Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Bitterness

So much BS has been happening lately, surrounding my EDD with more bitterness and sadness than was really necessary.  Why did my mom have to go on about how maybe the tx was a mistake?  She was really not thinking.  I think she just didn't know what to say, but really?  And why bring it up now, so long after the baby is gone.  Has she been thinking this the whole time?  I thought she was supportive, I guess she has some reservations.  That is disappointing.  She is 81 though, so I need to keep in mind that she is starting to lose it and sometimes just says dumb stuff.  It has also been so frustrating with the clinic and this cycle.  I just feel so abnormal, it's an uncomfortable feeling.  Like being infertile isn't bad enough, I don't even fit in at the clinic since I don't even know what cycle day I'm on and the technicians don't know what to write on their paper as I try to explain this long story about my cycle that had 2 bleeds.  Obviously this doesn't happen often because they are looking at me like I'm a lunatic. 

Today I went in to the clinic again, and that was what happened.  I didn't know if this was day 6 or day 17 so I think now we have established that I'm on a weird day 6.  I have a shrinking egg sitting there, and my lining did not fully shed, it's at 8mm still.  So I need to come back in 3 days and see what is happening then.  Supposedly after I ovulate we will start the "estrogen priming", but I'm not confident that there will be an ovulation since now on day 6 there is no follicle except for the shrinking one that did nothing from last cycle.  It got to 16mm and now is at 12mm.  DH was annoyed again as we were leaving the clinic, I know he was not happy with this news as it doesn't seem like anything is happening or will happen any time soon.

We have not told much about our IVFs to our family or even our friends really either.  It is just so hard for people to understand, if they have never been in a position to need an IVF, so we have mostly kept it to ourselves.  I have told a few more people since the tx, but I don't give them regular updates.  If you recall the conversation I had with my colleague and she revealed how little she knew about it all as she thought you could grow a full grown baby in a test tube.  Ha!  I haven't talked to her again about what I'm going through.  She is clearly clueless and is probably happy to be so.  IVFs ARE very weird and I wish I didn't have to do any or find out so much about all of this, but since I can't conceive like a normal person, I don't really have a choice. 

So today after going to the fertility clinic I went to my counsellor (not the fertility counsellor, the other one that is through my work).  It is supposed to be "short term" counselling so each session I go to she is trying to wrap it up, but I am too messed up for her to just leave me so we always make "one more session".  She is ok but I'm not sure how helpful she has been other than just listening to me rambling on.  So I'm supposed to meet her one more time in April.  Every time I book a new session with her I hope that in between, something good will happen, like I'll have a successful cycle and find my way out of this mess.  But it never happens!  I always go and I'm just as miserable as before, and nothing has changed. 

I went to the dentist after school today.  I was afraid to go because the last time I went was the day before I got my dx, so it brought back lots of memories.  And also I didn't know if they were going to ask me about the pregnancy since I thought the hygenist wrote down that I was 12 weeks last time.  However, I had a different dentist today, that hygenist was thankfully not there, and no one asked me about anything other than my teeth.  I was relieved, but still sad, and after I left I felt like crying just because I remembered leaving there last time so full of optimism and feeling like now I was ready to start telling people about my pregnancy since I had made it to 12 weeks and it was "safer".  That was blown up the next day.  Seriously, I was thinking of not only cancelling the appointment but changing dentists (it IS too far away since it's close to where I used to live, not close at all to where I live now) because I just didn't want to face going there again!  But I went and it was OK.  I think I'm even going back next week to get some further work done on one tooth (but I may call and cancel if I chicken out!  It is not essential, it's just cosmetic so I could do it later)

I'm glad to be past the EDD, and the dentist! but now I'm still worried about MOTHER'S DAY (Dear God, how am I going to get through this one?) and MY 40th BIRTHDAY (the death knell of my ovaries will be sounding loud and clear on that day!) that will surely be terrible days.

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