Sunday, 26 February 2012

Cycle cancelled

Well, the cycle is cancelled.  I'm pretty angry and disappointed.  I guess we could have gone on, but the doctor thought it would be a waste of money since things weren't looking optimal.  By today I had a lead follicle already, and my estrogen had gone to 441, and the progesterone was at 10.6 (she wanted it under 10).  She said the progesterone would mess up the lining since it is present at the wrong time in the cycle.  However, she said since we are not doing the IVF this cycle she will use the cycle for "estrogen priming" and start that next week.  She said it will be good for preparing the next cycle and it makes the eggs and the lining "juicier". 

I don't know why I even bother getting my hopes up anymore.  I am always getting bad news.  I don't understand why things just can't work out.  Or why I can't be happy and satisfied with how things have turned out, I am just not.  I feel sick with anxiety that this will never work for me, and then the news I get from my doctor reinforces this fear.  It is such an uncomfortable feeling, I wish it would go away.  And I feel so alone, most people are not going through this or understand it at all so I can't share very much with people in my everyday life.  And how unfair and crappy that some people have to go through so much, and others right next to them go through nothing and just have everything they want handed to them, when they want it.  These people make it so much worse!  Like the girl at my work who is in the next room and got pregnant on what I think was her first try, and of course has no complications, etc.  I think I can get through the next month of waiting, but seeing her progressing along is going to be so hard, because during that same time I am not getting any closer to having a baby.  I'll be getting closer to having a juicy lining with this estrogen priming, but that is not my goal.  I want a baby, not a great egg or lining, or progesterone level.  It seems like such a FAR OFF goal.  Sorry, I feel so hopeless today.  I am miserable, and I'm just embracing that for the time being.

I bought some more CoQ10 today.  It was actually "Weber Naturals" brand that I have and they are on sale 50% off right now at Rexall. 

I'm glad at least that with this "estrogen priming" it is supposed to hurry this cycle along and end it on time, because I was concerned that my last natural cycle was 44 days long.  I think at this point if I have to wait for a cycle like that I will go insane! 
I'm supposed to have a "follow up" with my doctor on Tuesday to talk about the last failed cycle.  I want to know how much hope she has for me and what I should be doing next.  I don't know what's really going on and it's making me stressed.  Also, today when we were waiting for the bloodwork that wasn't ready she went off to talk to another patient, and I looked through my file while she was gone (well, the top few pages).  I saw that my FSH was 9.8 this cycle on Day 2, and in November it was 7.5 and last April it was 5.6.  That is freaking me out how it is rising and she has not even commented on that!  However, this cycle was a mess and I don't even know if my day 2 was a real day 2 because it was a week late and my progesterone was so high.  I don't know how bad a 9.8 is anyway, is that bad?

I'm going to watch the Oscars for a bit at my friend's house, but I don't really care who wins so I'll leave early (it always goes so late!)

Oh, here's another stupid complication:  Last week I told my vice-principal that I might be out on Monday morning for a medical appointment but I wasn't sure.  She had a training booked for that time so I told her to put me in the afternoon.  So she went and moved my whole grade team to the afternoon with the older grades (we should have been in the morning with the younger grades) so the groupings are now messed up.  I told her again on Friday I wasn't sure if I needed to be away Monday and I wouldn't find out until I went to the doctor on Sunday.  She said it didn't matter, she would just leave it like that.  So now of course I DON'T need to be there on Monday morning.  I imagine at the training my team will be wondering and asking why our group got put to the afternoon.  I don't know what to say to them.  Who would understand this?  "Well I thought I would need to be in for monitoring my short protocol IVF cycle, but it is cancelled because my progesterone is too high and I have a lead follicle"-- Yeah, right.  It is so hard to explain this shit to people!  "I thought I would need a medical treatment, but I'm going in tomorrow instead"  It just sounds weird, I will probably just say nothing, and that is weird too.

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