Sunday, 22 January 2012

Prep for FET, many fears

I woke up yesterday feeling terrified.  I'm afraid this cycle will fail and then I won't know what to do.  I'm afraid I will never feel relaxed and comfortable with myself, that I will be stuck on this island of IF and baby loss forever.  I'm just hanging on to a thread of hope that I may be able to leave, and I feel that thread unravelling.  I think I had some weird nightmare that night, too, but I can't exactly remember it.  I had another night sweat, completely soaking the sheets so I was wet and uncomfortable.  I have asked my RE about this previously and she said it's because of hormone fluctuations.  I don't think she understands how freakish this is to wake up and feel like someone has poured 2 gallons of water all over you while you were asleep.  I had to change my pyjamas, that were drenched, and also put down a towel to continue sleeping on, since I got up too early and it was gross to go back to sleep in cold, wet sheets.  This weird sweating makes me so afraid that there is something terribly wrong with me and I'm going through menopause, and my doctor doesn't care.  My GP asks me if I have the heat up too high or too many covers on.  I think if that were the case I would sweat every night and so would DH, but his side of the bed is bone dry, there is something wrong with ME!  I would like to know WHAT, and fix it!

I'm afraid of giving up on using my own eggs, but I need to move on at some point if the IVFs are not working.  I'm bad at making decisions like when is enough enough?  I feel like I've been drifting along for too long already.  I also feel angry at my RE for not stepping this up years ago and letting this process draw out ridiculously long.  I feel very alone with all this failure and grief and anxiety.  I wonder why or when my life became a lightning rod for bad luck and people probably think they will have bad luck too if they are near me. 

We got ready and went to the clinic.  I hate that place, but it's our only hope, so it's with mixed feelings that we go there.  It's like a factory with too many people and frequent screw ups.  I'm pissed at people who seem to breeze through that place and after a few visits are pregnant and rubbing their bellies in the waiting room.  I'm pissed at people with thin files, who don't know what they are supposed to do (take a number, sign up on the three clip boards, sit over there).  My file is like a giant brick now.  I know people see that file and look at me and think I must be a lost cause.  I'm also pissed at the staff who look at me and you can see on their faces the confusion ("what are you doing here?  Weren't you just pregnant?")  I got a different doctor this time, since my doctor was not in.  He asked those exact questions:  "I was wondering why you were in, I thought maybe you had a question because I thought you were pregnant"  I'm here for cycle day 2, yes I was pregnant, but... 

This doctor is so kind, I actually like him better than my real RE.  I wish I could switch to him but I don't even ask because I'm sure there would be issues with that and he would say no.  He was very compassionate and asked about how we were doing since we lost our baby, and he said he was very sorry.  I asked about my chances with these two poor quality embryos and he said that since they have been tested that is ALL that matters.  Normally embryo quality is graded on the visual appearance and that the chromosomal health is inferred by that, but often it is wrong, like in my case where an embryo that looks normal can make it quite far along before finding the problem and losing the pregnancy.  So he reassured me that the testing was a good idea, and it was great to know that I WAS cabable of making healthy embryos.  The nurse later was also reassuring, saying my FSH was good at 5.6 since some women at the clinic had much higher and had to take other meds to try to bring it down.  I left feeling more positive than usual about these things:  Good FSH!  I CAN make healthy embryos!  I have 2!  We're going to keep trying until this works!   ... but I was still a bit anxious. 

I've started my Estrace, 2 pills 3 times a day, also Baby Aspirin once a day, and my Thyroid meds once a day (1 1/2 pills).  Cautiously preparing myself for FET this cycle, hopefully.  I'm going back to the clinic in 8 - 10 days for a lining check.  Then the transfer should be on day 17 or so, when the lining looks right.

After my visit, I realized I forgot to ask a whole bunch of questions.  I suppose I got sidetracked with explaining to the doctor about my termination and receiving his condolences, etc. so I forgot about my concerns for this cycle.  I meant to ask about the freakish sweating- maybe he would have had a better answer about that, since I already know what my doctor has to say about it.  And I had some cysts last cycle, and this time I saw them again on the screen of the ultrasound.  I forgot to ask him what that means and if it would have a negative impact on this cycle.  My doctor had said before to take a month off partly to let the cysts come down, it looks like they haven't.  And I meant to ask why did I have such a long cycle??  It was 43 days long.  Is that bad?  What does it mean?  I should write this down so I remember to ask when I go in next time, though that's in a week so I doubt the answers will be of relevance by then.  I'm just afraid that this cycle might get cancelled and I'll have more waiting.  I that happens I will be soooo frustrated! 

I'm afraid for this year because of the many milestones coming up.  Of course I'd like it to be the greatest year ever by getting a BFP and a baby that comes home.  But if that doesn't happen then this year will be crap because I'm turning 40 this year, in May.  I can't see getting through that without totally freaking out.  Really.  Also my EDD is coming on March 4th.  That will be very tough, I especially won't want to hear about any other babies born around then.  I forsee a meltdown.  And Mother' Day in May will be awful.  Last year I felt terrible and freaked out, I can only imagine this year would be worse.  Am I a mother or not?  I'm sure most people in my life think I am not, though I still have videos of my baby on my camera.  I don't even want to think about Christmas and the holidays.  This year scares me a lot.

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