Monday, 20 February 2012

Cycle Day 1, again

It has been a really bad week.  I went to my counsellor on the day of my BFN news, so that was pretty good timing that I already had that booked.  I certainly had a lot to talk about.  She mentioned a support group for infertility on Thursday and I decided to go.  It was not the greatest idea since my emotions were a bit too raw to share appropriately.  There were over 20 people there and I became very intimidated for some reason, though obviously we were all there with the same type of problem and everyone was supportive.  The mediator said that we would not be going around asking everyone to tell their story, which is what I thought would happen, so it was more of a free for all.  I mostly listened and I must say it was helpful, however I was embarrassed because my one comment that I made I ended up choking up, barely able to speak as I tried to just tell about my BFN.  So the mediator felt bad and tried to change the topic.  It was embarassing because no one else was so emotional, though certainly everyone there had reason enough to cry just by the facts that they were dryly sharing.  One couple was looking into a surrogate and was having trouble finding one that was appropriate and reliable.  Another were "seasoned veterans" trying for 5 years and they have stopped fertility treatments and were doing adoption.  (I didn't tell them I have been trying almost 8 years now)  Another couple was looking into donor eggs and had selected a donor.  After the meeting was over I spoke to them a bit more, and asked my unanswered questions about the price of donor eggs, etc. and it was quite helpful since they actually go to my clinic.  They said it was $6000 on top of the regular IVF fees, or if you did a shared cycle with another couple it was less.  They said they had previously done PGD and out of their 2 sole embryos from the cycle both were abnormal, so they decided to move on to donor eggs.  Somehow we also talked about changing doctors at our clinic and they said they did that, and all you have to do is sign up with the new doctor on the clipboard and tell him, then make an appointment to do a review.  That was so helpful to know that you can do that, and they actually changed to the same doctor that we wanted to change to (the punctual one) and they said it has reduced their stress since he is more efficient and doesn't leave you waiting and wondering so long in the waiting room (he always arrives 30- 40 min before the other doctors), though they still have not been successful in having a baby yet. 
I feel like I can't go back to that group since I am now known as the looney who started crying.  I anticipated that I would cry and I had lots of Kleenex in my purse ready.  It actually surprised me that no one else was very emotional.  I think I was still very affected by the hormones from my cycle, in my defense! 

There was a lot of debate about whether having a child that is not genetically your own would be ok or not, one couple was really questioning it and I have also been thinking about that so it was a very useful discussion for me.  Two couples were saying, no way, if they can't have their own genetic child then they would rather be childless, others were considering what characteristics would need to be present in a donor, others are actually doing donor sperm or donor eggs, and the one couple was looking to adopt.  The mediator had already adopted 2 children long ago, so there were definitely lots of different points of view present.

I went away for the weekend to my mother's place in Haliburton.  It was nice to have a change of scene.  Though I was a bit stressed because I have to go back to the clinic on "Day 2" and of course, who knows when day 2 will be?  I stopped my progesterone and estrace on Tuesday, and according to my notes last April when I had my chemical pregnancy, AF came 3 days later.  So when it hadn't arrived by Friday (which was 3 days later) I was thinking maybe if I went away and then I would have to drive 2 hours back right away... it would be hard to explain to my mother also.  Hi I'm here but oh, I just got my period, I have to leave now!  I wonder why mother nature hates me so much and I can't even have a long weekend away????  But I went anyway, and decided to come back for day 3 if it happened, that would be good enough.  However the whole weekend passed with no AF, so we didn't have to leave early.  Wow, thanks mother nature.  Now can you please provide me with a baby??????  That would be more useful.  So I just got AF today, which was just as we were leaving the cottage anyway, and so I'll go in to the clinic tomorrow.  And on Friday I had left supply teacher plans on my desk already, just in case (since my life is so friggin unpredictable), so this is going to work out well.  I am just hoping that the doctor will have something encouraging to say to me and not make me feel worse than I already do from this failed cycle with my two last "normal" embryos.  Why the hell did they fail?  I'm sure she has no idea.  I'm worried that it is my endometriosis or some sort of not yet diagnosed immune problem, or something toxic about my uterus lining that is killing the embryos.  How on earth did the T21 embryo stick if that is the case?  And if it was just that the embryos were terrible quality, although "healthy", how on earth am I going to make a "better quality" embryo?  I would like to hear more about that.

Getting back to my weekend, I meant to describe that...  My husband and I went snowshoeing through the woods and it was really beautiful.  This week has been so hard on us as a couple, having our dreams crushed, *AGAIN*, that it was a good time to rediscover a little bit of romance and time alone.  We also saw a deer running across the frozen lake. 

Oh, I had a few stories from last week that I meant to tell.  First of all, my principal popped in on Friday and asked how my interviews were going.  I said "fine", then he asked if "everything else" was going ok.  I told him no, it was not going ok, I had received bad news this week that my IVF had failed and that took 6 months of waiting to set up and cost $16,000.  He said "oh, sorry.  There are other people here going through that too".  And then he darted off.  He is such a jerk, he doesn't even take a minute to talk to me about this.  And I know about the "other people" and they have not been through half the shit that I have been through.  Yes, there is the "other" IVF girl who did a failed FET in December.  That costs $2,000, not $16,000.. AND she already HAS one baby from her first IVF which was successful.  Also, there is the secretary who has been doing IVFs and has stopped.  That does suck a lot, but this whole tx thing puts it to a whole new level of horror.  And yes, I know that my principal himself is trying to adopt a child and announced to the staff last year that he is "adoption ready" and may be receiving a child any time.  (Him and his gay partner)  A year has passed, and there has not been a happy announcement from him either.  Somehow I feel worse off than all of these people, and I just wanted him to know why I am so miserable and probably not functioning fully at work.  However, he is not all that understanding so the message he is sending is "suck it up, we are all having problems" and not to bother him with any details or excuses. 

The other story I had was about my colleague and how CLUELESS she is.  On Friday (this was a PA day to do interviews with the parents, so the kids weren't there) she came by at lunch time and I said, oh I'm going to leave for lunch too, so we decided to go together to the cafe next door.  (I hardly ever do this)  So we're eating lunch and chatting and eventually I tell her about my IVF, etc. She had good intentions, but she is so DUMB.  She said in France, where she is from, women are told to prevent miscarriages by taking precautions such as not driving a car after they find out they are pregnant.  She asked if the doctor had told me this before I lost the last one (at work I told everyone it was a "miscarriage" caused by chromosomal abnormalities because I didn't want to announce about having a termination to the whole friggin world.  My close friends and family know about the tx though).  I was like, are you kidding?  The baby I lost (last August) was CHROMOSOMALLY ABNORMAL and would NEVER be a healthy baby, even if I didn't drive a car, or ate only organic food, or sat on my head, or went on bed rest for 9 months.  She totally didn't get that miscarriages were not caused by what you "did" MOST OF THE TIME.  I told her, sure, I wouldn't go skydiving or run a marathon while pregnant, but if your baby has the wrong chromosomes, there is no way that changing your behaviour will make it better.  I said this to her in a polite way, but I was pretty pissed.   I was annoyed because of her personality, which is a "know it all" and extremely pompous, and she doesn't like being corrected, even when like in this case, she was clearly wrong.  It is hard for me to get along with her, and the only reason I try is that we teach the same grade and are supposed to be working together.  She is constantly reminding everyone that she has her PhD in sociology, and used to be a sociology professor, and her father was a doctor in France famous for being the youngest doctor in their town (he started young since he was such a super genius) and the oldest doctor in the town (he kept working well past normal retirement age).  Despite the fact that her father is a doctor, and this makes her think that she is an authority on medicine, she asked me about the IVF and seriously she said why did they only keep it in the dish 6 days, can't they grow the baby for 9 months in vitro?  I'm like, are you kidding?  You think you can grow a fully developed baby in a test tube????    I'm like, no....., you CAN'T grow a baby for 9 months in a test tube.  After 6 days if it isn't back in a uterus the embryo starts to die.  It needs to attach to a mother's body to live. 
I don't know why I find this woman so IRRITATING!  And she was trying to be supportive.  She just really rubs me the wrong way, she has so much of this wrong, and it doesn't really matter to her anyway.  All of this fertility treatment stuff is so foreign to her, but it has become the centre of my LIFE, which I hate.  I wish I could be ignorant and non-chalant about it like her, but I need to be fully informed to navigate through this nightmare labyrinthe and PRAY to find my way out by making well informed decisions and sticking to a wise course of action.  Right now I'm just lost and in the dark, and we're back at square one, cycle day 1 once again. 

Ok, I'm going to go to bed now to get ready to get up early for the clinic tomorrow.

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