Saturday, 3 March 2012

Weird bleeding, EDD tomorrow

I don't know what it is with me, now my cycles are so abnormal.  It's making me so frustrated!  I used to have normal, regular cycles but was still not able to get pregnant.  Now it's even worse with irregular weirdness going on.  I have never had bleeding in the middle of the cycle, not even spotting, nothing.  And seriously, what I just had was like a mini period.  I think it is stopping now/ slowing down, but it was 2 days of bleeding.  I wonder if the DHEA did something to me, I just started taking it so maybe that is related?  Or maybe it was the progesterone, if my lining got too thick because of that and some of it bled off?  The doctor today said that my lining was still intact so although I feel like I'm having a period I guess it is just considered spotting, and my cycle is continuing.  I was questioning if maybe I was back at a new Day2 now, but he didn't think so because of my other hormone levels.  I think I will go in tomorrow and check with my real RE, I am just paranoid and don't want to wait and leave anything to chance.  I have already made that mistake a few times of "waiting and seeing" and then later realizing I SHOULD have gone in earlier and saved time because they could have done something (like when I had the bleeding after my tx and I just kept on waiting, then later I had to have a second d&c and should have had it weeks earlier).  I am DONE with waiting around.  This has been a crazy week, I have been in to the clinic on Tues, Wed, Fri and Sat so far.  And now I plan to go in tomorrow, so that will be 5 times at the clinic in one week!  We are becoming a part of the decor in the waiting room!  And I am getting bummed out about how much time we spend there with so little results to show for it.  And the huge file!  I can spot it a mile away by it's abnormally huge size.  There it is!  "Filey!" (we have named it), we are thinking of taking it home and putting it in a crib in the spare room! haha  It is a lot heavier than a newborn, I can tell you that.  So we'll see what is going on tomorrow with the bleeding since the doctor on call today didn't have many answers.  Normally he is very nice, but I think he is just tired of seeing us.  Last time we saw him we were prepping for our FET.  So now we had to tell him, oh yeah that failed as well, and now we're back for this new cycle, that got cancelled so now it's an estrogen priming cycle, and now I'm bleeding.  He was basically like, come back and talk to your doctor when she is in, I'm not dealing with this.  He said maybe I will need to wait another cycle if this one is too abnormal after some more monitoring, but they will try to salvage the cycle depending on what happens in the next few days.  I was so worried about the bleeding I forgot to ask about the follicle that shrunk, to see if it had grown bigger, and I forgot to ask about my progesterone too.  Too much going on, I will have to ask about that next time.

I do think that the whole "everything happens for a reason" is such a load of crap.  Obviously people who think that have not had their lives ripped to pieces by a random fluke of nature.  I don't think there is any meaning or "plan" in this crap happening, it just happens because nature is imperfect and cruel.  It is easy for those who have not been touched by this to attribute their luck to "the universe unfolding as it should" but it is just scary to realize how little control we have over some things.  And I really don't think my baby's chromosomes did not split properly for a reason, it just happened because my eggs are old and crappy, and it can also happen in younger eggs too, but I don't think it is for a reason.  This whole topic just makes me riled up and so angry at the naivety of others and their lack of imagination or compassion of how hard it could be to be faced with what we have had to go through.  I know my principal was speaking out of total ignorance saying he believes that everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps some things do, but there is a lot of senseless shit that happens for no reason!  And it is painful for people who have been on the receiving end of that shit to hear this and wonder, well what is the f***g reason that this happened?  Am I being punished by the universe?  Is the reason I'm childless that I would have been a terrible parent?  Thanks a lot universe!  And why did my father die in that crash?  It has been 18 years since that happened and I have yet to think of the reason that it happened. 

Well, my EDD is tomorrow and it is so disappointing that I am not pregnant.  I REALLY thought my IVF would work and I would be pregnant by this day.  Tomorrow will be sad, but I will spend it with DH and we have been brought very close by this ongoing ordeal and the seemingly endless suffering that infertility and TFMR has brought to our lives.  We will remember our little baby girl, who we named Lily, we are sad she was not normal and would not live the life we wanted for her.  It is so unfair!  I still have my ultrasound pictures of her, and videos from the ultrasound on my camera. 

No comments:

Post a Comment