Monday, 17 December 2012

Waiting for baby - 37 weeks

I am now at 37 weeks and a few days...  At the last check with the OB, at 36 weeks, the baby had turned from breech back to head down, so hopefully he stays like that.  I started to go to weekly acupuncture, and this is supposed to help "ripen" the cervix.  We met with our doula last week, too.  She will help with the birth, and maybe a bit of post-partum care too (ie., helping with breastfeeding, etc)  It is hard to believe that the baby could arrive any time now.  I really just don't believe it.  I am not ready.  I don't have my hospital bag packed yet, and I do need to get that done.  I just don't believe I will really need it, but I have to snap out of this mindset.  Friday was my last day at work and I am still trying to unwind from that whirlwind of trying to tie up a million loose ends.  I even went in today at 7:30 am to do a few more things, before everyone got to work, because over the weekend I remembered a few things that I had forgotten.  I also called the teacher at lunch time to go through a few more forgotten details-  I had not taken down the work of a student who is moving, so I asked her to do that and put it in an envelope to mail to him.  To top it off, tomorrow is our strike day, and although I am on leave, the union has phoned me and I am supposed to go and drop off coffee and donuts if possible, to the picketers.  So I really feel like I am still at work, at least for a few more days. 
I need to make a list of things to do, because I don't have much direction...  pack that bag, keep on with the reorganizing at home.  We changed our spare room into a nursery, nearly complete, and we need to change our "office" into a spare room.  This sounds simple, but the office is an open area that used to be a bedroom, but the previous owners took down one wall because it was such a small bedroom.  So it works very well as an office/ sitting area, but as a bedroom it doesn't make much sense since it has no privacy.  We are going to get a daybed from IKEA (which, although very compact, just barely fits in the space) and see how that looks. 
I have a few added stresses that are pretty dumb, but still weighing on my mind.  My mother decided to "treat" us to a show instead of buying Christmas gifts this year.  I told her I don't think I would like to go to a show, since I will be at the point when I will go into labour at any moment, and it will probably be uncomfortable sitting for hours when I am 38+ weeks pregnant.  She went ahead and bought the tickets anyway.  And it is a "black light show" put on by mentally challenged people.  I am just confused about her motivation for doing this.  I did not say anything to her, but I'm thinking this is obviously going to be a trigger for me and DH, since we TERMINATED a DS pregnancy last year!!!!!!  Did she forget???  Is this some way of her showing us that we made a mistake, and look at these happy DS people putting on a show.  Obviously I have nothing against DS people and I am glad they are putting on a show and doing things in the community, but I can just picture myself sitting there, feeling like shit, thinking of my little daughter Lily- maybe she could have been one of the actors if I had chosen to keep her... WHY would my mother think this is a great gift..... and not give us any gifts after that, to top it off?????   Especially with a new baby on the way, there are lots of things she could buy since we are not set up to have a baby here.  She does not seem to have much interest in the new baby, I don't know why.   I have not even told DH about these feelings, but I just wanted to vent here.  I don't get what my mother is doing, and is she just clueless, or does she think I have no feelings, or simply need to be educated about DS people or something....  Maybe she just innocently thinks it's a nice idea for a present, but I see it as a kind of inconsiderate choice, especially since I said I didn't really want to go to any show since I am so pregnant and not comfortable with sitting.  What is her f***g problem????   For her present should I take her to a show about a woman whose husband was killed in a motorcycle accident (that is how my father died)?  Would that not be f***g rude????
Also, this will sound dumb, but I have a pushy hairdresser who has been doing a great job on my hair, but the last two times I went she kind of screwed up... she coloured it too dark the first time and I had to go back and get it lightened a bit because it was just depressing me that she killed all of my highlights, then last time she chopped my bangs way too short.  So now I have an appointment to go back, which I tried to cancel and I told her I'll just come in January after the baby.  She would NOT take no for an answer, and said no, I would not want to come after the baby was here and I will feel so much better to just get it done now, and she will book me for next week instead.  So now I have to cancel again, and admit to her that my hair is too short and I want it to grow in.  I don't know how to tell her this without her knowing that I don't like how she did my hair.  I just don't want to hurt her feelings since she is trying to be a friend to me and has invited me to her family Christmas party, and to brunch, etc.  It is just awkward. 
Contrasting to these "problems" is the shocking news of the school shooting in Connecticut.  I don't even have words for that... I can't imagine what those parents are going through, the crushing grief and shock, the senselessness of it all.  Why do these things happen?  It makes me so angry that there are "gun enthusiasts" who think it is fine to have guns for recreational use...  I will never agree that this is ok.  I have never even held a gun, so I don't get how people can "love" guns.  And why is there not more support for mentally ill people, it is scary how these deinstitutionalised sick people are wandering the streets.  My mom's friend has a son who is bipolar and violent.  She was distraught the other day when I went to drop something off for her, because her son, who is off his meds, had threatened to kill his friend/ roomate with an axe, because he thought he was stealing from him (he was not).  So she called the police on him, and had him admitted against his will to the hospital, once again, in the middle of the night.  They will keep him there a few weeks, medicate him, then release him again.  It drives her crazy that this will not stop until something terrible happens, and he will probably end up in jail.  She is horrified that she can't control him and he won't take his meds, and he is more and more violent (he is in his 40s).  No one can do anything about it, and why not????  This is just wrong.  Since we HAVE medications and counselling available, this should be systematically given and not have dangerous people choosing to not take it, at the risk of the public.  I could be wrong, but obviously this man who did this horrific act of senseless violence was someone who was very sick, dangerous, and there should have been some intervention before it got to the point that he snapped like that.  Surely there were warning signs, and escalating behaviours.  We need to take responsibility for these people in our society, and it should not just be a family member trying to control them, because this is just too much for one person to take on.  My mom's friend was crying to me, saying "I have no support.... I can't look after my bipolar son and also my husband (who has dementia)...."  They don't listen to her, but she is responsible for them.  How is this fair??
I can't imagine how sad it is for the parents, who have to go on without their little children.  They probably have all the Christmas gifts under the tree, ready for them...  What are they going to do with those now?  How can they celebrate?  This is just the most cruel act....  There is just no understanding it, and it scares me that we live in a world where this can happen.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

34 weeks - breech position?

Things have been going fine.  I have changed my diet to keep the glucose levels in check and as a result I have stayed the same weight for many weeks now.  I am 183 lbs now, and that is the same as week 25!  But the doctor says that is ok and the baby is measuring correctly.  However, he is in a complete breech position (I had an ultrasound yesterday, to measure the .growth).  So there is still time for him to flip back (he was in the correct position before), but if he does not move back head down in 2 weeks the doctor will try to manually flip him.  And if that doesn't work, I will have to have a c-section.  Just the day before we had talked to a doula about hiring her for the birth (she is our prenatal class instructor), so it will be a shame to have to cancel that.  But as long as the baby comes out healthy, that is all that really matters.  I am not one of those people who will not feel like a "real woman" if I don't have a vaginal birth, with no drugs.  I don't really care, I just want whatever is less risk for the baby and myself.  A c-section has a longer recovery, so it is not ideal, but it was the way that I was born, so I am not that against it.  And the thing about the doula is that it is quite expensive, so I just want to know if we're hiring her or not, since it is $950 (includes the birth, a visit beforehand, and post birth visit to help with breastfeeding, etc), and if I have a c-section I will not need that, except maybe some post-care.  I do think having a doula would be good emotional support if I had to do a vaginal birth, since the prenatal classes got me a bit worried (after watching the movies of childbirth.... oy!) and I know I will be afraid since I have not been through it before and don't know much about it. 
There is some stupid stuff at work going on, like now with our union job action we are all going to be receiving letters of reprimand in our file for submitting "incomplete" report cards - our union directed us to write only the marks and one line of comments on each page, instead of filling up all the boxes with detailed comments.  We are supposed to grieve these letters, and I will have to find out more about how to do that.
However, I have only 16 more working days until my leave starts.  So I need to start packing up my personal and valuable belongings in the next few weeks. 

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

30 weeks - Impaired Glucose Tolerance

I did not pass the 2 hour test :-(  but it wasn't so bad as to be in the category of gestational diabetes.  However, the doctor said that I had impaired glucose tolerance and she will send me for nutritional counselling.  It could develop into gestational diabetes if my glucose level doesn't stay in check.  The baby is measuring slightly large, in the 77th percentile (50th percentile being an average baby) so still within normal, but she doesn't want him getting too big.  Also, I did not pass the pee stick test, which I had always passed up until this point.  There are two little colours on the end of the stick, one is for protein, which I usually get a trace reading, and the other is for glucose.  I was always worried about the protein (after all, it is much more serious of a problem) and the glucose never even showed a trace before.  But this week it changed to the second last colour on the scale, so quite high for that test.  I don't know how this changed so quickly/ abruptly. 
I'm going next week for the nutritional counselling, some lady called and left a message today for me to join some sort of diabetes education class. 
I also had a growth scan on the day at the hospital, and that went fine.  We were relieved that aside from measuring slightly large, there were no abnormalities.  In fact the technician was questioning why we were there and made me feel kind of bad, like I'm wasting their valuable time by my whimsical wish to see the baby.  He didn't offer to print us any pictures and frankly we didn't feel comfortable asking him because of the vibes he was giving off.  We didn't want to get yelled at so we were content to just see the baby.  Me just for a few fleeting moments, because most of the time the screen was out of view, and although I was straining to see, the technician turned it further away.  Sheesh!  He showed it to me at the end for a few moments.  I could see the baby's head, and it looked very cute.  Also he showed us the lips and nose, to confirm that he does not have cleft lip.  I didn't see much of anything else, and we were rushed out the door to wait for the doctor's analysis.  The doctor came a bit later and said she had a slight concern about the heartbeat and wanted to do a non-stress test for 20 minutes to see the pattern over a longer time.  So I was hooked up to a machine that measured the heartbeat and the fetal movement as well as uterine contractions.  Unfortunately, I kept coughing, because of my cold, so it was showing up as contractions on the test.  But that did not really matter, it just made it hard to tell if I was having a "real" contraction or not.  The heartbeat was supposed to get above a certain level at least twice, and it did, so the doctor sent me on my way. 
This evening DH and I went to the infant/child CPR and First Aid course (3 hours, at night).  It was good, but a real repetition of what I already knew from years of lifeguarding, and I used to work as a first aid instructor also during the summer, way back when.  A few things have changed, though, it is good to get updated.  I'm more looking forward to the regular Prenatal classes, which we will take next month.  I think I will learn more there, since I don't have too much knowledge or experience around those topics (childbirth and newborn care). 
Well, I hope that I learn more about what to eat at the dietary counselling next week.  I feel bad every time I eat something because I wonder what it is doing to my blood sugar level.  I don't even know what to buy, and for sure our house is stocked with the "wrong" kind of food for a low glycemic index.  Need to research that topic a bit.  Also, I need to get rid of this horrible cold.  It hurts to cough.  I'm taking tomorrow afternoon off to rest.  I probably need more time, but I am not organized enough at work to take more than that right now.  I feel like I'm getting behind and things are falling off my plate as it is.
As for the baby, he is moving around a lot.  Even during the first aid class, I would look down and see my stomach moving around, because the baby was changing positions. 
I wish we had gotten a picture from the ultrasound.  I will ask next time, whenever that is.  I don't know, this time I really got a sense that I was going to be told off just for asking, so I didn't go for it. 

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Glucose 2 hour test - 29 weeks

So I found out that I actually did fail the 1 hour glucose test, though it took them a week and a half to get back to me, so I thought I was in the clear.  I had to redo the test, this time a 2 hour glucose test.  I just did that today.  I'm at 28 weeks now, by the way, almost 29 weeks (in 2 days).  It went fine, except at the 2nd hour mark (my 3rd blood draw) they forgot to call me, and when I went to ask about it the technician said "we already did you", and I was like "no, you didn't".  I had to argue with her and finally she did take my blood, but it was 7 minutes late, so I hope that doesn't matter.  All the other blood draws were exactly on time, so I am a bit pissed that this lady nearly screwed up my test - if I had just sat there in the waiting room they never would have called me at all.  I had already been waiting there for 2 hours and taken a 1/2 day off work, plus I was fasting, so I did not want to have redo the test because they got my paper mixed up and thought they already did it.  They actually took someone else 10 minutes earlier than their listed time, so I'm not sure how exact these time sensitive tests are supposed to be.  I was glad to get out of there.  I hope I pass this one, otherwise I will have to change my diet I guess.  Hopefully they don't lose my results, it was such a mad house there today at the blood lab!  And everyone was so impatient and angry, it was not a good atmosphere. 
I had a terrible dream last night that I delivered 2 babies early, one was way too small and the other one couldn't breath, though I tried to help him.  I woke up so relieved that it was just a dream, it seemed very real.
We bought a car seat and it is sitting in our living room in a box.  I also bought some small diapers on sale.  I wasn't sure which ones to get, there is a lot of variety!  Next month we are starting our prenatal classes at the hospital.  Hopefully I will feel more confident after taking the classes.
I feel a combination of excitement and extreme anxiety these days.

Monday, 8 October 2012

27 weeks, 2 losses, vision issues, glucose test

The weeks are passing more quickly, I think since I've been at work the time goes more quickly.  Also, I hardly ever have a checkup so there is not much to report on.  Last week I went in for my glucose test for gestational diabetes.  I had a weird sugary orange pop that they gave me and an hour later they drew blood to see how my body had processed it, I suppose.  I have not heard back, so I guess that means I passed? 
Also, last weekend I had a weird problem with my vision.  I came home after going swimming and looked in the mirror, and could only see the left side of my face.  There was part of my vision that just wasn't there, and on the edge I started seeing flashing lights.  At first I thought I was imagining it, but then it got worse.  I tried to read some writing and I could only see some letters and they were moving around.  It was both fascinating and very scary, since I had never had anything like that happen before.  I wondered what to do, but then it did get better and after half an hour it was back to normal.  I mentioned it to my doctor at the appointment and she said I should have gotten medical help right away, next time.  But she took my blood pressure and it was fine, and also my urine did not have protein, so that is good that it was not pre-eclampsia (which is what my internet Dr. Google had presumed).  She said it sounded either like a migrane aura, or a problem with my retina, and since it had not come back it was probably a migrane.  I have never had that before.  Apparently it is brought on by stress, so I guess I am more stressed out than I realize?  And I guess just being pregnant is stressful, especially at my age, so I should take it more easy.
I got terrible news today about a friend at work.  She was also pregnant and had been having some bleeding/ spotting, had taken some time off work, and I just found out she lost her baby over the weekend.  I am just in shock, these things are just not supposed to happen!  I think she was 20 weeks along, and I believe she had an L&D, how horrifying!  I was getting worried about her when she had been gone all week from work, and I heard she might not be in next week either, so I called her but got no answer.  What a terrible time she must be going through!
I am also still processing bad news from another friend who was supposed to have her baby in October (about now, I guess) but had some major problems and lost her baby one week before we were going to go to her baby shower, at the end of August.  She was 34 weeks along and I just can't imagine how awful that loss must have been, plus to go through a L&D knowing that the baby was not going to be coming home.  We found out later that they terminated and I know how difficult that decision making process is, how gut-wrenching and sickening it makes you feel.  At such a late stage, we can only guess what the f**k happened, we are angry on their behalf, how could the doctors not have caught this earlier, how could they get that far and how awful to have to deliver at full term like that.  How does anyone get over something like that?  I don't know how they survived it.  Apparently their baby had problems with its arms, spine, brain, face...  I just don't understand, but the bottom line is they lost their baby and it was extremely traumatic. 
Then there's me, 6 months pregnant and I know how hard it is for these friends to have lost their baby and see another pregnancy continue on.  I have been there so I know.  That doesn't make it easier, I feel like I don't know how to be helpful or compassionate.  I would like to reach out to them but it is hard.  For my friend who lost her baby at the end of August I sent a card and a booklet about grieving baby loss that I had found helpful last year when I lost my baby (though not at that very late stage, like her).  My friend who lost her baby this weekend, I don't know, I am going to send her a message but it is hard.  She has already written me a message thanking me for my call on the weekend and to say that she knows I understand her loss because of what happened to me last year, and that she is still happy for me now and sees me as an example of hope.  So I will write back to acknowledge her message, really I can't believe she wrote something so coherent and proper after just losing her child.  I don't know if I could have written such a message, in her shoes, but everyone is different I suppose.

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Anatomy Scan - 19 weeks

I had my anatomy scan this week, so leading up to that I was quite nervous.  I had trouble sleeping and lots of weird nightmares, not related to pregnancy, but just disturbing in general and revealing the anxiety working constantly in the back of my mind, which comes out in my dreams.  The scan apparently went fine.  I have to trust that the u/s technician did a good and thorough job because she would not let me see the screen until the end, and made no comments during the scan, except to ask if we wanted to know the gender.  She told us it was a boy.  I was trying to see from her expression if she was seeing anything unusual or bad on the scan, but I could not tell.  DH was there and he had the benefit of seeing the screen during the whole thing.  He tried to discreetly pull out the camera but the u/s tech said "no pictures!" without even turning around, having heard the beep of him turning the camera on.  At the end, after 1/2 hour of her clicking and beeping with her probe, she "let us see" for a minute, the baby squirming around.  I was glad to see that it was moving around and it seemed to have all the right parts-  a spine, head, arms, legs, beating heart...  She sent us to wait while a doctor reviewed the pictures.  I'm not sure which doctor, but I did see the doctor that was our genetic counsellor and who did our CVS last time, walking around in full scrubs just before we went for the scan with the tech.  I wondered if he recognized me as we walked by to go to the u/s room, however it has been a year since I saw him and he must have seen a million other patients since then.  So as we waited there I was hopeful the scan results would be ok, but a bit scared during that wait.  I asked DH what he had seen and he said it looked ok to him.  After 1/2 hr the tech came back and said it was ok, the doctor was fine with the pictures and we could go.  We were happy, but then I was thinking- does this just mean the pictures are clear and don't need to be redone, or does it mean all the parts of the baby are normal?  We had to go to the OB in another part of the hospital after the scan.  I was hoping that there was no bad news relayed to her that she needed to break to me then.  However when she saw us she was so relaxed and unconcerned about everything.  She said the scan was normal and also the bloodwork screened negative (I know this just means I am low risk, which is great, but is not a diagnostic test).  I asked her the numbers for the bloodwork and she said for T21 (which I had last time after screening 1:8) I was 1:1400 and for Spina Bifida I was 1:54000.  I was glad to hear that I was low risk for SB because my PGS did not test for this.  She never told me the results of the screening for T13/18...  I suppose she didn't even think I knew what that was, and I guess I should have asked her for those results... Last time my bloodwork showed 1:2 for T18/13- a shocking result!- and I did not end up having either, so I was curious to know how it went this time....  however, I had a LONG list of other questions so I let that slide to fit in all my other questions before annoying the hell out of her.  BTW, if I hadn't had any questions the meeting would have been super short because she pretty much had nothing to say except "everything looks fine, see you in four weeks".  I asked her if I needed an amnio, and she said in her opinion, no.  I guess with the PGS and also the negative screening bloodwork, and the clear anatomy scan, that is fine.  No, I don't know 100% that the baby is normal, but it looks very likely that this is so.  I asked many other questions, mainly about the health of the baby and should I be concerned about this and that.  She said there were no concerns, however made a little joke to say that you can never really relax and not worry until they are married, and even then the worry continues.  So I guess that is funny, but I don't think she understands there is worry and then there is WORRY, and having been faced with 1:2 for chromosomal defects and then BEING the one, that changes one's perspective.  However, we are glad to now accept that, according to her, we have just the "little worries" to face, most other bad things that could happen are very unlikely to occur, so not really worth thinking about much. 

We got one more little printout of the ultrasound for the fridge.  Now we are daring to move on and think about things like picking a name and decorating the nursery.  And since we know it's a boy we can buy some clothes and other things, eventually. 

We let our families know that we are having a BOY and they are happy.  I think DH's family is the most excited about the pregnancy, which is strange because they have been the least supportive during all the infertility treatments and years of struggle up until now.  They totally didn't get it and would say all the dumb things that make infertile people cringe, advice like "maybe you should relax more", and "have you thought about going on a cruise?", and the worst one "well, you know, some people aren't meant to be mothers".  Meanwhile, my own mother has gone the opposite way.  She is only semi interested in the pregnancy, perhaps she is waiting to see if it really pans out.  She was so supportive when the last pregnancy went terribly and was there during my grieving process with kind words, etc.  But now, as she serves me rotten expired cheese when I visit her, and I tell her I can't eat that because I'm pregnant, she is more concerned about wasting the cheese and says grumpily "it's perfectly fine" rather than showing concern for the baby and following the recommendations of my doctor.  I knew that my pregnancy would be hard for my infertile and/or childless friends to put up with, but I never thought that my own mother would have some issue with it.  I thought she would just simply be thrilled, it is her grandchild after all, but I really don't think that's the case.  DH has noticed it too.  He says that my mother is kind of like "oh, you're pregnant, that's nice.  Hey look, my favourite show is on tv now!"  She mentioned to me a few weeks ago how she never even took vitamins during her pregnancies.  Plus she never had any ultrasounds, because I guess in the 70s they didn't do them.  The subtext she is saying is "and look, it all came out fine.  What is wrong with you that you need to have so much care and attention, and coddling from doctors, drastic and expensive medical interventions that never even used to exist, and ONLY after all that you are able to have a baby, unlike the rest of us women that never had that help".  I don't know if that is what she really thinks, but I get a sense of disapproval from her and I think it has to do with how much we have relied on modern medicine, while she had to struggle with nothing to have her babies and in fact had terrible doctors in her opinion, that she had to argue with to get basic care during her deliveries. 

Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand... I am glad that the scan is behind me, and the doctor says I don't need another one to clarify anything, so I guess that is good.  I have to trust that they did not cut any corners and everything really is clearly fine.  So my next appointment is in a month, and I guess no scan.  So far she said my blood pressure and thyroid are fine.  My TSH is at 1.04 which is good since the RE wanted it under 2.5.  This OB does not seem to care about the thyroid level anyway.  At the next appointment we will do bloodwork for gestational diabetes, etc, and retest the thyroid. 

DH and I signed up for some prenatal classes at the hospital.  That will start in November.  I still had to just ask about the cancellation policy for the classes, since we paid on the spot.  The lady asked, "why, do you think you might cancel?" and I didn't want to make it awkward and say "well, if the baby doesn't make it to November for some reason, we don't want to go to the classes and we want our $300 back!" but said instead I said "oh no, I don't plan on cancelling at all, but just in case there is a family emergency or something is it possible to change the dates or cancel altogether".  She said sure, but there is a $20 processing fee.  Hopefully all will be well in November with the baby and the family, but you can never know for sure, that is the unfortunate truth.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I ordered a Sonoline B pocket fetal doppler online and it finally arrived late last week.  After reading the instructions booklet, including 4 pages of warnings, which had me a bit freaked out (DH calls it the "Death-Ray Doppler"), we got around to trying it a few days later.  At first I couldn't hear anything so I was worried (this was before my scan), but then we picked up the heartbeat which was about 150 bpm.  We don't plan on using it much, but I was happy to have it in case I start getting nervous again, and it will be a long time until another scan.  Of course we did not show my mother this doppler, that would further convince her of how nuts we are! 

I am starting to feel small flutters now, for the first time.  They are very light, though, and not too frequent.  I'm still not fully showing but do have a bump that could be interpreted as a beer gut or small baby bump.  I'm still wearing my regular clothes, though I have to choose the clothes carefully because not all of them fit.  I sorted them and put away the stuff that I clearly won't be wearing for a long time.  I did buy a few maternity clothes but don't really need to wear them yet.  They are just sitting in the cupboard, maybe by September I will need them when I start back at work and will be 23 weeks or so. 

I'm thinking of making a baby quilt for our friends who are expecting a baby in October.  But maybe I will be too lazy, I'm not sure.  I have the fabric, but I haven't pulled out the sewing machine in a year or two and it will make quite a big mess.  But maybe it would be fun to do a sewing blitz and pop out a few quilts for gifts to give people, and make one for our baby as well, while I'm at it.  Baby quilts are easier since they are SMALL.  I have made some regular sized quilts and they can take me months to finish.  The lack of a sewing room is also a problem, so when I make a quilt it destroys our dining room until it is done. 

Ok, that's all for now!

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

first OB visit - 14 wks

This actually happened a while ago but was not very eventful so I didn't bother writing about it.  (I am now currently at 17weeks 6 days)  I went in on July 4 and met my new OB.  This is the doctor I was supposed to go to last time but the pregnancy fell apart a few short weeks before the appointment, and I was sent to the genetic counsellor and high risk team instead.  So it was one small victory just to make it there, as a regular patient, having graduated from the RE. 

The OB was nice, she took down my medical history and listened to the heartbeat on the doppler in her office.  That was pretty much it.  There was no ultrasound, and she said to book the next appointment for the week of August 10.  After having weekly check ins at the RE with ultrasounds each time, Aug 10 seemed quite far off.  But I didn't think too much of it.  Only now, as time has stretched on endlessly from that last appointment do I think Holy f**, is the baby even still alive in there and how would I even know otherwise??  I am totally paranoid that this next u/s will be shocking and devastating...  Why?  Because I am not really showing much (I just look fat) and I feel no movement (too early for a first time mom), I don't really have other symptoms since my nausea is I guess "better".  My back hurts a bit, I take this as a great sign that everything is OK, but then I wonder if I get bad news it will just end up being that I had a sore back for no particular reason. 

Also, no news from the bloodwork that I did a few weeks ago.  The part 2 of the sequential screening, which was supposed to take one week for the results.  What does no news mean???  Is that good, they don't think they need to bother calling me to let me know?  Or does it mean that they did not finish testing it?  Or the blood sample got lost and was not tested (this happened once before for my AMH bloodwork last year, I waited weeks and weeks and then it ended up when my doctor called the lab that they had no record of anything, even though they had taken 11 vials of blood that day and I had paid $80 out of pocket for the test since it was not covered by insurance).  So I am a bit anxious about the lack of results, however it SHOULD be fine because of the PGS testing of the chromosomes that I did.  But I would still like to know the results.  Hopefully I will get them at my next appointment, which is now a week away on August 7th. 

At the end of the last appointment the doctor left and the secretary said, as an afterthought, "oh, you need to take this urine test.  If it doesn't change colour then everything is fine, but if it changes colour bring it back to show me" and she gave me a pee stick to take to the washroom.  Well of course that thing changed colour.  I asked the secretary, what does that mean?  And she said "oh, it's just protein in your urine.  I will make a note of it and the doctor can review it next time".  In a month??  Isn't that a bit late if something is wrong.  After checking with Dr. Google later, I was a bit reassured that it is probably not a major problem.  Maybe I have a mild bladder infection.  Should that not be checked into and treated???  Or the other thing it could indicate is pre-eclampsia or high blood pressure, and I am not far along enough to have that and I know my blood pressure is low.  But still, that whole urine test thing was just a bit disturbing because it reveals their laid-back attitude and I am, let's say, not-so-relaxed after having lost my first and only pregnancy.  I don't have that "oh, everything is going to be fine" outlook because that is NOT what I experienced last time.  And the secretary was not even going to tell me anything about the test, am I supposed to be ok with "oh, you have tested positive for something.  We will tell you about it next month.  Bye bye, enjoy your day.  Please move aside, there are other patients waiting."  I don't really like that secretary much.  She doesn't really know my full history of infertility and loss, but still, who would be ok with that??

So now I'm just waiting for my next appointment, which will include an ultrasound.  I am writing down my questions as I think of them so I will remember to ask the doctor.  I have quite a list now, including:  -  Where is my part 2 bloodwork/ what were the results?  -  What do the results mean?  Do I need an amnio?   - Did my thyroid bloodwork come in/ what were the results?  -  Do I need to keep taking the thyroid meds/ change the dose?   -  WTH was the protein in my urine all about?  What does it mean?  Is it getting better or worse?   - What were the ultrasound results?  Is the baby alive  ( < < The most important question!!!)  / normal/ will it be ok??????    - Could they see everything on the ultrasound?  Do I need another ultrasound in a few weeks to check again?   -  Are there any signs of NTD or any other developmental or chromosomal problems?  -  What is the location of the placenta?   - Does the cervix seem ok? / length of cervix? 

I think that is it.  I don't know what else I should be worried about but I get the feeling if I don't ask they won't tell me much, so I am trying to think of everything that I would need to know to feel reassured - in an informed way, not an ignorant "I don't know anything, so everything must be fine" kind of way.  Hopefully I don't annoy the doctor too much with these questions.  The next appointment is August 7th, which is next Tuesday right after our long weekend here.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

NT Scan

I had another regular ultrasound on June 5th with not much new except the baby was progressing fine.  That is always a relief.  The first thing I always look for is the heart still beating.  It kind of freaks me out that in the time in between the ultrasounds there is very little to indicate that anything is going on, aside from feeling a bit sick, but that could be my nerves anyway.

Today was the NT scan and after sitting on pins and needles and lots of waiting (that clinic is just torture, they are always so far behind schedule so you literally wait for hours) the results are NORMAL. I know we were expecting this since we did PGS, but the irrational side of me just kept imagining a problem anyway, for whatever reason. The NT measurement was 1.4mm (last time it was 4.7mm) and the heartbeat was 158. We were glad to see the baby appeared to be normal on the ultrasound with a beating heart, 4 little limbs, a normal looking head, etc. So now we just have to wait for the 20 week scan to make sure the organs are really ok, but we feel so much better already to get past this terrible scan that crushed our hopes last time. So that's my update, I am just going to enjoy the rest of my day off, so glad to just go out shopping and get my hair done instead of last time when I spent the rest of the day crying. It was the best possible outcome for today so we can't ask for more than that. Also, we had the part one of the "long" sequential bloodwork done, to combine with the NT measurement. I need to go back in 3 weeks and have another blood test and then they give the results a week later. So it will be a month before getting the blood results, but we are OK with that since the NT was good and we did the PGS. We still don't know the gender of the baby, though it is in our file from the PGS... The doctor said we can call any time and she will tell us so we are leaving it a secret for now.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Third Ultrasound

Today was another ultrasound and the baby is measuring 8 weeks 4 days.  That's still one day behind, but at least that has been consistent each week so far.  The heart is beating strong, the u/s technician assured me.  I think it's at 162, that's what I think I saw on my chart.  Today the doctor said "oh, your sub-chorionic hemmorhage is getting smaller, so that's good".  I was like WTH?  She never mentioned it last time!  But I guess it's good that I wasn't worried about it and it is shrinking now.  I had one last time also and it wasn't a problem in the end, it went away on its own.  My thyroid medication has been increased since my TSH is 3.8 and she wants it under 2.5.  I'm still on the baby aspirin, the Estrace (2mg), and the progesterone (200mg 3x a day).  I think the progesterone is making me so tired, but maybe I would be anyway. 
I can't wait for the first trimester to be over, I feel tired, worried, iritable, hungry and nauseated at the same time.  And I'm very afraid of the NT scan, which she has booked in 3 weeks.  I can't believe I have to go through that again.  I feel like I'm sailing on the Titanic right now, not sure if I should be enjoying the awesome facilities and settling in, or scanning the horizon desperately for signs of icebergs, or worrying about the ones that are out of sight currently but could just as easily rip apart this "sure thing" cruise as it did last time round.  Yes, I am paranoid. 
I asked the doctor about getting an amnio / CVS because I already had this embryo tested by PGS before transferring it.  Will it make sense if I still end up high risk to go ahead with those tests?  She said that they test the same thing that the PGS testing did, but there is a very small chance that they made a mistake in the testing, so if my NT scan and bloodwork come back abnormal we will decide from there.  The amnio also tests for neural tube defects, which the PGS does not cover.  So that is why I am STILL afraid of the NT scan, although in theory it should be ok.  I'm not sure what other non-chromosomal issues could cause an enlarged NT.  I will have to check with Dr. Google, though that can sometimes be scary. 
I'm going back next Tuesday for one more scan at 9w5d, then nothing until the NT scan on June 21st. 

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Second Ultrasound

Today was my ultrasound and it went fine, which was a relief. The heart is still beating and it is growing. The heartbeat was 160 this time, and I am now 7 weeks 5 days along.  We got the news that our remaining embryo was abnormal. So this is it. It really makes me not take this pregnancy for granted, and also makes me nervous that if anything goes wrong at an appointment our dream could be totally dead. I also feel so mad, why are so many of my embryos abnormal, and why the hell can't I just have a baby without obsessing about it for 7 years and spending $60,000 that we could have used on having a normal sized house on these "treatments"? Everywhere I look are healthy babies. I went out with my friend last week and she mentioned that she is thinking of having a third baby. Of course she will be pregnant as soon as she goes off birth control, like the last 2 times. I did not even tell her that I am pregnant, though I had planned to. Today I asked my dr exactly what was wrong with the abnormal embryos, and she told me the detailed results: embryo 1- monosomy 11, embryo 2 - monosomy 9, embryo 3- trisomy 8, monosomy 19, AND monosomy 21, embryo 4 - normal (FREAKIN MIRACLE!!!) embryo 5 - "multiple aneuploid" (too many problems to bother documenting?????), embryo 6 - trisomy 15 AND trisomy 20, embryo 7 - 10 - unsuitable to test (have no idea why).
Perhaps I should remain focussed on my miracle, but I find these results SO DEPRESSING! Basically I have 0 chance of having a sibling, if this one survives, without spending thousands and thousands MORE dollars...
And imagine how awful I am going to feel if ANYTHING goes wrong with this one that I have now. I am so nervous, and I feel like I can't relate to anyone right now.
My friend who had her baby in January called to wish me a happy birthday and to "talk". I have not called her back. I am still kind of pissed that last time she called she had me telling my whole tx story while on speaker phone (I don't know why she calls people if she doesn't feel it's worth it to "just" talk to you, she needs to be doing God knows what at the same time-- folding laundry, eating dinner, walking on her treadmill - I am serious, she does this all the time) and then she mentions at the end of all that that she is 22 weeks pregnant. So I don't think of her as such a great friend anymore, which is sad. First of all, she should have taken me off the f***g speaker phone when she realized it was not going to be a normal kind of conversation, but I guess she just does not care. Also, I think it's bad luck to call her, because last time I called her I was gong through the worst hell of my pregnancy going off the rails, and when she had first left her message to call her, everything was fine. Also, I think she called me at a time when she knew I was at work, so I don't think she wanted to talk to me, but just see if I felt like calling her back or not. Well, I don't want to ask her about her baby, and I don't want her asking me about my "cycle", so I don't know what we will have to talk about.
Sorry I'm so pissy, I'm not sure what got me in such a bad mood. I suppose I'm just disappointed about the last embryo. And also that my birthday was different this year because I did not have a bar-b-q and invite people over like I usually do, and I resent the fact that I have to hide that I'm pregnant and feel miserable about turning 40 and not be "celebrating" with friends like a normal person. My other gay friend is planning a huge bash for his 40th on June 23rd.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

First Ultrasound

Today was the big day, I went in for my first ultrasound.  I was pretty nervous that something might be wrong, and that would be pretty evident within the first 5 seconds.  Also, we happened to be sitting in the same chairs where we were waiting to get our NT scan results last time, that were devastating.  I have no idea why we chose to sit down there.  However, the scan today went fine, there was a heart beating at 112 beats per minute, and there was a tiny blob of a baby and a yolksac within the gestational sac.  I took a little video of it to show DH.  We were both relieved that the heart was beating, I have been having a hard time believing all of this was real.  It still feels like a dream and I'm afraid I'll wake up.  Did I already say that?  Well, for today I feel reassured that all is well.  We will check again next week to see what is going on.  Our RE asked if we want a referral to the same OB as last time, the lady we never got to meet since our pregnancy ended one week before our first meeting!  So we are trying again with her, hopefully this time we will get to see her. 

I found out I'm 6 weeks and 5 days today, and measuring just one day behind, which the doctor says is ok.  So my due date should be January 3rd, I think.

Also, my cold seems to have cleared up, thank goodness.  I'm able to sleep almost through the whole night without coughing.  Last night I just coughed a little bit, but I didn't have to sit up to be able to breathe, like I did before, or move to the couch downstairs so DH could sleep. 

And a small update on my last remaining embryo, which is frozen.  The biopsy has apparently JUST been sent to be tested, and the results should be in "soon".  I hope that it is healthy, but the odds are stacked against it.  From the 5 embryos sent last time, only one was healthy (and is still going strong!! yeah!) so I hope the last remaining one will be ok too. 

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Beta #3 and Beta #4

Since my last post I started feeling a lot worse about all this, but now I am feeling better.  I somehow developed a cold starting with a sore throat at about 2 days past transfer, and that has progressed into a nightmarish flu with major asthma attacks leaving me coughing all night long.  It has been scary because I have been fearful that I would develop a fever and this would harm the baby, and also not being able to breathe is quite disturbing.  When I laid down it became impossible to breathe because of the tons of clear mucus (sorry TMI) and so I had to sit up, coughing all night.  My throat is raw, I feel terrible... I could go on.  Anyway, I went to my GP today and got some proper asthma medication, and she told me I could use DM cough syrup safely during pregnancy.  My greatest fear is taking some product or chemical and without realizing it causing some horrendous birth defect that won't be detected until 18 or 20 weeks.  This is part of why my excitement has completely flattened out and I only feel nervous and/ or ambivalent about things.  However, I think that is wearing off and I'm starting to feel more hopeful that maybe this WILL be ok. 

OK, enough about that, on to the numbers.  My beta #3, which was at 16 days past 6 day transfer, was 2,959.  That was almost doubling from the previous number, according to my calculations (which I'm not sure are accurate) it is 99% of doubling, considering it was 3 days after my 995 beta #2.

Beta # 4, which was today, at 20 days past 6 day transfer (4 days after the last beta) was 11,120.  So once again, that is not quite doubling, but about 94%.  So I can live with that.  I think they say that over 70% is fine, though obviously 100% doubling or more would be ideal.

Aside from my terrible cold / asthma / flu, I have not noticed many symptoms.  There have been a few twinges in my uterus and some very mild cramps, nothing concerning.  A little bit of soreness in the breasts, and also a bit of loss of appetite - meaning that foods don't appeal to me, but I do feel hungry.  And not too much nausea, it's hard to tell because I'm coughing so much that I feel sick from that.  I REALLY wish I could shake this cold, but I guess with the pregnancy my body is not reacting normally and this virus is lingering way longer than I am used to tolerating.  I am SICK of it!  Not to mention how much worry it has caused, and the fact that I am even suspicious of the meds that the doctor has approved as "safe" to deal with the asthma and coughing...  I wonder if it is certain that it will not do harm.  For example, the asthma meds make me shaky and my heart beats faster, with palpitations after taking it.  How can this NOT be affecting the baby???   And I imagine my baby as a tiny, vulnerable tadpole with an open neural tube, the size of a grain of rice, being bombarded by these meds and this virus.  Is it going to be ok??

My first ultrasound is next week, on May 15th. 

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Beta #2

I had my second beta today.  It was 995.  That's not quite double.  I don't know why, but I'm feeling kind of discouraged and not very excited any more.  At first I was worried that my beta was too high, now it's too low...  I'm afraid something is wrong.  I wish I could just enjoy this but I feel too scared.  My next beta is in 3 - 4 days.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Beta #1

Beta results today were 519!  The nurse was very happy about it.  She said "you've worked very hard for this!"  I have to stay on my medications (Progesterone, Estrace, Synthroid, Cabergoline) and go back in two days for a repeat test. 

I am so EXCITED!!!!!  I know I should be more cautious about this, but this is the best news I could have dreamed for.  But I know I need to settle down and not get too worked up.  For example, should I not be worried that the number is too high?  My angel had a first beta of 488 and that was the first sneaking suspicion that there was anything wrong, since high beta COULD indicate Downs.  And in the case of my angel, it did.  However, since I did the PGS testing, I'm not too worried about Downs this time (though I suppose there could be some fluke error in the testing results.  What if they put in the wrong embryo?  When they did the transfer they were saying "put in number 4, right?  Was that the one?..."  So I wondered, did they double check that?)

The support group for donor conception yesterday was very interesting.  I'm glad that I went.  There were a lot of different people there with different backgrounds, but I guess in common was that we all had a major struggle of some sort, so we could all relate to that.  Donor conception is such a new and not very common thing (or at least not very openly talked about), there were many questions and issues raised about it and it was reassuring to know that many people are thinking of the same questions / concerns, and although there aren't often "answers" it was interesting to see how some people had resolved these questions in their minds.  Like about disclosure to the child and to others, anonymity and meeting the donor at age 18, how other family members feel about it, etc.

I talked to one girl at the end who somehow I ended up telling that I terminated (rather than "lost" or "miscarried") and she said she had also terminated her donor egg pregnancy in November and was looking for support.  She said online she had only found religious based stuff, so I told her about the TFMR board and she was happy about that.  I can't imagine how alone she must feel, months after her tx and no support!  And she said she was so shocked because the egg was from a young woman, so they didn't expect any chromosomal problems, but after 22 or so weeks they ended up tx.  That kind of blew me away...  Also, she then signed up to do a new round of donor egg and apparently it has been in the news that the agency CFC (Canadian Fertility Centre?) had a "raid" in February and was closed down.  Some other couple there also said that their cycle was in jeopardy because of that raid, however they were able to move everything to another agency, "Little Miracles", which is apparently still functioning.  I had not heard of any of this before.  So this poor girl, after terminating her donor egg pregnancy, had her second donor egg round messed up from the raid and closure of her agency... she thought that maybe God was telling her not to have a baby or that she was going to give birth to a mass murderer and the universe was trying to stop that from happening!

Another woman had two failed donor egg IVFs and was very upset about it and discouraged.  Another woman, who was single, said her family told her they would disown her if she used donor sperm and had a baby that way, out of wedlock, and they would rather not have any grandchildren at all than that because it would be shameful for the family.  These were definitely tough issues to face.  She said she thinks she's going to do it anyway.

There were single moms there using sperm donors who brought their babies, they were very cute, and couples using sperm donor because the man had no sperm, also women/couples who were planning to use donor egg and/or sperm, in the process of doing it, or had done it. 
Anyway, it was an interesting experience.

Really looking forward to my second beta results.  Mostly I'd like to fast forward to 22 weeks and then I can relax more about the pregnancy.  It will be a nerve-wracking ride in the mean time.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Positive HPT

I can't even believe I'm typing this, but I believe I have a BFP!!!  Yesterday I tested and the line was very faint, but today it looks dark enough to be certain that no, this is not my imagination.  I have not had my beta yet, that is on Sunday.  So I'm hoping this little bean keeps growing properly and I get some good numbers.  I'm afraid to feel too happy, but how can I help it, this is what I have been praying for and waiting and waiting so long for...   DH is not very excited.  He says he doesn't want to get his hopes up too early.  But I guess the absence of being depressed and in total despair from a certain negative is exciting enough.  Right now I feel mainly relief, like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  However, I still plan to go to the regional Donor Conception Support Network meeting tomorrow afternoon, so what can be said of that?  I am keeping my options open, and even if hopefully everything goes fine with this pregnancy, let's face it, I will be 41 before I can try again and with the slim prospects I just went through (10 embryos reduced down to one after testing and/or waiting until day 6) I think it is quite likely that donor eggs are still in my future if we are planning on having more than one.  And if this one doesn't work out, it is a bit of a toss up if I will stick out another round of IVF with PGS, as I had originally thought, or just go to donor eggs.  That is what I was thinking about last weekend, I was really thinking that if for a second time I had genetically "normal" embies that did not stick, I am just not confident it is worth doing it a third time given the price we are paying.  So that made me very sad.  It basically came down to, if I don't see a positive HPT in the next few days, I might have to decide whether I want a genetic child so badly that I am willing to risk running out of money/ time and not have any child, or if I just want to be a mom so badly that I am willing to give up my genetic contribution and have a donor egg.  I don't think I have come to an answer to that question yet.  I just hate having to think of it that way, but this is the reality that I am coming up to.  I have gone over this is my mind a lot and changed my decision again and again.  I have really just not decided, I don't know what would bring me to that certainty.  That's part of the reason I'm still going to the donor meeting, although my prospects for this cycle have suddenly brightened!  I can't help but to think, what if it falls through, I will want to know what to do right away and have my plan in place.  And anyway, I might be doing donor egg in the next few years so I'd like to get more information at the meeting.  It has been quite a week.  It's hard to stay focused at work, and I've hardly been able to sleep at night.  Seeing the two lines today was the most uplifted I've felt in a LOOOOONG time!!!!!!!!!!  Now of course I am terrified that the line will go away, or the beta will not be good or won't double on time, etc.  But at least a positive HPT is a great starting point and one that I have had so much trouble getting to, that I feel like I've already won the race, though I know this is far from true.  Trying to keep an even head about this.  DH is doing a better job than me, I can tell you that.

Thursday, 19 April 2012


ONE normal embryo...  those are the results from my PGS testing.  We put it in.  But let me backtrack a bit...

Yesterday was such an exhausting day, mostly emotionally exhausting.  We went in at 12 noon and they didn't get the results until 3pm (it was supposed to be between 12 and 1).  So I was sitting there with a full bladder the whole time wondering what the hell was going on.  When there was still no call by 2:30, we were starving and my bladder was killing me, so we went for lunch across the street and the clinic said they'd call if they heard anything.  I went to the washroom, so annoyed for having to hold it that long, then sure enough they call and when we got back they say "oh, is your bladder full?"  At that point I had figured there was something wrong and maybe the lab in Detroit didn't realize they had to do the results for today or something, so I had lost hope that things were going to go as planned.  However, we were so happy to hear that there was going to be a transfer and they didn't just say, we got the results, they are all abnormal, you can go home now.  So anyway, we had to wait for my stupid bladder to fill up again, and that took about an hour!  I think the rice that I ate at lunch was absorbing all the water that I drank, because they kept checking my bladder on the ultrasound, and it was always empty, even though I had drunk about 3 litres of water and waited half an hour.  I felt sick and I swear I was going to throw up if I had one more sip of water, but the nurse kept saying "drink more!  drink more!" 

We found out there was one normal blast from the 5 day-5 blasts tested, so we put that one in.  It is hard not to be negative about that result, but I suppose it could have been worse.  As angry as I am that I only got one (maybe 2, they sent one more in for biopsy on Day 6) normal embryo, I could have had 0.  And 1 is pretty close to 0, so I was very close to that devastating outcome. 

I am trying to be positive, but all I think about is WHY???  And HOW could this happen, when I had an AFC of 38, 21 mature follicles over 18mm, 12 eggs retrrieved, 10 fertilized, 10 made it to day 5, 5 biopsied on day 5 and 1 biopsied on day 6.... and end up with just ONE????????????????????
And what happened to the 4 other day-6 embryos that they were observing but weren't good enough to be biopsied?  They just ran out of steam, right at the critical moment? 

Dear God, I hope this one survives, because obviously there is NO backup plan.  I don't even want to think about it. 

So far all I have felt is 1) nothing  2) negative thoughts.  So I have no idea how this embryo is going to survive if there is really a mind/body connection, I am really not helping this little guy out at all.  So since all my thoughts are negative and angry, I have to just not think about it at all, I guess.  I have no idea how to be positive, I am just too scared. 

On the bright side, my dr did say that this blast is excellent top quality.  And I don't think she would bullshit about that because last time she told me straight out that the 2 that we put in were not good quality, but they were normal.  So I hope that because it is better quality, it will survive, otherwise, I can't even think about how I will feel about all of this.  I just can't picture going through all this again, it has not been a smooth ride and the last two days I swear I have started having a small twitch on my face from the constant stress of what has been happening with this cycle. 

DH says I should visualize a velcro ball sticking to a glove, or imagine taking a dog for a walk and having burrs stick to his fur.  Those are definitely more useful thoughts than the ones I have been having of doom and gloom!

I'm pretty sure I will not hear about the last biopsied embryo unless I call them and bug them about it.  How can they not figure that I would want to know that right away?  Are there people out there who have embryos biopsied and don't really care about the result?  The chances are slim that it will be normal.  I don't understand how so many of them can be abnormal or poor growers, or both!  WTH!!  I guess that is why I did PGS, I suspected that this was the case, otherwise why the hell would I not be pregnant already after all these years?  I bet my egg quality was crappy even when I was 32. 

Well, that's the long version of my update.  After spending 5 hours in the clinic yesterday (the transfer was at 4:15 and we left right before 5, they actually had to kick us out because they were closing the clinic. )  we were completely wiped out from waiting on eggshells for that long.  I went to bed early and slept for 12 hours after that.  (I didn't go to work this morming, but I will go in this afternoon for that stupid training thing with Chantal).  My nerves are shot, I feel excited, depressed, nervous, angry, hopeless, worried... all at the same time. 

Friday, 13 April 2012

Fertilization report

I got a message today that 10 out of my 12 eggs have fertilized.  That's pretty good.  However, I can't help but to think about last cycle, which ended up being a complete bust, and started out with 9 out of 11 eggs fertilizing.  That's almost the same as this time!  So I am worried.  Very worried.  We'll see what happens over the next 5 days.  I'm praying that my embies keep growing and stay strong right to day 6, which is what we will need if we are doing a transfer this cycle with PGS testing on Day 5.  Please embies, be strong!!!  I will be so disappointed if after all these supplements and vitamins, it still ends up the same as last time, or worse. 

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Retrieval Today

I had my retrieval early this morning.  Everything went well and they got 12 eggs, which we are happy about.  They gave me enough drugs this time and so the downside is that I have hardly any memory of the procedure.  It is a strange feeling to be awake but afterwards I don't remember most of what happened.  Fortunately hubby was there to report to me what went on while I was drugged out.  But it was better than the first IVF when I could feel a lot more of the stabbing and I was more awake.  I felt pretty good after coming home, but very tired.  At lunch time I thought I felt fine and I thought "wow, maybe I could have gone back to work" but then I got so extremely tired, I just passed out for several hours on the couch.  Now I wait for the fertilization report tomorrow.  We are doing ICSI so hopefully we get most of them fertilizing.  I got a call on my cell phone from the clinic today and it was a bit surprising, since I know they are supposed to call tomorrow.  They called to say they made a mistake in billing and they will give me a $400 credit on my account.  I didn't know what she was talking about, but since they were giving money back to me, I said "OK!".  But really I think it's a mistake.  At this point I have paid over $50,000 to that clinic, so $400 back, in error or not, is not even worth getting excited about.  In truth, I was just totally relieved that she wasn't calling to tell me that something had happened to the embryos and they were all dead or missing, or something. 

I wasn't sure if I would need to take tomorrow off or not, since after my first IVF I had so much bloating and pain.  But I really feel fine and I will go back in tomorrow.  Of course I have already gone to the trouble of leaving a full set of supply teacher notes and prepared work, which will now not be needed since I'm going to go in myself.  I have already missed so many days of work this year, mostly half days when I need to go to the clinic in the mornings, my students are quite curious about what is wrong with me! 

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Trigger shot!

Today I took my trigger shot at 8:30 pm.  So the retrieval will be at 7:30 am on Thursday!  Today everything was looking really great.  Lefty had 11 follicles over 18mm and righty had 10 follicles.  The doctor said my lining was looking really good.  I don't feel bloated or anything.  So far the cycle has been the best one yet.  I think this protocol (Estrogen priming/ antagonist) is better for me than the long lupron protocol.  However, the real test is to see what happens next and how many I end up with on Day 5, and after PGS.  It's the quality of the eggs that really counts, and that remains to be seen.  It's making me nervous.  But I"m also excited.  DH and I both started our doxycycline today.  Tomorrow I have acupuncture after school, then before I know it we will be doing the retrieval!

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Day 6 of stims

Today I went to the clinic for a check.  They measured many follicles, but the dr was mainly interested in the 14 follicles that were larger than 9mm.  Hopefully I will get 14 at retrieval, that would be a great number!  She was happy with the lining, she said everything was looking juicy and that the estrogen priming had done its job.  So she changed my dose slightly by raising the Menopur to 150 (up from 75) and she kept the Bravelle the same at 225.  I took a shot of Cetrotide that should last for 3 days.  That is to prevent ovulating prematurely.  They also gave me a one day dose because although I'm coming in on Sunday, I need to take it at exactly 9:15 am (the same time as the other shot) or there will be problems.  So they gave me the meds because on Sundays they run later and I might not get to see a nurse until after that time.  It seems that I will be doing my trigger on about day 11, which is next Tuesday night, and then the retrieval next Thursday, on Day 13.  But it might be off by a day.  It depends on how the follicles develop.  I hope the CoQ10 and DHEA are making a difference this time and helping to improve the quality. 

At work I was a bit peeved because the secretary asked me in the office the other day whether I was pregnant or not, because our VP is convinced that my procedure worked and that I was now pregnant.  I told her, as I had already said when she asked me before, no I am not.  Oh, she said, I just didn't know if you were lying before, because we have a bet and now that I know, I can get myself some money!  WTH?  I didn't know whether to laugh or be insulted, or depressed that the VP thinks I look fat enough to be pregnant.  Oh, and apparently she bases this on when she asked me how I was doing and I said "good" and pointed to my belly.  First of all, I did not point to my belly, I remember her asking how I was and she said I looked great, and I didn't know why she was acting weird.  I think it's so rude to be betting on someone's IVF outcome.  Maybe that was just a joke and they aren't really betting, but still.  I feel a bit betrayed by the secretary because she also has been through IVF and IF and should know better how emotional it all is, especially with a failed cycle and having to report to everyone about the negative outcome.  I feel like I really don't want to tell them about any more cycles, though it's hard to prevent them from finding out since they see my absences and put two and two together.  Though sometimes they are wrong in their assumptions, as in this case. 

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Antagonist protocol started

AF arrived on Thursday late in the evening.  I decided to call Friday Day 1 and go in to the clinic on Day 2.  We got the "other" doctor, but didn't care since we like him better anyway.  It was a good opportunity to ask him if he agreed that the plan for this cycle looked ok.  So we started stims on Saturday since everything looked good.  For my AFC I had 16 follicles on one side and 22 on the other, so that's very good for me.  My estrogen was 52, not sure what that means but the nurse said I was suppressed so we could start the cycle.  My progesterone was 6, which is better than last time when it was 36 to start, and we had to cancel the cycle.  The doctor wants it under 10.  1 or 2 is normal for me, but with the DHEA she says it causes the Progesterone to go up.  But 6 was fine, she said.  I started taking 225iu of Bravelle and 75 iu of Menopur.  Then 2 days later I went in for a check.  That was this morning, Tuesday.  The technician measured 20 follicles between 6 and 9mm.  I'm continuing with the stims.  I go in on Thursday and she said we may do the Cetrotide then, to prevent prematurely ovulating.  I think the stims last for 12 days, then it's the trigger and the retrieval.  I'm excited that things are happening!
I'm taking a lot of supplements and extra vitamins right now.  It's getting to be a lot to manage, but I think it's doing me some good.  Hopefully it helps with improving the egg quality. 

Here's what I'm taking:  (aside from the Bravelle and Menopur)

- DHEA 25mg x 3 per day  (75mg total)
- CoQ10 - 400mg a.m. / 200 mg p.m. (600mg total)
- Synthroid 0.037 mg (1 1/2 pills once a day) - to lower TSH
- Cabergoline 0.25 mg (2 x per week) - to lower prolactin
- Baby Aspirin - 1 pill per day
- Pre-Natal multivitamin
- Folic Acid - 1mg
- Vitamin D - 400 iu (a.m.)
- Vitamin C - 500 mg
- Vitamin E - 200 iu
- Selenium - 50 mcg
- Calcium & Vitamin D - 650mg, 400 iu (p.m.)
- Fish oil - 1.26 g - with Omega 3 - 750 mg, EPA - 375mg, DHA - 250mg x 2 per day
    (total:  Fish oil - 2.52g - with Omega 3 - 1500 mg , EPA - 750 mg, DHA - 500 mg)
- Royal Jelly - 1/4 tsp   (mixed into yogourt)
- Bee Pollen - 1 tsp   (mixed into yogourt)
- Wheat Grass powder - 1 tsp x 2 times a day, mixed with water/ berry juice

Here's what DH is taking:

- FertilAid for Men (multivitamin) x 3 times a day
- Motility Boost x 2 times a day
- CoQ10 - 400 mg
- Fish Oil - 1000 mg - with 180 mg EPA, 120 mg DHA x 2 times per day
  (total:  Fish oil 2g - with EPA - 360 mg , DHA - 240 mg)
- Melatonin - 3 mg (at bedtime)
- L-Arginine - 1mg
- Vitamin C - 500 mg
- Vitamin E - 200 iu
- Royal Jelly - 1/4 tsp (mixed into yogourt)
- Bee Pollen - 1 tsp (mixed into yogourt)
- Maca root powder - 1 tsp per day  (mixed into yogourt)
- Wheat Grass powder- 1 tsp x 2 times a day, mixed with water/ berry juice

Hopefully this stuff will help. 

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Back on track

Finally!! got an indication of a surge on Monday.  I went in on Wednesday also, and they confirmed that ovulation had taken place.  It was pretty late, but at least it finally happened on cycle day 20.  So I'm starting the Estrogen patch next Monday, the Cetrotide shot on Tuesday, then 3 days later I will get my period and then I can start my stim cycle... fingers crossed!

Sunday, 18 March 2012

LH, where are you??

I still have not surged, and now it's day 18.  WTH??  My LH went up to 9 today from 5, so it could be the beginning of a surge.  I took an OPK at home later, and still nothing.  The weekend is over and now I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but guess what?  I get to go back to the clinic again for another check.  So I need to take the morning off, that's not a very good start back.  This is seriously making me look bad at work, and I know that my annoying colleague will question why I'm away on the first day back after a holiday.  He irritates me so much, now he has figured out that all my absences are to go to the fertility doctor, and he is always shocked at how OFTEN I go.  "At the doctor AGAIN??" he keeps asking me. 

And this cycle is just ridiculous, we are not even doing anything this cycle and there is no chance at all of getting pregnant, so why the hell am I missing my vacation, and missing work for this??
My doctor is going away on vacation starting on Tuesday, so she is hoping that I surge by tomorrow so she can give me the instructions for the rest of the cycle.  Either way, I will be getting the instructions so the other doctor can monitor me while she is away. 

DH was happy to hear that he still has a job.  He said that although his vacation is over, for the first time he's GLAD to be going back to work, because at the start of his vacation he thought he was going to be axed!  And he told me more about Henry and I don't feel so sorry for him anymore.  Aside from being an engineer, Henry likes to play poker and apparently he won $1 million in Las Vegas a few years ago.  Then the bosses at work, who like to play poker, insisted that he play poker with them, so he did and he cleaned them out completely.  And since then, Henry thinks the bosses didn't like him much, I wouldn't doubt it!  But anyway, he is doing more than ok, he owns a dry cleaning business and a strip mall on the side, and his house is already paid off.  I don't think he really needed that job, from the sounds of it.  DH on the other hand, definitely needs the job so at very least we can keep our fertility treatments going as long as it takes.  Holy crap, we've already gone well beyond what we thought would be needed, so who knows where this madness will end? 

Friday, 16 March 2012

Stuck in the City

Well, I have NOT ovulated yet, so maybe I spoke too soon about my body being normal.  Normally I would have already ovulated by now, it's Day 15.  We went in for the bloodwork today, and I asked her a few things that I think she had forgotten about, such as what meds I was supposed to start taking because I had borderline high prolactin, so she gave me a Rx for that.  It's only 1/2 a pill twice a week, so not much at all.  But she had totally forgotten about it, so that is not too good.  I guess it isn't that important?  I am getting paranoid, though, since obviously I have fallen through the cracks of this whole fertility thing.  And also I asked again about the sonogram, and just as I predicted she said ,oh we should have done that a week ago, now is not the best time and we can't do it after you ovulate.  But then she sprang up and said, let's do it right now!  This is our only chance!  (also, she mistakenly thought that we had already done one after the d&c, and I said no, it was just a regular ultrasound, not a sono, and she checked her notes, and that is when she sprang into action).  So we got that done on the spot and fortunately there was good news, she said there was NO scarring and everything looked "beautiful".  Thank God, I have been worrying about that since October!  I am a bit concerned that I am not ovulating.  I took another OPK tonight to check and still nothing.  I wonder if the DHEA is messing me up again!  I only started taking it again yesterday, when she told me to.  Yesterday my follicle was 18mm and today they first measured it at 18.5 but then when they did the sono they measured it again and the doctor was saying "hmmm... how did they get a 18 from that?" and she said that probably yesterday the measurement was too generous also.  WTH???  I am seeing a pattern--- Last time I took DHEA my follicle grew, shrunk, no ovulation, and period started suddenly (with no ovulation OR luteal phase!!!!).  And now... my follicle grew, shrunk, ovulation is delayed...  and then when I went home there was a SMALL amount of blood that came out (sorry TMI).  Can you see how this is freaking me OUT!!!!!!  However, I think the blood was from being stabbed with the catheter, and a full flow has not started like last time.  I am worried, though!

So anyway, my bloodwork was not ready...  we left the clinic and they said they would call to let us know.  Well, they didn't call until after 4pm.  How helpful is that?  Our getaway is totally pooched.  (We were only planning to go to Haliburton to visit my mother, but still!)  In the message they said that I'm not surging (I already knew that from the OPK) and to come back on SUNDAY morning.  So definitely we can't get away AT ALL.  I called and let my mom know that we won't be able to visit this week.  It's kind of embarrassing, but I just told her about how we're going to the clinic and the doctor wants to check that my hormones are at a certain level, and they aren't there yet so I need to keep going back until they are.  She was fine with that, though she had been looking forward to some company.  We will have to make it up to her on a different weekend.  I was looking forward to getting out of the city, too.  Blah!

I'm going to think of some more things we can do on our "staycation".  Oh, GOOD news about my hubbie's work.  Today he found out that they have given him a new project.  So hopefully that means he will not be fired!!  (He's an engineer.)  Sadly, the project he is working on is Henry's old project (he is the one who got let go last week).  DH doesn't feel so great about that.  But we need his job to pay for the fertility treatments!!!  There is no end in sight, ugh! 

Oh, that reminds me of something funny when I went to the lab that is making my tooth veneer, in Oshawa (I had to go there in person after I got my temporary veneer so the guy who makes the real one could take pictures of my teeth and see the colour, etc to supposedly match it as close as possible).  The guy was quite a character and had fish mounted on the walls and signs "I'd rather be fishing" etc.  I looked over and he had this funny sign that said "Due to budget cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off".  After the totally stressful day/ week I had been having, that sign provided me with a much needed laugh!!!

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Waiting, weekend getaway cancelled...

Still waiting to ovulate here.  We went to the clinic this morning and at least I have a follicle that has been growing, it is 16mm now, up from 12.5mm the last time I was in.  It is good to know that SOMETHING is happening.  I just wish it would hurry up!  Today I literally had my bag packed to go with DH on a 4 day mini vacation after we left the clinic.  However, the doctor said to come in tomorrow, so our plans to go away are dashed.  And if tomorrow my LH isn't surging, then we will need to come in the next day as well, to check on it.  So much for our trip!  I may as well unpack my bag. 

After the surge, whenever it decides to appear, I will start the estrogen priming.  I will remind her that I also am supposed to take some meds to lower my prolactin, which came in borderline high the last time it was tested.  The doctor said that my progesterone has finally drifted back down to 2.5 (from 35 earlier in this crazy cycle).  She said that is probably as low as it will get because it was 2.7 four days ago and it's getting close to my normal level which is between 2.3 and 1.5.  So she said to go ahead and restart with taking DHEA.  I'm a bit worried about this since last time I started that coincided with when my cycle went wonky.  I just don't know.  But on the other hand, if it helps with my egg quality, that would be very helpful.  Not much is known about DHEA, so like much of this IF stuff, it's a bit of a crap shoot.  It could make things better, or it might make them worse, let's find out!

I was thinking more today about donor eggs.  I went to the gym and I was thinking "oh, I'd like to ask that girl to be my donor.  She looks a bit like me, and she's fit and healthy."  Imagine how crazy it would be to actually go up to someone and ask them. 

In the clinic this morning there was a annoying, weird family that was sitting in front of us in the waiting room.  DH and I almost ALWAYS sit in the same spot, the furthest corner of the room.  It is far away from the "play area" where people bring their kids.  There is nothing more depressing to me than sitting in front of a family watching 2 kids playing while mom is in to work on having her third.  I'm like, are you SERIOUS!!  Get a sitter, this is just rude to come and rub your good fortune in the face of the few sad losers here who truly are INFERTILE and DESPERATE, not just craving "one more" to add to an already complete family, as far as I'm concerned.  It just seems greedy to me.  I know many people there already have kids, but do you really need to bring them to the clinic?  And be loud and obnoxious??  Well, getting to my point...  The family looked like trailer trash, the mom was really out of shape and already looked 6 months pregnant, though presumeably she was in to try to have another.  The kid was in his pyjamas, and the dad looked all scruffy, like he just woke up.  There was also another woman who had thinning hair held in a barrett.  Maybe the sister of the woman in for treatment?  DH was joking later that maybe those were the donors.  OMG that would be so funny!!

The doctor also mentioned that DH had a great sperm count, at 22 million.  Only 32% motility, though, and 26% had "antisperm antibodies" (she said over 20% was borderline significant).  This would be a very big problem if the count was low, but with his high count I guess they can still work with that and find the "good" ones for IVF or IUI (scoff! we are well past doing IUI's).  He did another full sperm analysis this week and we will get the results of the DNA fragmentation, etc in a week or two.  Last time he was tested it was ok.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Still waiting...

Today has been a pretty good day.  I went for a facial this morning, and now I'm going to my acupuncture.  It's better than yesterday, at the dentist!!!

Tomorrow we will go to the clinic, and hopefully not be shocked with more crappy news.  Oh, look!  Your ovaries have fallen out!  That hardly ever happens!

I wonder if I should be getting a sonogram to check for scarring.  The doctor had some trouble doing the transfer last time and said "oh, maybe there is some scarring blocking the way" before she was able to push the catheter past whatever it was.  This is not reassuring.  She said if we did the sono then we wouldn't be able to do an IVF that cycle, but I'm not doing anything right now anyway.  Did she forget about that, or does she think it isn't important?  I will ask her tomorrow, but I bet she will tell me now it's too late and I should have had it done a week ago or something.  (when I was also doing nothing and could very well have done it)  Arghh!

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Feeling calmer

I have been feeling a bit better, especially since I just got back from the dentist, so that is OVER!  I did decide to go through with getting the veneer.  I don't know why, but I get so ANXIOUS about going to the dentist, probably because I have had a lot of terrible procedures done on me already.  I had gum surgery, twice, with skin grafts put in on four different areas.  And 2 root canals, and 1 root canal retreatment.  It has not been a picnic.  And looking up the procedure you are about to have done on the internet is really NOT the thing to do to ease your nerves!  I watched a terrible video about how a veneer is done, more specifically what they have to do to the original tooth to "prepare" it for the veneer, and I can tell you it was NOT reassuring!  But anyway, long story short, I decided to do it anyway, and I did (part 1, the second part is in 2 weeks when they put on the "real" veneer) I have the temporary veneer and DH said it looked pretty good, he thought it was the final tooth.  The real one should look better, but at this point I just want this to be over so as long as it looks ok I don't really care.  Phew!! 

Ok, now I can get back to my infertility-related anxiety!  I don't know what's happening with this cycle, but I HOPE that I'm going to ovulate soon, go on the estrogen patch, and then start my IVF in 2 or 3 weeks!!!!  (What I want and what ACTUALLY happens are usually vastly different)  I will see on Thursday what is going on when I go to the clinic. 
Wow, I can't believe how much better I feel, having this dentist appointment behind me.  I was truly making myself sick over thinking about it constantly, and now I feel like a WEIGHT has been lifted off me!

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Anxiety attack

I went to the clinic today and there is not much news.  I have a follicle that is 12.5 and she isn't sure if it's a new one or the old one.  So I'm going in on Thursday again.  My progesterone is down to 3.6 but she wants it down to 1 for the next cycle. 

On Friday my March Break began, which I thought would be great, however I started my holiday by having a huge anxiety attack on Friday.  DH came home and mentioned that his friend Henry at work got laid off that day.  So he was trying to downplay the fact that he may lose his job since "more cuts are coming".  This is NOT what we need right now, and poor Henry, he is jobless now.  Also, this sounds dumb but I am totally freaked out about my dental procedure that I have gone and booked for Tuesday.  The dentist was saying it's such a routine procedure, blah blah, but I looked it up on the internet and now I am very scared.  It's on my front tooth, because I had a root canal years ago and so the colour has always been slightly off.  DH says it is not noticeable and I should not bother with getting it changed.  The procedure is a veneer, and they need to file away the front of the tooth and put a porcelein model on it.  I just don't like the idea that they are filing away my original tooth, it seems so permanent, and I am having second thoughts.  But the dentist tells me it will look way better than it does now.  I just don't know.  And this is my FACE, so I don't really want to mess it up and look like an idiot for the rest of my life.  Anyway, I have a lot of questions for the dentist, and I am feeling sick thinking that I have made this appointment and now I might not go through with it, I feel like such a wimp.  And also, of course we had to go to the clinic today, so we couldn't go away for the weekend, and of course we got basically "no news" after waiting 2 hours there.  I feel like we are wasting so much time and we must be the least successful patients in the whole clinic.  We keep going back just to find out nothing, and to wait, and then do nothing some more, then come to get our negative beta, then  back for more of nothing.  Why do we even bother to go?  Maybe we have already failed and we need to accept that. 

I feel like such crap, I'm so stressed out and I'm not even able to enjoy some time off since we are still working around clinic visits, and this horrible dentist appt, and the ominous waiting to find out if DH is going to lose his job after coming back from holiday (he has this week off). 

We have tried to do a few things despite the fact that we have not been able to leave town because of the appointments.  We went to a movie last night at the theatre, "Monsieur Lahzar".  It was good, though in French with subtitles, which DH didn't like.  Since I'm a French teacher, it didn't bother me!  It was sad, too, but we were already bummed out so it didn't bring us down.  It was nice to discuss the movie afterwards with him.  One of the themes was grief, one we can relate to!  And today we both worked together on the renovation (well, mostly DH, but I joined in to help in the end) and then we went on a walk down by the water on the Boardwalk by Lake Ontario.  It was a nice day today.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty sad lately, and very worried.  It's not a good feeling.  I'm trying to stay hopeful, buy I'm very worried, and this job thing with DH and the tooth thing that I inflicted upon myself have just pushed me over the edge!  I feel like anxiety has gotten a hold of me, and I can no longer make any decisions, I look to the future with dread, I can't see a way out.  I wonder if I should be on antidepressants after the last few days that I've had.  I am serious! 

Wednesday, 7 March 2012


So much BS has been happening lately, surrounding my EDD with more bitterness and sadness than was really necessary.  Why did my mom have to go on about how maybe the tx was a mistake?  She was really not thinking.  I think she just didn't know what to say, but really?  And why bring it up now, so long after the baby is gone.  Has she been thinking this the whole time?  I thought she was supportive, I guess she has some reservations.  That is disappointing.  She is 81 though, so I need to keep in mind that she is starting to lose it and sometimes just says dumb stuff.  It has also been so frustrating with the clinic and this cycle.  I just feel so abnormal, it's an uncomfortable feeling.  Like being infertile isn't bad enough, I don't even fit in at the clinic since I don't even know what cycle day I'm on and the technicians don't know what to write on their paper as I try to explain this long story about my cycle that had 2 bleeds.  Obviously this doesn't happen often because they are looking at me like I'm a lunatic. 

Today I went in to the clinic again, and that was what happened.  I didn't know if this was day 6 or day 17 so I think now we have established that I'm on a weird day 6.  I have a shrinking egg sitting there, and my lining did not fully shed, it's at 8mm still.  So I need to come back in 3 days and see what is happening then.  Supposedly after I ovulate we will start the "estrogen priming", but I'm not confident that there will be an ovulation since now on day 6 there is no follicle except for the shrinking one that did nothing from last cycle.  It got to 16mm and now is at 12mm.  DH was annoyed again as we were leaving the clinic, I know he was not happy with this news as it doesn't seem like anything is happening or will happen any time soon.

We have not told much about our IVFs to our family or even our friends really either.  It is just so hard for people to understand, if they have never been in a position to need an IVF, so we have mostly kept it to ourselves.  I have told a few more people since the tx, but I don't give them regular updates.  If you recall the conversation I had with my colleague and she revealed how little she knew about it all as she thought you could grow a full grown baby in a test tube.  Ha!  I haven't talked to her again about what I'm going through.  She is clearly clueless and is probably happy to be so.  IVFs ARE very weird and I wish I didn't have to do any or find out so much about all of this, but since I can't conceive like a normal person, I don't really have a choice. 

So today after going to the fertility clinic I went to my counsellor (not the fertility counsellor, the other one that is through my work).  It is supposed to be "short term" counselling so each session I go to she is trying to wrap it up, but I am too messed up for her to just leave me so we always make "one more session".  She is ok but I'm not sure how helpful she has been other than just listening to me rambling on.  So I'm supposed to meet her one more time in April.  Every time I book a new session with her I hope that in between, something good will happen, like I'll have a successful cycle and find my way out of this mess.  But it never happens!  I always go and I'm just as miserable as before, and nothing has changed. 

I went to the dentist after school today.  I was afraid to go because the last time I went was the day before I got my dx, so it brought back lots of memories.  And also I didn't know if they were going to ask me about the pregnancy since I thought the hygenist wrote down that I was 12 weeks last time.  However, I had a different dentist today, that hygenist was thankfully not there, and no one asked me about anything other than my teeth.  I was relieved, but still sad, and after I left I felt like crying just because I remembered leaving there last time so full of optimism and feeling like now I was ready to start telling people about my pregnancy since I had made it to 12 weeks and it was "safer".  That was blown up the next day.  Seriously, I was thinking of not only cancelling the appointment but changing dentists (it IS too far away since it's close to where I used to live, not close at all to where I live now) because I just didn't want to face going there again!  But I went and it was OK.  I think I'm even going back next week to get some further work done on one tooth (but I may call and cancel if I chicken out!  It is not essential, it's just cosmetic so I could do it later)

I'm glad to be past the EDD, and the dentist! but now I'm still worried about MOTHER'S DAY (Dear God, how am I going to get through this one?) and MY 40th BIRTHDAY (the death knell of my ovaries will be sounding loud and clear on that day!) that will surely be terrible days.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Beyond the EDD

It has been a hard few days but I'm feeling better today.  The EDD went ok, I discussed with DH my plan to "do something" and told him I was thinking of getting balloons and letting them go in memory of Lily.  He got very sad and said that was a good idea, so we did it.  We wrote a short note to her and then went to buy the pink balloons, walked together to the park and released them into the wind, with the note attached.  It was a sad moment because so symbolic in many ways.  First of all the fact that only the two of us were doing this "ceremony" because we are the only ones who really remember her or are affected by this day.  It was sad to watch the balloons float away further and further, and then disappear into a cloud, and then wonder where they were, they were somewhere but too far away to see so that is a lot like our little Lily.  Where did she go?  Her energy just floated off somewhere.  It was painful, but good for us as a couple to get these feelings out and cry together as we watched the balloons.  That is about all that we did, after that we went to have lunch together in a restaurant on the other side of the city.  We usually go there for Easter because that is DH's tradition with his family, it is in the Ukrainian/ Polish part of town and he is part Polish.  But this time we went just the two of us, not with the inlaws, so it was nice.

I called my mother later that day and in the conversation mentioned that it was the EDD and she said oh, yes, well... are we were pregnant again yet?  Oh yeah, I was and forgot to mention it... duh, of course not, we're INFERTILE, remember?  and our IVF failed (I don't think she fully understands what an IVF is) I was getting a bit annoyed.  She then asked if they were SURE that our baby had Down Syndrome, doctors sometimes make mistakes.  And she reminded me that the doctors told her to abort me because she was old and I might have Down Syndrome.  I don't understand how she thought this was a supportive comment to make to me after I tell her it's my EDD.  It just made me mad, I told her well they based that assumption on just her AGE, so that is RIDICULOUS, and with my case they looked at the CHROMOSOMES and there were 3 sets of number 21, so that is a definite diagnosis, unlike in her situation.  Then she said something I didn't even understand but basically she thought there had to be 3 chromosomes because the male has XY and the female has XX so that makes 3, or something, and I was like, what are you talking about?  That is a different chromosome altogether and I'm talking about chromosome 21, then she said she didn't understand and I should just do what I thought was best.  So this was my great talk with my mother, I'm wondering how she could be a nurse and be talking to me like this, and WTF how is this line of discussion even helpful at all?  She is basically questioning if I made a mistake to terminate and maybe there was nothing wrong with my baby.  Thanks, that's what I need to hear today.  I didn't bother to tell her about the balloons, I didn't want to know what her comments about that might be.  I love my mother but she totally does not get the whole infertility thing, the treatments and the diagnoses.  I need to limit what I share with her based on her unhelpful and totally off base observations, such as what happened that day.

I forgot to mention the morning of the EDD was of course another trip to the fertility clinic.  And I was a bit depressed with the news because it did not give us a clear picture or plan of what we are doing or what is going on.  Big surprise!  We had gone in on Saturday to ask the doctor on call about the bleeding and he said something like, well your lining is still intact and I see a follicle, so the cycle is still going.  Come back in 2 days and talk to your real doctor.  Then I got the email reply from my inquiry to the doctor saying to come in the next day, so we did.  The U/S technician saw that my chart said to come back in 2 days and she didn't want to do an ultrasound on me that day.  So I had to argue with her that I had received the email to come in, and since I was there why would I NOT receive an ultrasound, I am trying to find out when I ovulate, and with the bleeding it is making this cycle even more confusing, so the ultrasound would give important information about this.  She said I should talk to the doctor first and then see if I "needed" an ultrasound.  I could just picture that, and I know it would tack on an extra hour to our waiting.  Anyway, long story short, she did the ultrasound but was pissed and totally didn't want to.  And she took forever too, since she was obviously new and didn't really know what she was doing.  It took her about 20 min to do the ultrasound!  She was recording every single tiny follicle, I felt like telling her- just measure the big one, b*tch, the other ones are a waste of time and who cares!  I'm not even doing an IVF this cycle!  I'm just trying to see when the big one ovulates or not.  So I was kind of upset about that, she wasn't very nice and had NO concern at all about my weird bleeding.  Also, when going to get my bloodwork there is one of the technicians who is now massively pregnant, and I was hoping not to get her to draw my blood that day, she just depresses me.  Luckily I did not.  So then I was waiting for the doctor, and a bit worried that she would yell at me for being there instead of waiting until the next day as it said on my chart, even though the nurse had sent an email to come in.  But she didn't.  However, she said it looks like my bloodwork is coming back looking like Day 2 so this could be considered a new cycle.  That means my last cycle was only 11 days long.  That's not a cycle!  That makes no sense!  Then she said maybe the DHEA messed things up, so she wants me to stop taking it right away.  I'm going in tomorrow to find out where things are at now, and if I'm Cycle Day 6 or Cycle Day 17?  She said, well since your progesterone has dropped, that's probably why you started bleeding, normally when you get a drop in progesterone it signals your body to have a period.  My progesterone is now 5.6 so it has finally come down, though still not as low as normal since she said my baseline from other cycles was more like 1.8 or something like that.  Then she said since I'm probably on Day 3, we could start the stims up.  DH and I were like, WHAT?  I don't think so!  We would like this to actually WORK, this sounds way too wacky and I'm sure will end in disaster if we started stims on that cycle.  Then she saw our hesitation and said, well yes, we should wait to get you at more optimal levels, and you do have a cyst still (my follicle is now considered a cyst).  I don't know if the egg that was growing will ever ovulate, or if a new one is going to start growing (since a "new cycle" has supposedly just started) and the old follicle has just pooped out after 11 days, or what.  Maybe I will have a new egg starting and the old one still sitting there, interfering with the new cycle.  Maybe no new egg will start because of the stagnant non-released egg.  So you see, I am very CONFUSED and we left the clinic feeling once again like we are in limbo and waiting until Wednesday to "see what will happen".  So that put me in a low mood for the EDD since there is no immediate hope of getting pregnant, just more waiting, which we have already done too much of, and I'm turning 40 in TWO MONTHS, so this waiting is just such BS, I can't stand it.  We are more resolved than ever to have a child, but I'm just sad that at this point it is looking less and less likely that it will be my genetic child.  So I can say that this Sat and Sunday I was flat out depressed worse than usual and it was not a good feeling. 

Monday was better after returning to work and just getting back into my normal life, and less time reflecting on this stuff.  And today I went out to dinner with my two aunts (one is really a second cousin but I consider her an aunt).  They are lonely old ladies and appreciated our company, and it was one of their birthday's on my actual EDD (March 4) so we went out for her birthday dinner tonight.  I didn't even bring up the EDD and the day was just about her, she was turning 75 and we went to a nice restaurant then back to her place to look at some of her paintings that she was telling us about, before going home.