Friday, 27 April 2012

Positive HPT

I can't even believe I'm typing this, but I believe I have a BFP!!!  Yesterday I tested and the line was very faint, but today it looks dark enough to be certain that no, this is not my imagination.  I have not had my beta yet, that is on Sunday.  So I'm hoping this little bean keeps growing properly and I get some good numbers.  I'm afraid to feel too happy, but how can I help it, this is what I have been praying for and waiting and waiting so long for...   DH is not very excited.  He says he doesn't want to get his hopes up too early.  But I guess the absence of being depressed and in total despair from a certain negative is exciting enough.  Right now I feel mainly relief, like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  However, I still plan to go to the regional Donor Conception Support Network meeting tomorrow afternoon, so what can be said of that?  I am keeping my options open, and even if hopefully everything goes fine with this pregnancy, let's face it, I will be 41 before I can try again and with the slim prospects I just went through (10 embryos reduced down to one after testing and/or waiting until day 6) I think it is quite likely that donor eggs are still in my future if we are planning on having more than one.  And if this one doesn't work out, it is a bit of a toss up if I will stick out another round of IVF with PGS, as I had originally thought, or just go to donor eggs.  That is what I was thinking about last weekend, I was really thinking that if for a second time I had genetically "normal" embies that did not stick, I am just not confident it is worth doing it a third time given the price we are paying.  So that made me very sad.  It basically came down to, if I don't see a positive HPT in the next few days, I might have to decide whether I want a genetic child so badly that I am willing to risk running out of money/ time and not have any child, or if I just want to be a mom so badly that I am willing to give up my genetic contribution and have a donor egg.  I don't think I have come to an answer to that question yet.  I just hate having to think of it that way, but this is the reality that I am coming up to.  I have gone over this is my mind a lot and changed my decision again and again.  I have really just not decided, I don't know what would bring me to that certainty.  That's part of the reason I'm still going to the donor meeting, although my prospects for this cycle have suddenly brightened!  I can't help but to think, what if it falls through, I will want to know what to do right away and have my plan in place.  And anyway, I might be doing donor egg in the next few years so I'd like to get more information at the meeting.  It has been quite a week.  It's hard to stay focused at work, and I've hardly been able to sleep at night.  Seeing the two lines today was the most uplifted I've felt in a LOOOOONG time!!!!!!!!!!  Now of course I am terrified that the line will go away, or the beta will not be good or won't double on time, etc.  But at least a positive HPT is a great starting point and one that I have had so much trouble getting to, that I feel like I've already won the race, though I know this is far from true.  Trying to keep an even head about this.  DH is doing a better job than me, I can tell you that.

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