How can this NOT be affecting the baby???   And I imagine my baby as a tiny, vulnerable tadpole with an open neural tube, the size of a grain of rice, being bombarded by these meds and this virus.  Is it going to be ok??

My first ultrasound is next week, on May 15th. 

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Beta #2

I had my second beta today.  It was 995.  That's not quite double.  I don't know why, but I'm feeling kind of discouraged and not very excited any more.  At first I was worried that my beta was too high, now it's too low...  I'm afraid something is wrong.  I wish I could just enjoy this but I feel too scared.  My next beta is in 3 - 4 days.