Friday, 2 March 2012

Cycle is stalling

I went to the clinic today.  Do I ever get good news there?  NO!  So today the doctor said my lead follicle seems to have shrunk since Wednesday, and she said that's ok, sometimes they stop and then start up again.  Why????  On Wednesday it was 16mm and today it was 12mm.  This looks to me like a cycle that will be long and wasting time.  She didn't seem too concerned, though.  My bloodwork wasn't ready so she said she'd call and tell me when to come back based on that.  I got the call and they said to go back on Monday, and that my estrogen had gone up as it should.  So I hope on Monday that I will be ready to ovulate and move on to the "estrogen patch" part of the cycle.  Or hopefully they can do something to hurry this up.  I don't want a 44 day cycle like last time.  Then, after I left the clinic I noticed that I had started spotting, and over the course of the day the bleeding increased to be more like a Day 1 of my period type bleeding!  WTH?  I sent an email in to the clinic asking them if I should come back sooner because of the weird bleeding.  How normal is it to start bleeding on cycle day 12??  That has NEVER happened to me before. 
Today I was looking at another girl at work and I swear she looks pregnant to me.  That is just depressing, of course there are a lot of women on staff who are probably trying, and unlike me, can get pregnant without all these ridiculous problems and delays! 

On Wednesday when the secretary was questioning me about my appointments and the results of my FET,  she then started going on about adoption and how her husband is totally against it, but she would like to do it  (she has also been dealing with infertility and has stopped treatments for now).  And she started talking about our principal, who is planning to adopt, and I thought maybe he doesn't want to talk about this at work, and he's my boss so I don't want to offend him by saying something wrong.  The secretary was saying "oh, he's willing to adopt a child with problems.. blah. blah... "  I didn't think it was very appropriate, and also it brings forth the point that although he is willing to take "almost anything" he still hasn't been matched yet.  Who knows if he had an adoption fall through already?  He was getting a little defensive and said "well, the process is very child focused, so they look at everything from that perspective when doing the matching" and then went on to say that he is a "fatalist" and believes that "everything happens for a reason".  Ugh, I just had to politely dismiss myself from that conversation because from my experience I don't agree with that, in fact that makes me so angry!!  I guess that makes sense in the context of waiting to be matched with the right child to adopt, however it does not make sense when thinking of why did my miracle baby have to have T21 and put me in a position to make such a gutwrenching choice to CTT or terminate.  I think some things just happen in nature, and it isn't for a reason, or for the best.  But I'm not going to tell that to my boss.  Work is really not the place to talk about this anyway, that's why I'm glad for the discussion boards with other women that have been through infertility and TFMR.  It's a rare and heartbreaking combination, and throw in there AMA for a cherry on top, and don't forget childlessness.  The other women have been a good support to me, that I haven't found much of in my real every day life.

I haven't planned my EDD yet, but it's in 2 days so I will think a bit about it.  I may not do anything except just think about my baby, and maybe I'll try writing a letter to her, that's what my counsellor suggested.  I like the idea of balloons too, but I don't know if I'll do it.  If the weather were nicer maybe I would plant something in Lily's honour.  It is sad that I won't have my own little baby to hold this Sunday.  And it sucks that I didn't get pregnant before Christmas, or my EDD, and probably not by my birthday either.  In dealing with this loss I always thought, well maybe I'll be pregnant again and then having to lose this baby will make sense, because if I had CTT I would not be able to have the next one.  But there is no new baby, just the emptiness.  There was no "reason" to let her go earlier than later, I guess I didn't need to rush so much, maybe I could have enjoyed a few more weeks of being pregnant (not that you can enjoy a pregnancy after that dx, it is pretty much over no matter when you get the procedure done).  I am so bitter, I don't know how I am going to get past this.  And it is lonely, for example I think if I shared this with my principal it would actually put my job at risk, so there is really a limit to what I can share at work.

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