Sunday, 11 March 2012

Anxiety attack

I went to the clinic today and there is not much news.  I have a follicle that is 12.5 and she isn't sure if it's a new one or the old one.  So I'm going in on Thursday again.  My progesterone is down to 3.6 but she wants it down to 1 for the next cycle. 

On Friday my March Break began, which I thought would be great, however I started my holiday by having a huge anxiety attack on Friday.  DH came home and mentioned that his friend Henry at work got laid off that day.  So he was trying to downplay the fact that he may lose his job since "more cuts are coming".  This is NOT what we need right now, and poor Henry, he is jobless now.  Also, this sounds dumb but I am totally freaked out about my dental procedure that I have gone and booked for Tuesday.  The dentist was saying it's such a routine procedure, blah blah, but I looked it up on the internet and now I am very scared.  It's on my front tooth, because I had a root canal years ago and so the colour has always been slightly off.  DH says it is not noticeable and I should not bother with getting it changed.  The procedure is a veneer, and they need to file away the front of the tooth and put a porcelein model on it.  I just don't like the idea that they are filing away my original tooth, it seems so permanent, and I am having second thoughts.  But the dentist tells me it will look way better than it does now.  I just don't know.  And this is my FACE, so I don't really want to mess it up and look like an idiot for the rest of my life.  Anyway, I have a lot of questions for the dentist, and I am feeling sick thinking that I have made this appointment and now I might not go through with it, I feel like such a wimp.  And also, of course we had to go to the clinic today, so we couldn't go away for the weekend, and of course we got basically "no news" after waiting 2 hours there.  I feel like we are wasting so much time and we must be the least successful patients in the whole clinic.  We keep going back just to find out nothing, and to wait, and then do nothing some more, then come to get our negative beta, then  back for more of nothing.  Why do we even bother to go?  Maybe we have already failed and we need to accept that. 

I feel like such crap, I'm so stressed out and I'm not even able to enjoy some time off since we are still working around clinic visits, and this horrible dentist appt, and the ominous waiting to find out if DH is going to lose his job after coming back from holiday (he has this week off). 

We have tried to do a few things despite the fact that we have not been able to leave town because of the appointments.  We went to a movie last night at the theatre, "Monsieur Lahzar".  It was good, though in French with subtitles, which DH didn't like.  Since I'm a French teacher, it didn't bother me!  It was sad, too, but we were already bummed out so it didn't bring us down.  It was nice to discuss the movie afterwards with him.  One of the themes was grief, one we can relate to!  And today we both worked together on the renovation (well, mostly DH, but I joined in to help in the end) and then we went on a walk down by the water on the Boardwalk by Lake Ontario.  It was a nice day today.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty sad lately, and very worried.  It's not a good feeling.  I'm trying to stay hopeful, buy I'm very worried, and this job thing with DH and the tooth thing that I inflicted upon myself have just pushed me over the edge!  I feel like anxiety has gotten a hold of me, and I can no longer make any decisions, I look to the future with dread, I can't see a way out.  I wonder if I should be on antidepressants after the last few days that I've had.  I am serious! 

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