Monday, 27 February 2012

Waiting...

Well today went ok with the training in the afternoon.  One colleague was confused in the morning because she wasn't aware of the change, but then the rest of it was fine and no one knew the change was because of me anyway, of if they did they didn't say anything.  It is so annoying and hard to plan when you are starting and stopping cycles.  I can't plan ahead for much, like even March Break, which my husband has taken off as holiday to go somewhere with me, now I think we're doing our IVF during that time so we can't book anything away.  We did make some plans for July, though.  We just booked a weekend away to go to his cousin's wedding and we're staying at a fancy little hotel in Ingersoll, Ont.  I'm actually really excited, we're finally GOING somewhere!  Even though it's just a little trip, it is something to look forward to. 

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for a follow up from last cycle.  I'm sure she doesn't even want to talk to us because we were just in to talk to her during cycle monitoring on Sunday, but I would like to have a slightly longer block of time to get to the bottom of a few things.  I am a bit afraid to find out, but I just want to get a clearer picture of how bad things actually are, and what our chances truly are.  I'm afraid they are very bad, and if so I would just like to know and face the truth that maybe I need to move on to donor eggs, or whatever, or make a decision about how many more tries we will do.  I think my husband wants to try a few more times before giving up on my eggs.  This next cycle will tell us a lot about what will come next.  If it is a total disaster I will be so upset, and maybe we will move on sooner. 

I don't even know what I hope to get out of the meeting tomorrow, but I'm hoping it will make me feel a bit better and a bit more in control. 

Later tomorrow I also have an appointment with my counsellor at the fertility centre. 

As I said, last time I was left in the room waiting and I also looked on the doctor's computer screen (I'm so nosey) with myself and all her other patient's bloodwork of the day displayed in a chart.  I saw just how out of whack mine was because her other patients all had progesterone under 5 and mine was 10.6 (and was coming down from over 30) and their FSH was lower and their estrogen was lower.  My levels were just terrible compared to them, I was actually glad that she said to cancel it because I could see that it was not normal, and if she said to go on I would question her ethics.  (ie. continuing despite knowing that it would not work) 

As for trying on our own, I asked the doctor about that and she said first of all if we are doing the "estrogen priming" that is not good if you are expecting and she would not do that on a cycle that you are trying to conceive and also she said since we are doing all this "fancy stuff" (eg. the PGS) to test the embryos, if I got pregnant naturally I may go through what I went through before again.  I have mixed feelings about that, since I'm not such a huge believer in the PGS and the genetic counsellor had said that I have a 1:100 chance of it happening again so I'm hopeful that I won't be hit with this again.  So anyway, she won't be booking us for an IUI or anything but I'm not on birth control either so we'll see what happens, but we are not really trying this month because of those reasons.  It's kind of a bummer because it makes TTC so slow since I can't try every month, only every 2 or 3 months, so it is that much MORE frustrating when it doesn't work.  And of course there's the money, that is just nuts.  I did all my number crunching from last year's expenses and the grand total came to LESS than I anticipated.  I actually don't know how much we spent in all, but I know that AFTER our insurance came back (it covered most of the meds but none of the procedures) we paid out of pocket $25,008.00.  That includes the acupuncture too, which was $4000 (not covered by my stupid insurance).  I'm going to submit this for my income tax.  I've never done that before, so hopefully I won't end up in jail.  It seems crazy to submit $25,000, I'm sure they will want proof.  My pile of receipts is huge and I don't want to part with the originals so I guess I'll be making a whole lot of copies.  That will be fun at work, I'm sure someone will walk in and there will be me, in the middle of 5,000 receipts all around the photocopy room with "Create Fertility Associates" boldly printed across the top of each page.  Embarrassing!!  Anyway, my friend who recently had her baby from her I think 5th IVF attempt has told me that she submitted all her receipts on her income tax and got a huge chunk back.  So I guess it will be worth it.

I am so disappointed because I never got over my BFN and then I was getting hopeful about the new cycle, and now I'm back to that place of failure and despair that I was hoping to leave behind.  But maybe after tomorrow's meeting I will be ready to move forward and try again. 

I really still can't believe it didn't work.  I mean, they were NORMAL embryos, WTF!!!!!  It makes NO SENSE!!!!  I just don't understand.  And the fact that there is no real explanation is so frustrating.  Sometimes a poor quality embryo CAN work, but not this time.  Why not?  Who knows.

And why would I NOT have a lead follicle by day 7 of my cycle.  That is what my body is supposed to do, so it is not aware of this plan to do an IVF that requires no lead follicle.  I would be more concerned if there was no lead follicle because that would mean I am not able to ovulate and that would be a very bad sign!  So the good news of all of this is my body is trying to be normal and is still cycling on it's own. 

So I'll see what happens at the doctor tomorrow, and also on Wednesday I have to go in for a check to see when to start this estrogen patch business.  I'm supposed to start right after I ovulate, which should be this week.

2 comments:

  1. I know how frustrated you feel and wishing your body would just cooperate and be "normal" for once so you can get on with a cycle. I did so much waiting during the last few years and had so many delays and cancled cycles. I am surprised I didn't lose it and get committed to a mental institution! IF is a big waiting game and I HATE it! Hope your appointment goes well today and you get some answers or a plan to start up again. Take care *hugs*

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    1. Thanks so much, Blossom! I need a hug these days! The waiting is AWFUL and as I'm getting close to turning 40 it's driving me even more crazy. I think all of us that have gone through IF deserve a prize for just simply surviving and not ending up in an asylum!! Hugs back to you! :-)

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