Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Second Ultrasound

Today was my ultrasound and it went fine, which was a relief. The heart is still beating and it is growing. The heartbeat was 160 this time, and I am now 7 weeks 5 days along.  We got the news that our remaining embryo was abnormal. So this is it. It really makes me not take this pregnancy for granted, and also makes me nervous that if anything goes wrong at an appointment our dream could be totally dead. I also feel so mad, why are so many of my embryos abnormal, and why the hell can't I just have a baby without obsessing about it for 7 years and spending $60,000 that we could have used on having a normal sized house on these "treatments"? Everywhere I look are healthy babies. I went out with my friend last week and she mentioned that she is thinking of having a third baby. Of course she will be pregnant as soon as she goes off birth control, like the last 2 times. I did not even tell her that I am pregnant, though I had planned to. Today I asked my dr exactly what was wrong with the abnormal embryos, and she told me the detailed results: embryo 1- monosomy 11, embryo 2 - monosomy 9, embryo 3- trisomy 8, monosomy 19, AND monosomy 21, embryo 4 - normal (FREAKIN MIRACLE!!!) embryo 5 - "multiple aneuploid" (too many problems to bother documenting?????), embryo 6 - trisomy 15 AND trisomy 20, embryo 7 - 10 - unsuitable to test (have no idea why).
Perhaps I should remain focussed on my miracle, but I find these results SO DEPRESSING! Basically I have 0 chance of having a sibling, if this one survives, without spending thousands and thousands MORE dollars...
And imagine how awful I am going to feel if ANYTHING goes wrong with this one that I have now. I am so nervous, and I feel like I can't relate to anyone right now.
My friend who had her baby in January called to wish me a happy birthday and to "talk". I have not called her back. I am still kind of pissed that last time she called she had me telling my whole tx story while on speaker phone (I don't know why she calls people if she doesn't feel it's worth it to "just" talk to you, she needs to be doing God knows what at the same time-- folding laundry, eating dinner, walking on her treadmill - I am serious, she does this all the time) and then she mentions at the end of all that that she is 22 weeks pregnant. So I don't think of her as such a great friend anymore, which is sad. First of all, she should have taken me off the f***g speaker phone when she realized it was not going to be a normal kind of conversation, but I guess she just does not care. Also, I think it's bad luck to call her, because last time I called her I was gong through the worst hell of my pregnancy going off the rails, and when she had first left her message to call her, everything was fine. Also, I think she called me at a time when she knew I was at work, so I don't think she wanted to talk to me, but just see if I felt like calling her back or not. Well, I don't want to ask her about her baby, and I don't want her asking me about my "cycle", so I don't know what we will have to talk about.
Sorry I'm so pissy, I'm not sure what got me in such a bad mood. I suppose I'm just disappointed about the last embryo. And also that my birthday was different this year because I did not have a bar-b-q and invite people over like I usually do, and I resent the fact that I have to hide that I'm pregnant and feel miserable about turning 40 and not be "celebrating" with friends like a normal person. My other gay friend is planning a huge bash for his 40th on June 23rd.

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