Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Beyond the EDD

It has been a hard few days but I'm feeling better today.  The EDD went ok, I discussed with DH my plan to "do something" and told him I was thinking of getting balloons and letting them go in memory of Lily.  He got very sad and said that was a good idea, so we did it.  We wrote a short note to her and then went to buy the pink balloons, walked together to the park and released them into the wind, with the note attached.  It was a sad moment because so symbolic in many ways.  First of all the fact that only the two of us were doing this "ceremony" because we are the only ones who really remember her or are affected by this day.  It was sad to watch the balloons float away further and further, and then disappear into a cloud, and then wonder where they were, they were somewhere but too far away to see so that is a lot like our little Lily.  Where did she go?  Her energy just floated off somewhere.  It was painful, but good for us as a couple to get these feelings out and cry together as we watched the balloons.  That is about all that we did, after that we went to have lunch together in a restaurant on the other side of the city.  We usually go there for Easter because that is DH's tradition with his family, it is in the Ukrainian/ Polish part of town and he is part Polish.  But this time we went just the two of us, not with the inlaws, so it was nice.

I called my mother later that day and in the conversation mentioned that it was the EDD and she said oh, yes, well... are we were pregnant again yet?  Oh yeah, I was and forgot to mention it... duh, of course not, we're INFERTILE, remember?  and our IVF failed (I don't think she fully understands what an IVF is) I was getting a bit annoyed.  She then asked if they were SURE that our baby had Down Syndrome, doctors sometimes make mistakes.  And she reminded me that the doctors told her to abort me because she was old and I might have Down Syndrome.  I don't understand how she thought this was a supportive comment to make to me after I tell her it's my EDD.  It just made me mad, I told her well they based that assumption on just her AGE, so that is RIDICULOUS, and with my case they looked at the CHROMOSOMES and there were 3 sets of number 21, so that is a definite diagnosis, unlike in her situation.  Then she said something I didn't even understand but basically she thought there had to be 3 chromosomes because the male has XY and the female has XX so that makes 3, or something, and I was like, what are you talking about?  That is a different chromosome altogether and I'm talking about chromosome 21, then she said she didn't understand and I should just do what I thought was best.  So this was my great talk with my mother, I'm wondering how she could be a nurse and be talking to me like this, and WTF how is this line of discussion even helpful at all?  She is basically questioning if I made a mistake to terminate and maybe there was nothing wrong with my baby.  Thanks, that's what I need to hear today.  I didn't bother to tell her about the balloons, I didn't want to know what her comments about that might be.  I love my mother but she totally does not get the whole infertility thing, the treatments and the diagnoses.  I need to limit what I share with her based on her unhelpful and totally off base observations, such as what happened that day.

I forgot to mention the morning of the EDD was of course another trip to the fertility clinic.  And I was a bit depressed with the news because it did not give us a clear picture or plan of what we are doing or what is going on.  Big surprise!  We had gone in on Saturday to ask the doctor on call about the bleeding and he said something like, well your lining is still intact and I see a follicle, so the cycle is still going.  Come back in 2 days and talk to your real doctor.  Then I got the email reply from my inquiry to the doctor saying to come in the next day, so we did.  The U/S technician saw that my chart said to come back in 2 days and she didn't want to do an ultrasound on me that day.  So I had to argue with her that I had received the email to come in, and since I was there why would I NOT receive an ultrasound, I am trying to find out when I ovulate, and with the bleeding it is making this cycle even more confusing, so the ultrasound would give important information about this.  She said I should talk to the doctor first and then see if I "needed" an ultrasound.  I could just picture that, and I know it would tack on an extra hour to our waiting.  Anyway, long story short, she did the ultrasound but was pissed and totally didn't want to.  And she took forever too, since she was obviously new and didn't really know what she was doing.  It took her about 20 min to do the ultrasound!  She was recording every single tiny follicle, I felt like telling her- just measure the big one, b*tch, the other ones are a waste of time and who cares!  I'm not even doing an IVF this cycle!  I'm just trying to see when the big one ovulates or not.  So I was kind of upset about that, she wasn't very nice and had NO concern at all about my weird bleeding.  Also, when going to get my bloodwork there is one of the technicians who is now massively pregnant, and I was hoping not to get her to draw my blood that day, she just depresses me.  Luckily I did not.  So then I was waiting for the doctor, and a bit worried that she would yell at me for being there instead of waiting until the next day as it said on my chart, even though the nurse had sent an email to come in.  But she didn't.  However, she said it looks like my bloodwork is coming back looking like Day 2 so this could be considered a new cycle.  That means my last cycle was only 11 days long.  That's not a cycle!  That makes no sense!  Then she said maybe the DHEA messed things up, so she wants me to stop taking it right away.  I'm going in tomorrow to find out where things are at now, and if I'm Cycle Day 6 or Cycle Day 17?  She said, well since your progesterone has dropped, that's probably why you started bleeding, normally when you get a drop in progesterone it signals your body to have a period.  My progesterone is now 5.6 so it has finally come down, though still not as low as normal since she said my baseline from other cycles was more like 1.8 or something like that.  Then she said since I'm probably on Day 3, we could start the stims up.  DH and I were like, WHAT?  I don't think so!  We would like this to actually WORK, this sounds way too wacky and I'm sure will end in disaster if we started stims on that cycle.  Then she saw our hesitation and said, well yes, we should wait to get you at more optimal levels, and you do have a cyst still (my follicle is now considered a cyst).  I don't know if the egg that was growing will ever ovulate, or if a new one is going to start growing (since a "new cycle" has supposedly just started) and the old follicle has just pooped out after 11 days, or what.  Maybe I will have a new egg starting and the old one still sitting there, interfering with the new cycle.  Maybe no new egg will start because of the stagnant non-released egg.  So you see, I am very CONFUSED and we left the clinic feeling once again like we are in limbo and waiting until Wednesday to "see what will happen".  So that put me in a low mood for the EDD since there is no immediate hope of getting pregnant, just more waiting, which we have already done too much of, and I'm turning 40 in TWO MONTHS, so this waiting is just such BS, I can't stand it.  We are more resolved than ever to have a child, but I'm just sad that at this point it is looking less and less likely that it will be my genetic child.  So I can say that this Sat and Sunday I was flat out depressed worse than usual and it was not a good feeling. 

Monday was better after returning to work and just getting back into my normal life, and less time reflecting on this stuff.  And today I went out to dinner with my two aunts (one is really a second cousin but I consider her an aunt).  They are lonely old ladies and appreciated our company, and it was one of their birthday's on my actual EDD (March 4) so we went out for her birthday dinner tonight.  I didn't even bring up the EDD and the day was just about her, she was turning 75 and we went to a nice restaurant then back to her place to look at some of her paintings that she was telling us about, before going home. 

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