Thursday, 19 April 2012

One

ONE normal embryo...  those are the results from my PGS testing.  We put it in.  But let me backtrack a bit...

Yesterday was such an exhausting day, mostly emotionally exhausting.  We went in at 12 noon and they didn't get the results until 3pm (it was supposed to be between 12 and 1).  So I was sitting there with a full bladder the whole time wondering what the hell was going on.  When there was still no call by 2:30, we were starving and my bladder was killing me, so we went for lunch across the street and the clinic said they'd call if they heard anything.  I went to the washroom, so annoyed for having to hold it that long, then sure enough they call and when we got back they say "oh, is your bladder full?"  At that point I had figured there was something wrong and maybe the lab in Detroit didn't realize they had to do the results for today or something, so I had lost hope that things were going to go as planned.  However, we were so happy to hear that there was going to be a transfer and they didn't just say, we got the results, they are all abnormal, you can go home now.  So anyway, we had to wait for my stupid bladder to fill up again, and that took about an hour!  I think the rice that I ate at lunch was absorbing all the water that I drank, because they kept checking my bladder on the ultrasound, and it was always empty, even though I had drunk about 3 litres of water and waited half an hour.  I felt sick and I swear I was going to throw up if I had one more sip of water, but the nurse kept saying "drink more!  drink more!" 

We found out there was one normal blast from the 5 day-5 blasts tested, so we put that one in.  It is hard not to be negative about that result, but I suppose it could have been worse.  As angry as I am that I only got one (maybe 2, they sent one more in for biopsy on Day 6) normal embryo, I could have had 0.  And 1 is pretty close to 0, so I was very close to that devastating outcome. 

I am trying to be positive, but all I think about is WHY???  And HOW could this happen, when I had an AFC of 38, 21 mature follicles over 18mm, 12 eggs retrrieved, 10 fertilized, 10 made it to day 5, 5 biopsied on day 5 and 1 biopsied on day 6.... and end up with just ONE????????????????????
And what happened to the 4 other day-6 embryos that they were observing but weren't good enough to be biopsied?  They just ran out of steam, right at the critical moment? 

Dear God, I hope this one survives, because obviously there is NO backup plan.  I don't even want to think about it. 

So far all I have felt is 1) nothing  2) negative thoughts.  So I have no idea how this embryo is going to survive if there is really a mind/body connection, I am really not helping this little guy out at all.  So since all my thoughts are negative and angry, I have to just not think about it at all, I guess.  I have no idea how to be positive, I am just too scared. 

On the bright side, my dr did say that this blast is excellent top quality.  And I don't think she would bullshit about that because last time she told me straight out that the 2 that we put in were not good quality, but they were normal.  So I hope that because it is better quality, it will survive, otherwise, I can't even think about how I will feel about all of this.  I just can't picture going through all this again, it has not been a smooth ride and the last two days I swear I have started having a small twitch on my face from the constant stress of what has been happening with this cycle. 

DH says I should visualize a velcro ball sticking to a glove, or imagine taking a dog for a walk and having burrs stick to his fur.  Those are definitely more useful thoughts than the ones I have been having of doom and gloom!

I'm pretty sure I will not hear about the last biopsied embryo unless I call them and bug them about it.  How can they not figure that I would want to know that right away?  Are there people out there who have embryos biopsied and don't really care about the result?  The chances are slim that it will be normal.  I don't understand how so many of them can be abnormal or poor growers, or both!  WTH!!  I guess that is why I did PGS, I suspected that this was the case, otherwise why the hell would I not be pregnant already after all these years?  I bet my egg quality was crappy even when I was 32. 

Well, that's the long version of my update.  After spending 5 hours in the clinic yesterday (the transfer was at 4:15 and we left right before 5, they actually had to kick us out because they were closing the clinic. )  we were completely wiped out from waiting on eggshells for that long.  I went to bed early and slept for 12 hours after that.  (I didn't go to work this morming, but I will go in this afternoon for that stupid training thing with Chantal).  My nerves are shot, I feel excited, depressed, nervous, angry, hopeless, worried... all at the same time. 

1 comment:

  1. Wishing you and the normal, optimal growing embryo all the best!

    ReplyDelete