Thursday, 22 March 2012

Back on track

Finally!! got an indication of a surge on Monday.  I went in on Wednesday also, and they confirmed that ovulation had taken place.  It was pretty late, but at least it finally happened on cycle day 20.  So I'm starting the Estrogen patch next Monday, the Cetrotide shot on Tuesday, then 3 days later I will get my period and then I can start my stim cycle... fingers crossed!

Sunday, 18 March 2012

LH, where are you??

I still have not surged, and now it's day 18.  WTH??  My LH went up to 9 today from 5, so it could be the beginning of a surge.  I took an OPK at home later, and still nothing.  The weekend is over and now I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but guess what?  I get to go back to the clinic again for another check.  So I need to take the morning off, that's not a very good start back.  This is seriously making me look bad at work, and I know that my annoying colleague will question why I'm away on the first day back after a holiday.  He irritates me so much, now he has figured out that all my absences are to go to the fertility doctor, and he is always shocked at how OFTEN I go.  "At the doctor AGAIN??" he keeps asking me. 

And this cycle is just ridiculous, we are not even doing anything this cycle and there is no chance at all of getting pregnant, so why the hell am I missing my vacation, and missing work for this??
My doctor is going away on vacation starting on Tuesday, so she is hoping that I surge by tomorrow so she can give me the instructions for the rest of the cycle.  Either way, I will be getting the instructions so the other doctor can monitor me while she is away. 

DH was happy to hear that he still has a job.  He said that although his vacation is over, for the first time he's GLAD to be going back to work, because at the start of his vacation he thought he was going to be axed!  And he told me more about Henry and I don't feel so sorry for him anymore.  Aside from being an engineer, Henry likes to play poker and apparently he won $1 million in Las Vegas a few years ago.  Then the bosses at work, who like to play poker, insisted that he play poker with them, so he did and he cleaned them out completely.  And since then, Henry thinks the bosses didn't like him much, I wouldn't doubt it!  But anyway, he is doing more than ok, he owns a dry cleaning business and a strip mall on the side, and his house is already paid off.  I don't think he really needed that job, from the sounds of it.  DH on the other hand, definitely needs the job so at very least we can keep our fertility treatments going as long as it takes.  Holy crap, we've already gone well beyond what we thought would be needed, so who knows where this madness will end? 

Friday, 16 March 2012

Stuck in the City

Well, I have NOT ovulated yet, so maybe I spoke too soon about my body being normal.  Normally I would have already ovulated by now, it's Day 15.  We went in for the bloodwork today, and I asked her a few things that I think she had forgotten about, such as what meds I was supposed to start taking because I had borderline high prolactin, so she gave me a Rx for that.  It's only 1/2 a pill twice a week, so not much at all.  But she had totally forgotten about it, so that is not too good.  I guess it isn't that important?  I am getting paranoid, though, since obviously I have fallen through the cracks of this whole fertility thing.  And also I asked again about the sonogram, and just as I predicted she said ,oh we should have done that a week ago, now is not the best time and we can't do it after you ovulate.  But then she sprang up and said, let's do it right now!  This is our only chance!  (also, she mistakenly thought that we had already done one after the d&c, and I said no, it was just a regular ultrasound, not a sono, and she checked her notes, and that is when she sprang into action).  So we got that done on the spot and fortunately there was good news, she said there was NO scarring and everything looked "beautiful".  Thank God, I have been worrying about that since October!  I am a bit concerned that I am not ovulating.  I took another OPK tonight to check and still nothing.  I wonder if the DHEA is messing me up again!  I only started taking it again yesterday, when she told me to.  Yesterday my follicle was 18mm and today they first measured it at 18.5 but then when they did the sono they measured it again and the doctor was saying "hmmm... how did they get a 18 from that?" and she said that probably yesterday the measurement was too generous also.  WTH???  I am seeing a pattern--- Last time I took DHEA my follicle grew, shrunk, no ovulation, and period started suddenly (with no ovulation OR luteal phase!!!!).  And now... my follicle grew, shrunk, ovulation is delayed...  and then when I went home there was a SMALL amount of blood that came out (sorry TMI).  Can you see how this is freaking me OUT!!!!!!  However, I think the blood was from being stabbed with the catheter, and a full flow has not started like last time.  I am worried, though!

So anyway, my bloodwork was not ready...  we left the clinic and they said they would call to let us know.  Well, they didn't call until after 4pm.  How helpful is that?  Our getaway is totally pooched.  (We were only planning to go to Haliburton to visit my mother, but still!)  In the message they said that I'm not surging (I already knew that from the OPK) and to come back on SUNDAY morning.  So definitely we can't get away AT ALL.  I called and let my mom know that we won't be able to visit this week.  It's kind of embarrassing, but I just told her about how we're going to the clinic and the doctor wants to check that my hormones are at a certain level, and they aren't there yet so I need to keep going back until they are.  She was fine with that, though she had been looking forward to some company.  We will have to make it up to her on a different weekend.  I was looking forward to getting out of the city, too.  Blah!

I'm going to think of some more things we can do on our "staycation".  Oh, GOOD news about my hubbie's work.  Today he found out that they have given him a new project.  So hopefully that means he will not be fired!!  (He's an engineer.)  Sadly, the project he is working on is Henry's old project (he is the one who got let go last week).  DH doesn't feel so great about that.  But we need his job to pay for the fertility treatments!!!  There is no end in sight, ugh! 

Oh, that reminds me of something funny when I went to the lab that is making my tooth veneer, in Oshawa (I had to go there in person after I got my temporary veneer so the guy who makes the real one could take pictures of my teeth and see the colour, etc to supposedly match it as close as possible).  The guy was quite a character and had fish mounted on the walls and signs "I'd rather be fishing" etc.  I looked over and he had this funny sign that said "Due to budget cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off".  After the totally stressful day/ week I had been having, that sign provided me with a much needed laugh!!!

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Waiting, weekend getaway cancelled...

Still waiting to ovulate here.  We went to the clinic this morning and at least I have a follicle that has been growing, it is 16mm now, up from 12.5mm the last time I was in.  It is good to know that SOMETHING is happening.  I just wish it would hurry up!  Today I literally had my bag packed to go with DH on a 4 day mini vacation after we left the clinic.  However, the doctor said to come in tomorrow, so our plans to go away are dashed.  And if tomorrow my LH isn't surging, then we will need to come in the next day as well, to check on it.  So much for our trip!  I may as well unpack my bag. 

After the surge, whenever it decides to appear, I will start the estrogen priming.  I will remind her that I also am supposed to take some meds to lower my prolactin, which came in borderline high the last time it was tested.  The doctor said that my progesterone has finally drifted back down to 2.5 (from 35 earlier in this crazy cycle).  She said that is probably as low as it will get because it was 2.7 four days ago and it's getting close to my normal level which is between 2.3 and 1.5.  So she said to go ahead and restart with taking DHEA.  I'm a bit worried about this since last time I started that coincided with when my cycle went wonky.  I just don't know.  But on the other hand, if it helps with my egg quality, that would be very helpful.  Not much is known about DHEA, so like much of this IF stuff, it's a bit of a crap shoot.  It could make things better, or it might make them worse, let's find out!

I was thinking more today about donor eggs.  I went to the gym and I was thinking "oh, I'd like to ask that girl to be my donor.  She looks a bit like me, and she's fit and healthy."  Imagine how crazy it would be to actually go up to someone and ask them. 

In the clinic this morning there was a annoying, weird family that was sitting in front of us in the waiting room.  DH and I almost ALWAYS sit in the same spot, the furthest corner of the room.  It is far away from the "play area" where people bring their kids.  There is nothing more depressing to me than sitting in front of a family watching 2 kids playing while mom is in to work on having her third.  I'm like, are you SERIOUS!!  Get a sitter, this is just rude to come and rub your good fortune in the face of the few sad losers here who truly are INFERTILE and DESPERATE, not just craving "one more" to add to an already complete family, as far as I'm concerned.  It just seems greedy to me.  I know many people there already have kids, but do you really need to bring them to the clinic?  And be loud and obnoxious??  Well, getting to my point...  The family looked like trailer trash, the mom was really out of shape and already looked 6 months pregnant, though presumeably she was in to try to have another.  The kid was in his pyjamas, and the dad looked all scruffy, like he just woke up.  There was also another woman who had thinning hair held in a barrett.  Maybe the sister of the woman in for treatment?  DH was joking later that maybe those were the donors.  OMG that would be so funny!!

The doctor also mentioned that DH had a great sperm count, at 22 million.  Only 32% motility, though, and 26% had "antisperm antibodies" (she said over 20% was borderline significant).  This would be a very big problem if the count was low, but with his high count I guess they can still work with that and find the "good" ones for IVF or IUI (scoff! we are well past doing IUI's).  He did another full sperm analysis this week and we will get the results of the DNA fragmentation, etc in a week or two.  Last time he was tested it was ok.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Still waiting...

Today has been a pretty good day.  I went for a facial this morning, and now I'm going to my acupuncture.  It's better than yesterday, at the dentist!!!

Tomorrow we will go to the clinic, and hopefully not be shocked with more crappy news.  Oh, look!  Your ovaries have fallen out!  That hardly ever happens!

I wonder if I should be getting a sonogram to check for scarring.  The doctor had some trouble doing the transfer last time and said "oh, maybe there is some scarring blocking the way" before she was able to push the catheter past whatever it was.  This is not reassuring.  She said if we did the sono then we wouldn't be able to do an IVF that cycle, but I'm not doing anything right now anyway.  Did she forget about that, or does she think it isn't important?  I will ask her tomorrow, but I bet she will tell me now it's too late and I should have had it done a week ago or something.  (when I was also doing nothing and could very well have done it)  Arghh!

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Feeling calmer

I have been feeling a bit better, especially since I just got back from the dentist, so that is OVER!  I did decide to go through with getting the veneer.  I don't know why, but I get so ANXIOUS about going to the dentist, probably because I have had a lot of terrible procedures done on me already.  I had gum surgery, twice, with skin grafts put in on four different areas.  And 2 root canals, and 1 root canal retreatment.  It has not been a picnic.  And looking up the procedure you are about to have done on the internet is really NOT the thing to do to ease your nerves!  I watched a terrible video about how a veneer is done, more specifically what they have to do to the original tooth to "prepare" it for the veneer, and I can tell you it was NOT reassuring!  But anyway, long story short, I decided to do it anyway, and I did (part 1, the second part is in 2 weeks when they put on the "real" veneer) I have the temporary veneer and DH said it looked pretty good, he thought it was the final tooth.  The real one should look better, but at this point I just want this to be over so as long as it looks ok I don't really care.  Phew!! 

Ok, now I can get back to my infertility-related anxiety!  I don't know what's happening with this cycle, but I HOPE that I'm going to ovulate soon, go on the estrogen patch, and then start my IVF in 2 or 3 weeks!!!!  (What I want and what ACTUALLY happens are usually vastly different)  I will see on Thursday what is going on when I go to the clinic. 
Wow, I can't believe how much better I feel, having this dentist appointment behind me.  I was truly making myself sick over thinking about it constantly, and now I feel like a WEIGHT has been lifted off me!

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Anxiety attack

I went to the clinic today and there is not much news.  I have a follicle that is 12.5 and she isn't sure if it's a new one or the old one.  So I'm going in on Thursday again.  My progesterone is down to 3.6 but she wants it down to 1 for the next cycle. 

On Friday my March Break began, which I thought would be great, however I started my holiday by having a huge anxiety attack on Friday.  DH came home and mentioned that his friend Henry at work got laid off that day.  So he was trying to downplay the fact that he may lose his job since "more cuts are coming".  This is NOT what we need right now, and poor Henry, he is jobless now.  Also, this sounds dumb but I am totally freaked out about my dental procedure that I have gone and booked for Tuesday.  The dentist was saying it's such a routine procedure, blah blah, but I looked it up on the internet and now I am very scared.  It's on my front tooth, because I had a root canal years ago and so the colour has always been slightly off.  DH says it is not noticeable and I should not bother with getting it changed.  The procedure is a veneer, and they need to file away the front of the tooth and put a porcelein model on it.  I just don't like the idea that they are filing away my original tooth, it seems so permanent, and I am having second thoughts.  But the dentist tells me it will look way better than it does now.  I just don't know.  And this is my FACE, so I don't really want to mess it up and look like an idiot for the rest of my life.  Anyway, I have a lot of questions for the dentist, and I am feeling sick thinking that I have made this appointment and now I might not go through with it, I feel like such a wimp.  And also, of course we had to go to the clinic today, so we couldn't go away for the weekend, and of course we got basically "no news" after waiting 2 hours there.  I feel like we are wasting so much time and we must be the least successful patients in the whole clinic.  We keep going back just to find out nothing, and to wait, and then do nothing some more, then come to get our negative beta, then  back for more of nothing.  Why do we even bother to go?  Maybe we have already failed and we need to accept that. 

I feel like such crap, I'm so stressed out and I'm not even able to enjoy some time off since we are still working around clinic visits, and this horrible dentist appt, and the ominous waiting to find out if DH is going to lose his job after coming back from holiday (he has this week off). 

We have tried to do a few things despite the fact that we have not been able to leave town because of the appointments.  We went to a movie last night at the theatre, "Monsieur Lahzar".  It was good, though in French with subtitles, which DH didn't like.  Since I'm a French teacher, it didn't bother me!  It was sad, too, but we were already bummed out so it didn't bring us down.  It was nice to discuss the movie afterwards with him.  One of the themes was grief, one we can relate to!  And today we both worked together on the renovation (well, mostly DH, but I joined in to help in the end) and then we went on a walk down by the water on the Boardwalk by Lake Ontario.  It was a nice day today.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty sad lately, and very worried.  It's not a good feeling.  I'm trying to stay hopeful, buy I'm very worried, and this job thing with DH and the tooth thing that I inflicted upon myself have just pushed me over the edge!  I feel like anxiety has gotten a hold of me, and I can no longer make any decisions, I look to the future with dread, I can't see a way out.  I wonder if I should be on antidepressants after the last few days that I've had.  I am serious! 

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Bitterness

So much BS has been happening lately, surrounding my EDD with more bitterness and sadness than was really necessary.  Why did my mom have to go on about how maybe the tx was a mistake?  She was really not thinking.  I think she just didn't know what to say, but really?  And why bring it up now, so long after the baby is gone.  Has she been thinking this the whole time?  I thought she was supportive, I guess she has some reservations.  That is disappointing.  She is 81 though, so I need to keep in mind that she is starting to lose it and sometimes just says dumb stuff.  It has also been so frustrating with the clinic and this cycle.  I just feel so abnormal, it's an uncomfortable feeling.  Like being infertile isn't bad enough, I don't even fit in at the clinic since I don't even know what cycle day I'm on and the technicians don't know what to write on their paper as I try to explain this long story about my cycle that had 2 bleeds.  Obviously this doesn't happen often because they are looking at me like I'm a lunatic. 

Today I went in to the clinic again, and that was what happened.  I didn't know if this was day 6 or day 17 so I think now we have established that I'm on a weird day 6.  I have a shrinking egg sitting there, and my lining did not fully shed, it's at 8mm still.  So I need to come back in 3 days and see what is happening then.  Supposedly after I ovulate we will start the "estrogen priming", but I'm not confident that there will be an ovulation since now on day 6 there is no follicle except for the shrinking one that did nothing from last cycle.  It got to 16mm and now is at 12mm.  DH was annoyed again as we were leaving the clinic, I know he was not happy with this news as it doesn't seem like anything is happening or will happen any time soon.

We have not told much about our IVFs to our family or even our friends really either.  It is just so hard for people to understand, if they have never been in a position to need an IVF, so we have mostly kept it to ourselves.  I have told a few more people since the tx, but I don't give them regular updates.  If you recall the conversation I had with my colleague and she revealed how little she knew about it all as she thought you could grow a full grown baby in a test tube.  Ha!  I haven't talked to her again about what I'm going through.  She is clearly clueless and is probably happy to be so.  IVFs ARE very weird and I wish I didn't have to do any or find out so much about all of this, but since I can't conceive like a normal person, I don't really have a choice. 

So today after going to the fertility clinic I went to my counsellor (not the fertility counsellor, the other one that is through my work).  It is supposed to be "short term" counselling so each session I go to she is trying to wrap it up, but I am too messed up for her to just leave me so we always make "one more session".  She is ok but I'm not sure how helpful she has been other than just listening to me rambling on.  So I'm supposed to meet her one more time in April.  Every time I book a new session with her I hope that in between, something good will happen, like I'll have a successful cycle and find my way out of this mess.  But it never happens!  I always go and I'm just as miserable as before, and nothing has changed. 

I went to the dentist after school today.  I was afraid to go because the last time I went was the day before I got my dx, so it brought back lots of memories.  And also I didn't know if they were going to ask me about the pregnancy since I thought the hygenist wrote down that I was 12 weeks last time.  However, I had a different dentist today, that hygenist was thankfully not there, and no one asked me about anything other than my teeth.  I was relieved, but still sad, and after I left I felt like crying just because I remembered leaving there last time so full of optimism and feeling like now I was ready to start telling people about my pregnancy since I had made it to 12 weeks and it was "safer".  That was blown up the next day.  Seriously, I was thinking of not only cancelling the appointment but changing dentists (it IS too far away since it's close to where I used to live, not close at all to where I live now) because I just didn't want to face going there again!  But I went and it was OK.  I think I'm even going back next week to get some further work done on one tooth (but I may call and cancel if I chicken out!  It is not essential, it's just cosmetic so I could do it later)

I'm glad to be past the EDD, and the dentist! but now I'm still worried about MOTHER'S DAY (Dear God, how am I going to get through this one?) and MY 40th BIRTHDAY (the death knell of my ovaries will be sounding loud and clear on that day!) that will surely be terrible days.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Beyond the EDD

It has been a hard few days but I'm feeling better today.  The EDD went ok, I discussed with DH my plan to "do something" and told him I was thinking of getting balloons and letting them go in memory of Lily.  He got very sad and said that was a good idea, so we did it.  We wrote a short note to her and then went to buy the pink balloons, walked together to the park and released them into the wind, with the note attached.  It was a sad moment because so symbolic in many ways.  First of all the fact that only the two of us were doing this "ceremony" because we are the only ones who really remember her or are affected by this day.  It was sad to watch the balloons float away further and further, and then disappear into a cloud, and then wonder where they were, they were somewhere but too far away to see so that is a lot like our little Lily.  Where did she go?  Her energy just floated off somewhere.  It was painful, but good for us as a couple to get these feelings out and cry together as we watched the balloons.  That is about all that we did, after that we went to have lunch together in a restaurant on the other side of the city.  We usually go there for Easter because that is DH's tradition with his family, it is in the Ukrainian/ Polish part of town and he is part Polish.  But this time we went just the two of us, not with the inlaws, so it was nice.

I called my mother later that day and in the conversation mentioned that it was the EDD and she said oh, yes, well... are we were pregnant again yet?  Oh yeah, I was and forgot to mention it... duh, of course not, we're INFERTILE, remember?  and our IVF failed (I don't think she fully understands what an IVF is) I was getting a bit annoyed.  She then asked if they were SURE that our baby had Down Syndrome, doctors sometimes make mistakes.  And she reminded me that the doctors told her to abort me because she was old and I might have Down Syndrome.  I don't understand how she thought this was a supportive comment to make to me after I tell her it's my EDD.  It just made me mad, I told her well they based that assumption on just her AGE, so that is RIDICULOUS, and with my case they looked at the CHROMOSOMES and there were 3 sets of number 21, so that is a definite diagnosis, unlike in her situation.  Then she said something I didn't even understand but basically she thought there had to be 3 chromosomes because the male has XY and the female has XX so that makes 3, or something, and I was like, what are you talking about?  That is a different chromosome altogether and I'm talking about chromosome 21, then she said she didn't understand and I should just do what I thought was best.  So this was my great talk with my mother, I'm wondering how she could be a nurse and be talking to me like this, and WTF how is this line of discussion even helpful at all?  She is basically questioning if I made a mistake to terminate and maybe there was nothing wrong with my baby.  Thanks, that's what I need to hear today.  I didn't bother to tell her about the balloons, I didn't want to know what her comments about that might be.  I love my mother but she totally does not get the whole infertility thing, the treatments and the diagnoses.  I need to limit what I share with her based on her unhelpful and totally off base observations, such as what happened that day.

I forgot to mention the morning of the EDD was of course another trip to the fertility clinic.  And I was a bit depressed with the news because it did not give us a clear picture or plan of what we are doing or what is going on.  Big surprise!  We had gone in on Saturday to ask the doctor on call about the bleeding and he said something like, well your lining is still intact and I see a follicle, so the cycle is still going.  Come back in 2 days and talk to your real doctor.  Then I got the email reply from my inquiry to the doctor saying to come in the next day, so we did.  The U/S technician saw that my chart said to come back in 2 days and she didn't want to do an ultrasound on me that day.  So I had to argue with her that I had received the email to come in, and since I was there why would I NOT receive an ultrasound, I am trying to find out when I ovulate, and with the bleeding it is making this cycle even more confusing, so the ultrasound would give important information about this.  She said I should talk to the doctor first and then see if I "needed" an ultrasound.  I could just picture that, and I know it would tack on an extra hour to our waiting.  Anyway, long story short, she did the ultrasound but was pissed and totally didn't want to.  And she took forever too, since she was obviously new and didn't really know what she was doing.  It took her about 20 min to do the ultrasound!  She was recording every single tiny follicle, I felt like telling her- just measure the big one, b*tch, the other ones are a waste of time and who cares!  I'm not even doing an IVF this cycle!  I'm just trying to see when the big one ovulates or not.  So I was kind of upset about that, she wasn't very nice and had NO concern at all about my weird bleeding.  Also, when going to get my bloodwork there is one of the technicians who is now massively pregnant, and I was hoping not to get her to draw my blood that day, she just depresses me.  Luckily I did not.  So then I was waiting for the doctor, and a bit worried that she would yell at me for being there instead of waiting until the next day as it said on my chart, even though the nurse had sent an email to come in.  But she didn't.  However, she said it looks like my bloodwork is coming back looking like Day 2 so this could be considered a new cycle.  That means my last cycle was only 11 days long.  That's not a cycle!  That makes no sense!  Then she said maybe the DHEA messed things up, so she wants me to stop taking it right away.  I'm going in tomorrow to find out where things are at now, and if I'm Cycle Day 6 or Cycle Day 17?  She said, well since your progesterone has dropped, that's probably why you started bleeding, normally when you get a drop in progesterone it signals your body to have a period.  My progesterone is now 5.6 so it has finally come down, though still not as low as normal since she said my baseline from other cycles was more like 1.8 or something like that.  Then she said since I'm probably on Day 3, we could start the stims up.  DH and I were like, WHAT?  I don't think so!  We would like this to actually WORK, this sounds way too wacky and I'm sure will end in disaster if we started stims on that cycle.  Then she saw our hesitation and said, well yes, we should wait to get you at more optimal levels, and you do have a cyst still (my follicle is now considered a cyst).  I don't know if the egg that was growing will ever ovulate, or if a new one is going to start growing (since a "new cycle" has supposedly just started) and the old follicle has just pooped out after 11 days, or what.  Maybe I will have a new egg starting and the old one still sitting there, interfering with the new cycle.  Maybe no new egg will start because of the stagnant non-released egg.  So you see, I am very CONFUSED and we left the clinic feeling once again like we are in limbo and waiting until Wednesday to "see what will happen".  So that put me in a low mood for the EDD since there is no immediate hope of getting pregnant, just more waiting, which we have already done too much of, and I'm turning 40 in TWO MONTHS, so this waiting is just such BS, I can't stand it.  We are more resolved than ever to have a child, but I'm just sad that at this point it is looking less and less likely that it will be my genetic child.  So I can say that this Sat and Sunday I was flat out depressed worse than usual and it was not a good feeling. 

Monday was better after returning to work and just getting back into my normal life, and less time reflecting on this stuff.  And today I went out to dinner with my two aunts (one is really a second cousin but I consider her an aunt).  They are lonely old ladies and appreciated our company, and it was one of their birthday's on my actual EDD (March 4) so we went out for her birthday dinner tonight.  I didn't even bring up the EDD and the day was just about her, she was turning 75 and we went to a nice restaurant then back to her place to look at some of her paintings that she was telling us about, before going home. 

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Dear Lily

Dear Lily,
You were supposed to be born today.  I'm so sad that you aren't here with us.  We love you so much and wanted you more than anything.  I'm sorry that we weren't able to protect you and make you better.  Today we were thinking of you and remembering how happy you made us.  Finding out about you and seeing you for the first time on the ultrasound was the greatest joy I've ever experienced in my life.  Your dad felt the same way, too.  Losing you has been our greatest sorrow.  We wrote a note for you today and then got some pretty pink balloons, then went to the park and set them adrift with the note attached, in your honour.  We watched as the balloons floated off, further and further, just as you were released from us and back into the universe.  We watched them disappear into a huge fluffy cloud and we had tears in our eyes as we thought of you and how much we wanted you in our arms, not floating off somewhere.  But we know you are always going to be in our hearts and a part of us, no matter where you are.  We will never forget you.  Today was supposed to be your day, Lily, so we wanted to acknowledge you this way.  You were innocent and perfect and we're so sorry that you're gone.
With love,
Mom

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Weird bleeding, EDD tomorrow

I don't know what it is with me, now my cycles are so abnormal.  It's making me so frustrated!  I used to have normal, regular cycles but was still not able to get pregnant.  Now it's even worse with irregular weirdness going on.  I have never had bleeding in the middle of the cycle, not even spotting, nothing.  And seriously, what I just had was like a mini period.  I think it is stopping now/ slowing down, but it was 2 days of bleeding.  I wonder if the DHEA did something to me, I just started taking it so maybe that is related?  Or maybe it was the progesterone, if my lining got too thick because of that and some of it bled off?  The doctor today said that my lining was still intact so although I feel like I'm having a period I guess it is just considered spotting, and my cycle is continuing.  I was questioning if maybe I was back at a new Day2 now, but he didn't think so because of my other hormone levels.  I think I will go in tomorrow and check with my real RE, I am just paranoid and don't want to wait and leave anything to chance.  I have already made that mistake a few times of "waiting and seeing" and then later realizing I SHOULD have gone in earlier and saved time because they could have done something (like when I had the bleeding after my tx and I just kept on waiting, then later I had to have a second d&c and should have had it weeks earlier).  I am DONE with waiting around.  This has been a crazy week, I have been in to the clinic on Tues, Wed, Fri and Sat so far.  And now I plan to go in tomorrow, so that will be 5 times at the clinic in one week!  We are becoming a part of the decor in the waiting room!  And I am getting bummed out about how much time we spend there with so little results to show for it.  And the huge file!  I can spot it a mile away by it's abnormally huge size.  There it is!  "Filey!" (we have named it), we are thinking of taking it home and putting it in a crib in the spare room! haha  It is a lot heavier than a newborn, I can tell you that.  So we'll see what is going on tomorrow with the bleeding since the doctor on call today didn't have many answers.  Normally he is very nice, but I think he is just tired of seeing us.  Last time we saw him we were prepping for our FET.  So now we had to tell him, oh yeah that failed as well, and now we're back for this new cycle, that got cancelled so now it's an estrogen priming cycle, and now I'm bleeding.  He was basically like, come back and talk to your doctor when she is in, I'm not dealing with this.  He said maybe I will need to wait another cycle if this one is too abnormal after some more monitoring, but they will try to salvage the cycle depending on what happens in the next few days.  I was so worried about the bleeding I forgot to ask about the follicle that shrunk, to see if it had grown bigger, and I forgot to ask about my progesterone too.  Too much going on, I will have to ask about that next time.

I do think that the whole "everything happens for a reason" is such a load of crap.  Obviously people who think that have not had their lives ripped to pieces by a random fluke of nature.  I don't think there is any meaning or "plan" in this crap happening, it just happens because nature is imperfect and cruel.  It is easy for those who have not been touched by this to attribute their luck to "the universe unfolding as it should" but it is just scary to realize how little control we have over some things.  And I really don't think my baby's chromosomes did not split properly for a reason, it just happened because my eggs are old and crappy, and it can also happen in younger eggs too, but I don't think it is for a reason.  This whole topic just makes me riled up and so angry at the naivety of others and their lack of imagination or compassion of how hard it could be to be faced with what we have had to go through.  I know my principal was speaking out of total ignorance saying he believes that everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps some things do, but there is a lot of senseless shit that happens for no reason!  And it is painful for people who have been on the receiving end of that shit to hear this and wonder, well what is the f***g reason that this happened?  Am I being punished by the universe?  Is the reason I'm childless that I would have been a terrible parent?  Thanks a lot universe!  And why did my father die in that crash?  It has been 18 years since that happened and I have yet to think of the reason that it happened. 

Well, my EDD is tomorrow and it is so disappointing that I am not pregnant.  I REALLY thought my IVF would work and I would be pregnant by this day.  Tomorrow will be sad, but I will spend it with DH and we have been brought very close by this ongoing ordeal and the seemingly endless suffering that infertility and TFMR has brought to our lives.  We will remember our little baby girl, who we named Lily, we are sad she was not normal and would not live the life we wanted for her.  It is so unfair!  I still have my ultrasound pictures of her, and videos from the ultrasound on my camera. 

Friday, 2 March 2012

Cycle is stalling

I went to the clinic today.  Do I ever get good news there?  NO!  So today the doctor said my lead follicle seems to have shrunk since Wednesday, and she said that's ok, sometimes they stop and then start up again.  Why????  On Wednesday it was 16mm and today it was 12mm.  This looks to me like a cycle that will be long and wasting time.  She didn't seem too concerned, though.  My bloodwork wasn't ready so she said she'd call and tell me when to come back based on that.  I got the call and they said to go back on Monday, and that my estrogen had gone up as it should.  So I hope on Monday that I will be ready to ovulate and move on to the "estrogen patch" part of the cycle.  Or hopefully they can do something to hurry this up.  I don't want a 44 day cycle like last time.  Then, after I left the clinic I noticed that I had started spotting, and over the course of the day the bleeding increased to be more like a Day 1 of my period type bleeding!  WTH?  I sent an email in to the clinic asking them if I should come back sooner because of the weird bleeding.  How normal is it to start bleeding on cycle day 12??  That has NEVER happened to me before. 
Today I was looking at another girl at work and I swear she looks pregnant to me.  That is just depressing, of course there are a lot of women on staff who are probably trying, and unlike me, can get pregnant without all these ridiculous problems and delays! 

On Wednesday when the secretary was questioning me about my appointments and the results of my FET,  she then started going on about adoption and how her husband is totally against it, but she would like to do it  (she has also been dealing with infertility and has stopped treatments for now).  And she started talking about our principal, who is planning to adopt, and I thought maybe he doesn't want to talk about this at work, and he's my boss so I don't want to offend him by saying something wrong.  The secretary was saying "oh, he's willing to adopt a child with problems.. blah. blah... "  I didn't think it was very appropriate, and also it brings forth the point that although he is willing to take "almost anything" he still hasn't been matched yet.  Who knows if he had an adoption fall through already?  He was getting a little defensive and said "well, the process is very child focused, so they look at everything from that perspective when doing the matching" and then went on to say that he is a "fatalist" and believes that "everything happens for a reason".  Ugh, I just had to politely dismiss myself from that conversation because from my experience I don't agree with that, in fact that makes me so angry!!  I guess that makes sense in the context of waiting to be matched with the right child to adopt, however it does not make sense when thinking of why did my miracle baby have to have T21 and put me in a position to make such a gutwrenching choice to CTT or terminate.  I think some things just happen in nature, and it isn't for a reason, or for the best.  But I'm not going to tell that to my boss.  Work is really not the place to talk about this anyway, that's why I'm glad for the discussion boards with other women that have been through infertility and TFMR.  It's a rare and heartbreaking combination, and throw in there AMA for a cherry on top, and don't forget childlessness.  The other women have been a good support to me, that I haven't found much of in my real every day life.

I haven't planned my EDD yet, but it's in 2 days so I will think a bit about it.  I may not do anything except just think about my baby, and maybe I'll try writing a letter to her, that's what my counsellor suggested.  I like the idea of balloons too, but I don't know if I'll do it.  If the weather were nicer maybe I would plant something in Lily's honour.  It is sad that I won't have my own little baby to hold this Sunday.  And it sucks that I didn't get pregnant before Christmas, or my EDD, and probably not by my birthday either.  In dealing with this loss I always thought, well maybe I'll be pregnant again and then having to lose this baby will make sense, because if I had CTT I would not be able to have the next one.  But there is no new baby, just the emptiness.  There was no "reason" to let her go earlier than later, I guess I didn't need to rush so much, maybe I could have enjoyed a few more weeks of being pregnant (not that you can enjoy a pregnancy after that dx, it is pretty much over no matter when you get the procedure done).  I am so bitter, I don't know how I am going to get past this.  And it is lonely, for example I think if I shared this with my principal it would actually put my job at risk, so there is really a limit to what I can share at work.